Trying to Deal

Apparently, I am stressed.
And I didn't know this until I had to run from class the other day in order to burst into tears in the restroom as opposed to in class, in front of my comrades and sergeants.

I ended up talking with my Petty Officer about handling stress while class was going on and I wiped the tears from my red face.

I didn't even know I was under pressure. I didn't even know I was about to crack.
I have a high tolerance for pain, and apparently that pain is mental as well.

School, the Navy, PT, graduation in less than 7 weeks, and the big ass test I have to take BEFORE I graduate that will determine my future that I know I am not ready for, is all weighing down on me..

Times like now I wish I stayed an oblivious civilian.
But I thought I wanted this so bad.
Christ. What the hell was I thinking?

In less than a year, I have become fluent in Persian Farsi via being force fed the language, WHILE carrying out the duties of the Navy without the immediate and tangible support of my family and friends or an intimate relationship.
And besides that, I have been in the Navy for a little over a year. I left for boot camp August 17th of 2010. It is now September 2011.

I am tired. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Fed up..
And I haven't even entered my contracted four years yet because I am still in training.
I got over four years of this shit left, man.

What did I get myself into?
Why was a so certain I wanted this life?
The grass ain always greener, y'all.

Lord.
Pray for me, for I feel I am whoring myself out for a cause I am not certain about what the Navy has to offer just yet.

I tell myself that I will make my final decision about the Navy when I finish A School, but as of right now, this shit sucks.
I am unhappy. I am not myself. I am not a civilian. I am Seaman Taylor, property of the US Navy.

~Ash

"You Don't Have to Prove Nothing to Nobody"

..That's what a friend of mine told me when I mentioned I felt the need to "stick it" to my ex Ladarrius because I was getting that sick feeling in my stomach that he was going to try to pop back into my life again.

You see, Ladarrius has this thing of reappearing no matter what. We get into it and he disappears for a while. Or we get into it, he starts talking to a lil heffa in whatever town he's stationed in, and he disappears. And then when he gets bored or he and whatever lil tramps he was talking to didn't work out or he's done all the shopping and going to amusement parks he can do, he rears his ugly head again no matter what city or town he's in. Blowin' up my cell and shit..

And I had the feeling that it was around the time for him to start doing blowin' me up again. Or maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive because I just joined the Navy, passed all the tests they presented me with and got a bad ass job all by myself. Without him OR his support.

He told me I would never amount to anything, wouldn't be able to pass the Navy's physical fitness tests, and that I didn't even need to try because I just wasn't good enough and didn't have what it took to be a Sailor..

Who the hell says that to someone you supposedly "love"? Who at one point in time you thought was "The One"? That shit hurt my soul and kept a fire burning in my heart to succeed. How dare someone put ME and MY DREAMS down like that?! And someone that I used to love and at the time still had love for??

The thing with Ladarrius is that the boy has issues. I mean OBVIOUSLY. He's very competitive and really has low self esteem because he HAS to talk himself up and put me, as well as others, down. Aint that some shit?? The last thing we as a People need is another fucked up Black man, but here he is! And his name is Ladarrius.

So my friend told me that I should NEVER feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I really appreciated the truth he told me. But I still couldn't shake that feeling that he would show back up into my life. I felt anxious and nervous and didn't like that one bit.

So I dug around, found his number (because yall KNOW I deleted that shit), and texted him that I joined the Navy, was doing well, and was due to ship out in a few months..

I ain hear shit from him. And I know his number works and I know he got my damn message. Lil bastard didn't have shit to say about that. Lil bastard didn't want to see ME, of people, actually doing as well as him and on my way to being better than him..
But oh well. Because as soon as I sent that message and realized he wasn't going to reply, I felt worlds better. I said my peace, even though I know it shouldn't have mattered. But it did. And I felt better afterwards. And that's all that fuckin matters, how *I* feel. Fuck Ladarrius.

And now, Life goes on:) Angry rant over. Had to get that out.

~*Pie*