The Promised Land

Can I just say that even though I am ALL KINDS of stressed out about these last five weeks of training, I am SO happy to finally be getting out of this place? Every time I think about the Prize that is Augusta, GA, I get excited and teary eyed and smile to myself. I feel like shoutin', y'all!

It seems like a far away reality that is bound to happen and I thank God that it will. These last five weeks will go by SO fast and all I can do in the meantime is study and get ready for all that God has promised me. This four day weekend coming up will be perfect for that:)

And then I can get the HELL out of here..

Man. I know when I get my final scores I will cry from Joy because failure is not an option and I have wanted this, and stressed this, and worked HARD for this. God let me know long ago that even though this shit is rough and I am not my happinest at all while here, I am MEANT to be here. I just gotta meet Him half way, have faith the size of a mustard seed, and He will do the rest.

Yeah!

~Ash

Relations and Lack There of

As you can probably tell, I am still single.
And have been for going on two years now. My last love was when I was 21. I'll be 25 in a few months.

Dating just isn't possible for me here in Monterey. The male populous consists of boy-children that I find horribly unattractive and immature. How a good number of people here manage to find a spouse is beyond me. I hardly see anyone worth giving my number to, let alone spending my life with.
But I know loneliness has a lot to do with everything.
I get lonely too.

But I have resolved that God does not want me to get attached because he knows how I get: a hopeless romantic wreck that pays attention to nothing else but her mate.
So I stay single and study. So far that's working for me, but my nights get lonely and my bed cold.

Honestly, the infidelity that runs ramped in the military from all levels is amazing and disgusting. It has put the fear of marriage in my heart..
Well, truthfully speaking, it was there beforehand lol. But the military just reaffirms it. I would love a lasting relationship, but I just don't see it.

When I first got here, I was desperate for a relationship. And then I settled for a butt buddy. And when that didn't even happen, I suppressed urges for human interaction with movies, food, alcohol, and friends.
But that only lasts for so long..
Okay, not saying that I haven't gotten laid since I have been here, but I am saying that sex only goes so far when you want more. It's a temporary thing, ya dig??

Anyway, the good thing about my next command is I will be out of training status, back down South, and a petty officer. Meaning I can date all the Black sergeants and other NCOs I want.. Within reason, of course:)

But I look forward to and seek companionship. The infidelity I will deal with should the occasion arise.. And I pray it does not.

But I do have someone from before kinda waiting on me down South. He represented a turning point in my life and I thought I loved him, but he fucked that up. So while I do still care about him, it is not the same. But I cannot help but look forward to seeing him again. It's motivation to get the hell out of here and to him.. Or anyone, really.

I've had my fill of Monterey and I just want to be happy again. Love is the missing piece.

-Ash

Trying to Deal

Apparently, I am stressed.
And I didn't know this until I had to run from class the other day in order to burst into tears in the restroom as opposed to in class, in front of my comrades and sergeants.

I ended up talking with my Petty Officer about handling stress while class was going on and I wiped the tears from my red face.

I didn't even know I was under pressure. I didn't even know I was about to crack.
I have a high tolerance for pain, and apparently that pain is mental as well.

School, the Navy, PT, graduation in less than 7 weeks, and the big ass test I have to take BEFORE I graduate that will determine my future that I know I am not ready for, is all weighing down on me..

Times like now I wish I stayed an oblivious civilian.
But I thought I wanted this so bad.
Christ. What the hell was I thinking?

In less than a year, I have become fluent in Persian Farsi via being force fed the language, WHILE carrying out the duties of the Navy without the immediate and tangible support of my family and friends or an intimate relationship.
And besides that, I have been in the Navy for a little over a year. I left for boot camp August 17th of 2010. It is now September 2011.

I am tired. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Fed up..
And I haven't even entered my contracted four years yet because I am still in training.
I got over four years of this shit left, man.

What did I get myself into?
Why was a so certain I wanted this life?
The grass ain always greener, y'all.

Lord.
Pray for me, for I feel I am whoring myself out for a cause I am not certain about what the Navy has to offer just yet.

I tell myself that I will make my final decision about the Navy when I finish A School, but as of right now, this shit sucks.
I am unhappy. I am not myself. I am not a civilian. I am Seaman Taylor, property of the US Navy.

~Ash

I Promise I'm Coming Back..

Wow!
Where the hell have I been, right??

