Relations and Lack There of

As you can probably tell, I am still single.
And have been for going on two years now. My last love was when I was 21. I'll be 25 in a few months.

Dating just isn't possible for me here in Monterey. The male populous consists of boy-children that I find horribly unattractive and immature. How a good number of people here manage to find a spouse is beyond me. I hardly see anyone worth giving my number to, let alone spending my life with.
But I know loneliness has a lot to do with everything.
I get lonely too.

But I have resolved that God does not want me to get attached because he knows how I get: a hopeless romantic wreck that pays attention to nothing else but her mate.
So I stay single and study. So far that's working for me, but my nights get lonely and my bed cold.

Honestly, the infidelity that runs ramped in the military from all levels is amazing and disgusting. It has put the fear of marriage in my heart..
Well, truthfully speaking, it was there beforehand lol. But the military just reaffirms it. I would love a lasting relationship, but I just don't see it.

When I first got here, I was desperate for a relationship. And then I settled for a butt buddy. And when that didn't even happen, I suppressed urges for human interaction with movies, food, alcohol, and friends.
But that only lasts for so long..
Okay, not saying that I haven't gotten laid since I have been here, but I am saying that sex only goes so far when you want more. It's a temporary thing, ya dig??

Anyway, the good thing about my next command is I will be out of training status, back down South, and a petty officer. Meaning I can date all the Black sergeants and other NCOs I want.. Within reason, of course:)

But I look forward to and seek companionship. The infidelity I will deal with should the occasion arise.. And I pray it does not.

But I do have someone from before kinda waiting on me down South. He represented a turning point in my life and I thought I loved him, but he fucked that up. So while I do still care about him, it is not the same. But I cannot help but look forward to seeing him again. It's motivation to get the hell out of here and to him.. Or anyone, really.

I've had my fill of Monterey and I just want to be happy again. Love is the missing piece.

-Ash

Butterflies and Such

I have, realistically speaking, about 3 and a half days until I head to the hotel. And I am finally starting to feel a tiny sensation of butterflies.
Before I wasn't. Before, these last few days were just like any other.
It wasn't until I FINALLY decided to plan a going away dinner, send out text messages, and post a Facebook event that I started to feel a little giddy.
This is finally happening:)

I really didn't want to have a going away "function" because I was scared that would somehow jinx everything I have worked for. I'm superstitious like that. That's just how I am. When I am in a relationship, I don't like telling too many people because I am afraid something "bad" will happen. And if I ever get married, I am not having a huge wedding because I wouldn't want everyone all up in my business and happiness.
Y'all get what I'm sayin'? I have a serious Beyonce complex about keeping my happiness private in order to preserve it. This blog may seem like I put everything on front street, but I don't..

So me having a gathering was a big step for me. It still is. It's like I am finally accepting the fact that I am leaving. This is happening. Nothing is keeping me from going to bootcamp. Not my weight, not anything. This is real.
And now I am stressing about who will and will not show up. It's such a popularity contest and I never won those. I almost don't want to have this thing, but my aunt wanted me to. And I owe my limited amount of fam here in town a good-bye. And for those who don't show up, knowing my contract is for up to 8 years due to linguistics school, they can kiss my ass. That is a good indication of who are and are not my "real" friends. I am having a good time these last few days no matter what.. Sans excessive drinking and eating. That just makes you fat lol.

Oh, and get this.
My period started today.
Yep! So my ass is going to be bleeding and cramping my first few days at bootcamp. How fun.
I knew it was coming. I knew I would be pushing it, but I was hoping and PRAYING that it would hold off. I was hoping and praying that the stress of bootcamp would cause my cycle to stop those 9 weeks I will be at RTC. But nope!
Also, I bloat. BAD. So I will be cutting my salt and popping water pills like Skittles. The LAST thing I need is for my damned period to make me appear fat when I am not and affect my measurements and weight. Oh God! I hate this:(
Oh, and because my cycle started, that means I won't be getting laid right before I ship out. OH LAWD, WHY LAWD?!? I haven't had sex since my ex came home on Liberty from the Navy for the 4th of July holiday (I finally cut him off too. So we aren't talking anymore. It was a serious moment of weakness). So it has been over a month for me. And it won't be until at least another 9 weeks that I can possibly have sex again. And then who will I have it with? I won't know anybody! And I have to really KNOW a person to bang them.
*Le Sigh*
God doesn't want me fucking. Obviously. Ha!
Okay, I'm done..

Um, let's see.. What else?..

Okay, so I am thinking bootcamp will more than likely kick my ass. Mentally, I am about 2 thirds of the way prepared. I know the Sailor's Creed and I know the 11 General Orders of a Sentry in any order. I do need a better acquaintance of the Navy's history and I don't know the ranks and recognitions. I need to know that. Or at least have a good enough idea of them. I'm not feeling some over zealous officer making me do push-ups because I don't know just who the hell they are.

And I just may call everyone "sir" and "ma'am" initially because I am Southern and Momma raised me right. That's how we greet people down here. It's just good manners! That will be a hard habit to break..

But back to boot camp kicking my ass!
I am not where I need to be physically. I'm just not. I'm not horrible, but I will be made "stronger" while I am there. Lord, help me =/ I'm not where I used to be when I first enlisted and now I am working to get back to that point, and I will reach that point. But I don't want it to be at the expense of me getting held back in bootcamp because I wasn't physically up to par. I gotta push it once I get there to get out on my scheduled time and then head to linguistics school. These physical fitness and swimming tests freak me out. I just have to breath and DO IT. Period...

Hmm... I'm using this as an update blog. I'm just trying to make sure have covered all my bases..

Okay, so I started Neutrogena Skin iD. My sister gave me one of her extra kits since we have similar oily skin types. So far, it has dried my skin out to where it is now peeling, but my acne is almost gone! Lol. I was DESPERATE to try any and everything. My face is seriously looking bad, but this stuff is getting rid of the pimples. Now if I could only get rid of these acne marks:( I don't want to wear those horrible glasses in bootcamp and have bad acne and a scarred face. Ugh:(

Aaaaannnnnnd, lastly, even though I have 3.5 days left, I have started the Atkins diet. If I can somehow cut 5 lbs while on my cycle, right before I hit MEPS, I will be ecstatic. I workout everyday anyway, but that added push would always be appreciated. And after doing research on it, it sounds like a great idea for the short term and I totally get why cutting carbs aids in serious weight loss. I'm not sure about in the long run, but I should have been doing this weeks ago.
Oh well! There's no time like the present and I do love meat:)

So, in closing, I am excited about everything. I am still fighting my way through any bullshit and adversity I may face, whether it be water weight, acne, butterflies, or fitness troubles. But I got this. I am going to bootcamp on August 17th. I will not be afraid. I will fear not. I will be positive.
This is it.

Thank you, God.

~Sailor Taylor