My Dad

I want to keep this short. I'm not for opening up old wounds, but I wanted to blog about this..

My Mom and Dad are both from Memphis (well, Momma kinda isn't lol) and met in the Memphis Navy Reserves after years of being on active duty. Dad joined the Navy in August 1969 (the same month I am leaving for boot camp. Ironic, right?) and Mom joined around the same time as well. And I don't blame them. After experiencing the assassination of Martin Luther King and integration from segregation, I would want to get the hell out of Memphis too.

But, back to my story, and this part is what freaks out a lot of people..
My Mom and Dad were married to other people when they conceived me. Momma was married to a fellow Sailor and my Dad was, and still is, married to a civilian. They got together and had me during their affair. Mom eventually got divorced from my step-dad when I was 3 and Dad, as I said, is still married to his wife.

My life was turbulent, to say the least. I knew Dad had an entirely separate family and I knew I had 3 older sisters. But I was kept a secret. It wasn't until my Freshman and Sophomore years of college that I was finally able to track down my sisters via Facebook and tell them who I am.

All hell broke loose. I had shattered their happy-go-lucky, picture perfect life. My sisters laid into me. They spoke ill of me and my Mother. And I have YET to forgive them for that. NO ONE speaks ill of my Mother. I don't give a damn who you are. My Mother is off limits.

Years ago, our Dad cheated and had me. Get over it. I have. For the most part, anyway.
But there's nothing like being "The Other Child," having to live in secrecy away from one half of your family because you are the dirty little secret. There's nothing like not being able to go out in public with your Mom and Dad for fear that someone will see your married Dad out with his Other Family. There's nothing like knowing you have a family out there that does not know about you. There's nothing like knowing where your sisters live and where they go to school but you still can't touch them. And there's nothing like having to call your Dad by his first name for the first 7 years of your life because "Daddy," even in private, was unacceptable.

There's so much more bullshit I was subjected to that I could write about. But I won't. I've already said enough..

But, long story short, my relationship with my Dad is nonexistent. I stopped talking to him after my sisters and I got into it once I told them who I am and he took their side. He basically said I had "corrupted" and upset HIS family by telling them of my existence. He said I shouldn't have told them. He yelled at me. It was as if it wasn't my right to know who I am and where I come from. I was devastated and heartbroken. After decades of dreaming of finally meeting my sisters and telling them that I exist, they do not welcome me with arms wide open, but damn me and my Mother.

So I stopped talking to him, gave up on them, and disowned that part of me just as they had disowned me. I was my Mother's child and no one else's. Period. And I would have loved to keep it that way. But when I joined the Navy my recruiter told me I had to get BOTH of my parents' information. I wanted to declare my father dead, but he said that would not look good on my behalf once the Navy did my background check and found out my father was actually living. Shit.

So I got into contact with a cousin on my Dad's side who actually likes me (The cousins are cool with me, ironically. It's the sisters who hate me). She was supportive of my Navy endeavors and gave me his contact information so I could get in contact with him and finish filling out my initial paperwork to enlist.

So I reluctantly called him. He knew who I was, of course. And he actually gave me his information. I was surprised at that. And I was surprised at myself for actually wanting his approval with what I was doing with my life. This was back in December, but I had just graduated college and was now joining the Navy. Not only was I college educated BEFORE my older sisters, I was also joining the military like he and Momma did.

Our conversation was strained and just short of two strangers speaking strictly on business terms.

That was back in December and I haven't spoken to him since. And I had no intentions of speaking to him again. Not before I went to bootcamp, not after, not ever quite possibly.

But today, out the blue, Dad called me.

I'd had him on my mind some days ago, but I'd thought nothing of it. I've also been having dreams about people from my past that I no longer talk to, but I thought that was just my "spidey senses" telling me that they would randomly pop back up into my life again before I leave. Or I thought that was my mind's way of helping me let go of my past to move on to my future. I don't know what is was, but I dismissed it..

And then here comes my Dad. Calling me. Talking all jolly as if nothing had happened between us. He called me his "baby" and asked me to send a picture to his phone and he would send me a picture of the ship he was on: The USS Enterprise.

We talked about me going to bootcamp (he made a mean ass comment about my weight. But whatever. I'm brushing off all bullshit), the Navy, my Mom, and other things. I was dumbfounded. I think he even told me he loved me. I was too dazed to realize.

When we hung up the phone, I cried. Not too much. Just a little. I was so shaken up. His calling me was too much. I had to call my sister on my Mother's side, the one I grew up with (we have different fathers) to talk about this. I was about to explode.
After all these years, all this hurt and him disowning me, RIGHT before I leave for a new Life, my estranged Dad calls me. My past came back to haunt me. It was an emotional experience. And words still fail me now..

It was like he knew I was about to leave. It was like something told him to call me after 8 months of not speaking. And he was so happy and proud. And I have no idea why. I cannot figure out my dad at all, but this was just odd.. It was as if nothing happened.

Maybe he feels guilty? I don't know. But we made plans to call each other before I go. Not SEE each other, but call..

I can do that, I guess.
Wow..

Now, if you excuse me, I am done crying and reliving my not so distant past. I'm going to the movies on this last Friday night at home:)

~Sailor Taylor

Military Men, I Bid You Adieu

I will keep this short and sweet.
It is with a fire that smolders deep within me that I write this. For I have had enough.

Of all the military men I have dated, all have ended with the mistreatment of me and my finding out about their various other women via the internet. They know nothing about me and honestly think they are the only ones.
The internet will give you away every single time.

And to this I say I am done. No longer will men of the military have their way with my heart. I have had enough of the hurt, the lying, and the dishonesty.
I have no idea how this will work as I begin my own military career, but I have to heal myself. I'm just tired of their foolishness.

Who knows? Maybe I will be so consumed with my cryptological studies that all I will want and have time for will be a simple romp in the hay. Pure sexual satisfaction. And I suppose that will be enough during that period of my life.

But what I truly want, deep down inside, is a meaningful relationship: something I have not had in almost 3 years.

True, with me leaving a relationship has not been at the top of my doable priorities list these past few months. But I am ready. And I am disgusted with the shenanigans of those men who don a uniform.

So, until my future pans out, I am locking my vulnerability far deep and far away and I bid military men adieu.
I'm throwing them deuces.

~Sailor Taylor