Sorry:(

Life and laziness kinda took off..

But I will return! I need a means of bitchin'. And this life requires Bitchin'!

I'm under a shit ton of stress right now, and I think this will help. Otherwise.. Well.. I don't know.

Pray for me, y'all!

I'll be back.

~Ash

Classing Up

Today started the first day of Persian-Farsi classes for myself and a good number of others in other branches across the base.

Really, it was just an indoctrination of sorts. We never stepped foot in a class. Nor do we know how our class will be broken up (we have 6 students per teacher per learning group).

But I will say that while others are nervous and worrying about how hard the class will be, I am pretty damn excited. I welcome the challenge. Hell, this is what I signed up for!

Maybe it's my ignorance, but I don't fear the unknown. And I don't know how hard or easy this course will be for me. So why bitch and moan about it? And even if it is hard, all I have to do is study, get a tutor, and submerge myself in the language(I love Persian radio!!).

But I did not freak out or stress out in bootcamp, and I'll be damned if I do it here! Stressing screws me up, so I ain doin it. I perform well under pressure and stay calm at all times.
I'm just cool like that, yo!

And can I get say that I am *extremely* annoyed by those who worry?? I literally cannot stand that shit. What good is worrying going to do? Is it going to get you to your goal any quicker, or will your fears cause you to fuck up faster?? Ugh. Just shut up with the worrying and nervous shit. I hate it.
Needless to say, I stay away from people who worry. I just can't do it. I have no patience for it whatsoever and I will NOT be having their nervous shit rub off on me. And in order for me NOT to go off on my shipmates or classmates who so freak out, I quietly excuse myself before I blow up at them.
Not everyone feels the same as I do or is as cool I am, so I try to respect that. But don't you dare bring me down!

But I think my advantage over lot of people will be the fact I am SO damn single. It sucks, but while everyone is out and about being distracted my their sig others or devoting time to someone else or crying over the breakups that are sure to come or getting married and divorced 6 months later, I will be focused on homework and studying.
Yes, I see myself being quite lonely, but very successful. Kinda like Oprah, if you will lol.
They tell us all the time that we are here to learn a language and to do well within our respected branches. Everything and everyone else is irrelevant, and I think I got that part down lol. I wanna be the one everyone runs to for help because I got my shit down (for some reason I feel I will be really smart and good in class!! Ignorance?? Maybe. But fuck it:))
Persian is my boyfriend now. I'm focusing on him so the REAL men out there won't tear us apart (not like they're knocking at my door anyway!).
This has got to be one of the few times that being single trumps being attached.
They can have that shit. I pretty much only wanted sex anyway>;)
But now not even that will distract me:(

And at least while everyone is out and about spending money and going off base, I will be here hittin the books..
Which will really work out because Cali is expensive! I HATE spending money and being broke. I got bills, damnit! Ugh. I need to save more. It's like before you know it all my lil money is gone:( It shouldn't be this way.
So at least class will help me out with distracting me in a good way. I won't have to spend any money:)


Okay! This is it for now. Gonna go listen to some Persian radio and surf the net.
Toodles!

-Sailor Taylor

You Are Cordially Invited..

To read my damn blog!

Don't y'all feel special??

Due to the certain someone I mentioned in my last blog getting "upset" about her lil appearance, my shit is now private. Now, I love sharing my lil life with the world, but I'm not about to feel self conscious about what I write.

So I'll just have to invite who I want to read my words. And that blows, but it's what I have to do..

But really the entire situation is retarded because if ANYONE should be upset with what happened it should be ME. And I am.

Think about it: Here is this catty female who is from the same town as I, but the other side of the proverbial tracks. No one here at this base in our small group knows about Memphis or the neighborhoods within it. But she "randomly" starts talking about the "trashy" neighborhoods of Memphis and specifically and ONLY names my own, Orange Mound. But then she goes OUT of her way to say that I am from the aforementioned "trashy" neighborhood..

WHY do that? No one here knows anything about Memphis! No one here has a problem with me. At least I thought they didn't. And I didn't think I had issue with this superficial female. But I do now! Had a friend not told me, I never would have known the shit that came out of that heffa's mouth! I never would have seen her for the true piece of crap she is..
But, oh, shit does travel!

I mean, that was some fowl, low-down, dirty shit to pull. That hurt. She doesn't know me! She doesn't know my story or what the hell I been through or what I am capable of or my family or the sacrifices made..

