..And Not A Man In Sight.

When I enlisted and realized I would be stuck in this shit-hole town for about 7 months just WAITING to ship out, I decided I would date around. Why not? I was single, free, vibrant, and eventually I got financially on my feet. But my dating would be nothing serious, just something fun to "hold me over." I knew a serious relationship would be detrimental for me and I didn't want to drag anyone along once I left (I've been in that position and it HURTS), so "casual" was the way to go.
And then I met Alec and he, well, turned out to be crazy. Ape shit crazy. Oops.

So, after that unexpected and horrid encounter, I got back into the dating game with a vengeance.
Or so I thought.
I have not been able to meet a single new man worth dating or, hell, even my text messages. I try. I put it out there, whatever "it" is and I get nothing in return. Nothing but crazies, nobodies, and nothings.
I thought I would have one of those hot, steamy, epic summer romances that fizzles out just in time at the end of the summer. I thought I would meet my summer guy. Just one. One was all I needed. I thought I would have a summer relationship and get my groove back and be jump started for boot camp. But nope! Not at all. My ass is still very single in every sense of the word.
I mean, I can understand The Man Upstairs not wanting me to get distracted and I haven't.. For the most part (I have gained weight, so I guess my distraction would be food??), but this is insane. Never have I gone through a dry spell like this. Sure, I get out and hang with the few token friends I do have, but that's about it. I don't date. I CAN'T date. I've tried:( But hell, I barely even have sex. And that is what hurts my feelings most of all:( I need my Vitamin D!

So, here I am with two months left and I am lonely as shit. I just wanted someone to hold me as I sleep. Someone to do things with.. I haven't had that feeling since my ex. And I miss that. A lot. But I am giving up hope. What's the point of hanging on? You know, it always was a fear that I would meet someone and fall madly in love but now I see what an irrational fear that was! I have to actually meet someone for that to happen..

Shit. Well, guess I'll turn my attentions to other things.. As if I haven't been doing that already. Damn.

~Sailor Taylor

P.S. Oh, and I just looooove when men tell me "Oh, I can't believe you're single!" Shit, son, I just AM! Leave it be! Stop rubbing it in! Hell! Ugh.

And So The Loneliness Sets In

I have exactly 3 months today until I ship out to boot camp (August 17th, a Tuesday) and here I am craving the one thing I just cannot have: Companionship.

I tried for so long to stay busy and fight off the feelings that festered deep inside me and yet, nonetheless, they still arose. I want someone. Someone to Love.

Yes, that dreaded "L" word.

Like Whitney said, "I wanna feel The Heat." But I cannot. For from where would this "Heat" come? What good would come of such a thing? I am still young and I imagine so would he, whomever this "he" would be. And a long distance relationship simply would not work. Not unless God called for it to be, and I don't think He would. He knows what is best, even if my heart does not.

But I want someone! I want what I have not had since before my ex left Memphis for the Navy and forever changed..
And that was three years ago, which may as well have been a lifetime ago. Or never occurred at all. It feels as thought it was but a short lived dream.

I've had minuscule, insignificant "relationships" since then but none like what he and I had. And I want that again. But better. I do not want that heartache again. I want Truth, which is what I fancied I had with him but in fact did not..

You know, there IS someone I have had my temporary sights set on even though we do clash at times(he's a know-it-all Virgo), but I don't want to hurt him by leaving him 3 months from now. Even he said he wanted to ask me out until I opened my mouth about joining the Navy. He said he doesn't do long distance relationships and I don't blame him. I imagine he cannot do much more after his own failed relationship. And we wouldn't stand the test of time, anyway...

*Sigh.*

I try to look for a guy to fill this void and all I find are losers, weirdos, and stalkers with rejection issues. No one worth my time or Me.
So, here I am, alone, feeling cold and with a trembling heart that just can't be sated.


Lord, help me. Show me the meaning of being lonely. Show me why you have allowed me to feel this way. Show me what to do because these feelings are certainly counterproductive.

Help me, please.

~Sailor Taylor