If Not Me.. Then Someone Else

I probably shouldn't post this. I shouldn't post about my deviant behaviors. But they do exist inside me. And this is an account of such thing.

I know a guy here. Who supposedly has a fiancee that he "loves", and an apparent healthy sex life as well.

And I fucked him.
A few times, actually.

He was 22 at the time, and had not had sex in over 6 months because his "baby" managed to get herself deported months before he left for boot camp and currently still cannot reenter the US. She is in Jamaica and he is supposed to marry her to get her back in the States and bring her out here to Cali while he trains.

If you say so, guy.

But I say all that to say this:
I don't feel the least bit of remorse for anything that he and I did. We are two consenting adults that used condoms and I my birth control.

I simply told him that I was horny and he asked if I needed help.
It took off from there.

So he can love his fiancee, or whatever the hell she is, all he fucking wants but that does not excuse the fact I was there to solve his lil "issue." And he solved mine.
Honestly, when I get horny, things get ugly. So I really wasn't giving out any fucks at the time he and I consummated our.. Whatever.

But if it was so easy with me, and this is the point of this post, then it could have easily been someone else. I believe it was pre-meditated.
It had to be!
I think we both knew what was up at the end of that night we were hanging out. Neither of us are stupid or naive.
I just did the inevitable. And if some fucking was going to be had, of course I wanted it to be had with ME.
Apparently the same went for him.
But I did not hold a gun to his head or get him drunk or drug him. And since he was not married, in the eyes of God and the Navy, we did not commit adultery.
We did, however, fornicate. Something that is the same sin he commits with his girlfriend.. Who is not his wife, after all.

I'm a single woman.
I had needs.
I was guided by my flesh.
And I used the freedom given to me to act a damn fool behind closed doors..

If it means anything, this young man has now worked my last nerve and I hardly talk to him..
All in the span of about a week:)

But if I feel that urge..
He lives in my building;)

~Ash

Quick "Beauty"?

Well, I got a weave. A "quick" one at that. I got bored, as I always do, and just HAD to have something to swing. So after I realized invisible braids would not be possible due to the length of my hair (or lack of) and the price Africans were trying to charge me ($220!!), I evaluated my options.. And quick weave was it! I looked up tutorials on YouTube, got all the needed tools, painstakingly gelled down my cute and curly baby 'fro, and went to work! And what you see is what I got. 10 inches of insta-hair with shakability.

When I first walked out the house I felt like a damn fool. Even though I KNOW I am worlds better than the fake women walking the streets of Memphis, I knew I was now with the fakeness of weave. I haven't had weave, and by weave I mean tracks, since I was 18! And back then I had a perm and my goal was to make it look as natural as possible and it did. People really thought that was my hair lol. But NOW being fake is celebrated. So here I am walking around town with what is basically a damn wig glued to the top of my gelled down 'fro. What would The Ancestors think?? Surely I have offended them! Well, I got what I wanted. I now have something to shake and swing but it is not without a cost..

I am not use to having hair, y'all! Even before I shaved my head I was not used to THIS mess. Even washing my face is a hassle because I have hair in the way that I also have to worry about getting wet. Showering is not as enjoyable because I now have to have a head wrap on to keep my head dry where I would normally stand under the shower head and feel the hot water hitting my skull down into my soul. THAT is a luxury my Black women have given up in the name of "beauty".. Oh, Hair, what have you DONE to me?!

And don't even get me started on my jogging and working out! I feel like a prisoner in my own skin. I feel like I'm working out in a helmet. A hot, sweaty helmet! My, how I missed my shaved head:(

The only reason I am keeping this mess in is so I can get my money's worth! Lol! I ain' THAT much of a fool. But I do NOT feel like myself. I feel like an imposter on Halloween or something. It's amazing now far I have come to where I am now. I used to feel ugly without weave but here I am present day natural and loving it. I have shaken off the shackles of Eurocentric Beauty, ideals that were never meant for Black women. Ideals that were never meant for ME. I love me. Alec, my boyfriend, loves me. Bald head and all. And so does my sister Dee and her amazing family. MY family. I love who I am and what I look like and I love the strength God has bestowed upon me to be myself. I love the fact that I give honor to Him by honoring myself by simply being me. And right now I feel like I am disgracing him.. I will give this another week, THIS week, and Little Ms Insta-Beauty is coming out. This is not my beauty, this is not me. And the phase I went through of wanting "something to shake" is out my system:)

-Sailor Taylor