Apparently, I am stressed.
And I didn't know this until I had to run from class the other day in order to burst into tears in the restroom as opposed to in class, in front of my comrades and sergeants.
I ended up talking with my Petty Officer about handling stress while class was going on and I wiped the tears from my red face.
I didn't even know I was under pressure. I didn't even know I was about to crack.
I have a high tolerance for pain, and apparently that pain is mental as well.
School, the Navy, PT, graduation in less than 7 weeks, and the big ass test I have to take BEFORE I graduate that will determine my future that I know I am not ready for, is all weighing down on me..
Times like now I wish I stayed an oblivious civilian.
But I thought I wanted this so bad.
Christ. What the hell was I thinking?
In less than a year, I have become fluent in Persian Farsi via being force fed the language, WHILE carrying out the duties of the Navy without the immediate and tangible support of my family and friends or an intimate relationship.
And besides that, I have been in the Navy for a little over a year. I left for boot camp August 17th of 2010. It is now September 2011.
I am tired. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Fed up..
And I haven't even entered my contracted four years yet because I am still in training.
I got over four years of this shit left, man.
What did I get myself into?
Why was a so certain I wanted this life?
The grass ain always greener, y'all.
Lord.
Pray for me, for I feel I am whoring myself out for a cause I am not certain about what the Navy has to offer just yet.
I tell myself that I will make my final decision about the Navy when I finish A School, but as of right now, this shit sucks.
I am unhappy. I am not myself. I am not a civilian. I am Seaman Taylor, property of the US Navy.
~Ash