All she knows is Class.

And, yes, I am from the Hood. But I am a thousand times more real that she will EVER be. Ever.

But, anyway, she apparently read my blog about her when it was public and got mad at me for calling her out.
Ha!
I have free speech on this matter and why be mad?? She did it!
Don't be ashamed now.

But since then she has been trying to get in my good graces. She just can't keep her damn mouth shut. That's what got her on my shit list on the first place.
But now she tries to compliment me and stand up for me at bars. Like I need her.

Ugh. Just... stop.

But, long story short, that is why my blog is now private. Nosey evil-doers lol.

Anywho, this blog will go on regardless. This is just a lil update:)

-Sailor Taylor

I Am A United States Sailor..

Well, hello there, My Online Stalkers! Long time no hear from, right??

Sorry for the delay. I actually graduated bootcamp on October 8th, 2010 and left RTC for Monterey, CA on October 13th.

My, what a completely SHITTY time it was. I mean I absolutely HATED bootcamp. I was soooo depressed. I felt ugly, hated, unloved, alienated, and every other negative feeling there is. Hardly anyone would write me! Lazy asses. Letters are what keep us going in bootcamp!
Ugh. I don't like thinking about bootcamp at all. I feel like I whored myself out and was redeemed and am now in the process of healing myself from my hellish past. Yes, it was that BAD. And, really, my issue was the fuckheads I was in the division with. Bootcamp itself was not that horrible. But the people there can SUCK IT.

Ugh.. As I continue on with my blog posts and am able to come to terms with all that is Recruit Training Command, I will gladly share stories of my misadventures in bootcamp.. If I can stomach it.

BUT now here I am in sunny California!!
Not.
Child, Monterey is cold, honey! Apparently, I did not do my research full out. Apparently, my country ass thought Cali would be paved in gold and love, and it is NOT.

Some days it looks like London here because it gets so damn foggy and gloomy. But no. I am simply on the other side of the damn country, far away from my home and family and I miss them.

Lord, I never thought I would miss my family or shitty ass Memphis as much as I do now.

It's hard out here for a Black Woman! And a Southern one at that. Someone who is very sensitive to racial relations. The ignorance of some of these people amazes me. It's not quite racism because some of these fuckheads, I can tell, genuinely think they have to use stereotypes to relate to me. Like, why do you feel the need to bring up grape kool-aid, fried chicken, watermelon, fingersnaps, and neck rolls to relate to me?? Yes, child!

And I am so lonely here. African Americans are few and far between here. Who can I relate to? Who will take me seriously and who will I not have to worry about racial ignorance or comments around?

The Defense Language Institute at the Presidio of Monterey is an Army base and all the branches of the military are here because this is THE place to go to learn a foreign language (I can tell you this because it's readily available on the internet and the websitie for the DLI). The other branches have more African Americans in them than the Navy does, but people are so clicky here. It's hard including oneself into another pre-determined group. But sometimes I want to because I miss my People! I am coming from a town that is rough and about 90% Black to here: a place where alot of people think it is okay to reference kool-aid and watermelon to me.
Every time I see a Black person, I want to run to them with arms wide open saying "Another Black person! Let us be friends!!"
Lol. Sad, but true.

Sidenote: Do you know one of these females here called my neighborhood, and therefore me, trash?! Honey, let's not forget this trash has hood-breed survival skills her bougie ass will never have. And this trash has a four year college degree! Don't forget that!

Anywho! I see myself staying mad focused for the year that I am here learning Persian-Farsi, the language of Iran (yep!). Work seems to be the thing that will hold me over until I leave this place.
I'll be damned if I don't get straight A's up in this piece!

But, yeah, back to me being lonely..
I am! Hell, bootcamp was so hard on me mentally. I got to wishing and thinking that maybe I should have gotten an honorary/temporary boyfriend to hold me over until I graduated so I could dump him afterwards! LMAO! But I'm for real, yal. It was tough on me.

I need healing of all kinds in this mug!

And do you know where is NO place for me to get my hair braided?! I have to go to the NEXT town over to find a decent hair braider! And I had to order the braiding hair from online because they don't carry the kind I need here! Thank God for Craigsllist and the internet. That's all I gotta say on that shit.

Okay, my random ass ramblings are over with for now. Sorry for the long ass delay. But can you tell this was therapudic for me?? It was.

More later!
Love,

Sailor Taylor