7

I have been a bit stressed and not feeling like writing, but I know I should for those who follow me. So here goes..

Today is August 8th, a Sunday. I leave August 17th, a Tuesday. I stop counting the days before I leave that Sunday, the 15th, the day before the Monday I go to the hotel. So according to my calculations, I have 7 days left.

7 days before my life forever changes.

And I am stressed as fuck.

I have this weird thing where I don't quite process traumatic things. I just keep going. I don't allow myself time to grieve or think about what just happened because I am afraid doing so will dishearten me. So I immediately go to Plan B.
And I guess you can say that is what I have done yet again.

You see, my "final" courtesy weigh-in went horribly. I gained ONE POUND and the woman who taped me had me at an EXTRA FIVE PERCENT BODY FAT!! How does ONE POUND EQUAL to 5 PERCENT body fat, I will never know. But it looks like in the span of about 2 weeks, I went from 30% body fat, which is great because I had a 6% cushion, to 35%, and only having a 1% cushion. Which really is no cushion at all.
Why I didn't get kicked out the Navy right then and there, I don't know. I should have disputed those damn measurements. That doesn't make any damn sense! All I can say is God keeps having my back, but why can't He have my STOMACH?? In no way am I complaining. I do realize, and always have, that I will have to fight for this career in the Navy, but I just want my weight "issue" to be over!

I still workout everyday, but I have turned into a compulsive eater as well. I don't eat as often as I should, I have about one big meal a day, and still eat after 6pm. Laxatives don't really work. They cause me to bloat and put on water weight.

I do stomach wraps and workout in layers to sweat and get my "core" temperature up, but nothing seems to work for me. I can look at my body and see the weight I have put on and I don't know what to do.

I have 8 days until I go back to MEPS and they do another mini physical in which they will weigh and measure me again. If I don't meet the requirements there, I WILL NOT go to boot camp..

I would just die. What else would I do? What else can I do? I would be a wreck.

So I can't let that happen.

I'm trying.. But.. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid. I am so close and yet so far. I thought I would be rid of this shit by now. But I am not.

Ugh!

Today I am working out and running twice, once alone and then with my friend. That's all I can do. Just keep it up. And watch what I eat.

I keep calculating different measurements for myself, "just in case." I need to know what could possibly happen. And I need to never have that shitty woman measure me again. I am afraid, but I truly don't feel as though I will not go to boot camp. No matter what, I will not surpass 35%. Technically, I didn't get to 35% this last time. The damn woman measured too low on my hips (story of my life!). But this next time, this last time, will be different. I WILL pass the body fat measurements at MEPS and I WILL go to boot camp and I WILL pass every single body fat, physical, and mental test they have! I am NOT coming home without a uniform!

Woooo saaaa..
I am having an anxiety attack over here. Pray for me. God, be with me. I want this. I do. I just need a bit of help.

~Sailor Taylor