What is This Thing That I Fear?

Why do I have this irrational fear of marriage? Is it because I am more conscious than most, see the world for what it is and know that marriage is not what I want? Is it because I think of marriage as the modern day Peculiar Institution? In my home, in the South, marrying young and having children while in one's early 20s are a way of life. The majority of my graduating class already have children and a few are married as well. But I see all of that as a Death Sentence.

Or do I secretly want a glimpse into this Institution? Am I really that curious to know about it? When I was younger, innocent, having experienced nothing and growing up without a father, all I wanted was Love. I wanted that epic love that I saw in the movies and read about in books. I wanted a "man" to love me like that. I learned the hard way Love just doesn't work like that. Neither does Life.

So after a few heart aches, each one more devastating than the last and ending with my fiasco with Ladarrius, I turned into the harden, cold woman I am today. But that is just a protective shell for the "Real" Me. The Softer Me. I know deep down I cannot always fully ignore her because of moments like this. But the question is when (because I know there is a "when") I will allow her to flourish?

Now here I am at 23 years old, almost an old maid by the South's standards, with a great Soldier by my side. All he wants is for us to be there for one another through thick and thin and have patience(it's a virtue I'm working on!). And with us both being in the military, times WILL get rough. But for as long as I have been talking to Alec, I never thought he would turn into what he is now. It seems like forever until he will be home and hearing from him makes me smile, laugh and tear up. I want to hop on a plane to see him and make sure I stop to pick up some lingerie on the way lol! I don't know if I am going through the motions of being in the military or just caught up in the romanticism of being with a soldier(I'm smart enough and have done this enough to not suffer from those things, I know), but I love it. And one day I want to be IN love with him. And I know he's already on track to falling for me..

So who knows? Even though Alec and I are hundreds of miles away, have conflicting zodiacs(lol) and will one day be half a world apart when he goes to Afghanistan and I to California, maybe this guy is The Guy. The One for me. But only time will tell. I have trust issues and Alec better not break my heart, but I want to give him a try. I'm getting a little older now and I owe it to myself, and then to him, to give US a try. I'm crazy about this guy:)

*Warm fuzzy feelings* lol

~*Pie*

Lord Help Me, Please Tell Me What I Have Gotten Into!

Months ago I revamped my profile on Plenty of Fish (yes, I do the whole online dating thing) because I was ready to get back into the dating game. I chatted with a few guys, most were Shit, and one became my boyfriend. And that boyfriend and I quickly fell off. That child just had too much damn drama!

But through all that, one guy stayed in contact with me: Alec. He's 24, 6 feet, DARK skinned(that's my weakness yall), has a thick football player's build(205lbs! My other weakness!), is an E-4 in the Army, from Mississippi, enlisted in Memphis, and now lives in New York a base that is very close to Canada. He's a helicopter gunner, loves his job, and is the Go-To Guy when his superiors need to get the job done..

We started talking on POF, traded numbers and then took it to Yahoo IM. It took us MONTHS to even hear each other's voices. Some people just are more comfortable with typing their words rather than speaking them. I guess that was us. But I liked his positive attitude and encouraging, kind words:) He is a sweetie, and I think he's really genuine in that because most Soldiers eventually get messy with playing whatever games they are playing. Alec isn't like that. Or at least he doesn't seem to be like that.

Anyway, Alec came home for the holidays, as most service people do, but I was going through a few issues of my own and wasn't really trying to give him time of day anyway. So I didn't get to see him and we didn't speak until he was on his way back to NY. I didn't think anything of it.

And then, somehow, we got to talking again like real hard core. I have no idea how this happened. But we seriously clicked. He started calling me Baby, I started calling him Baby. We got to actually talking on the phone, sending each other pictures, and hearing from one another everyday. He confessed how he was feeling me and wanted to get to know me better and I did the same...

Yall see where I'm going with this, don't you? He said he wanted to be with me and do whatever he had to do to be with me. I kinda brushed it off, me being the untrusting skeptic that I am. What soldier doesn't want a PYT girl waiting on him back home? What soldier doesn't say that? Or something to that effect? That's what was going through my head.

But deep down I do have a soft, feminine side and this guy had reached it. I would think about him and smile at the though of his voice and everything about him. I fell for the idea of Alec.

So today he told me how well he did at the range and I said something to the effect of how well "my man" could shoot. He said "..so it's safe to call you my woman?" I reluctantly and fearfully said "yes." So now I have a boyfriend in New York, in the Army, who I have NEVER met before and is due for a year long deployment to Afghanistan this year.

Lord help me, please tell me what I have gotten into(thanks, Vivian Green)?! I LOVE sex. It's a recreational outlet for me. And, yet, here I am in a long distance relationship with a man who will not be home until this summer. And once he leaves he will be headed for war in the Middle East for the 2nd time while I will be headed to boot camp in Great Lakes, IL. Looks like my pussy is on lock down! Shit:(

You know, there's a reason for everything and most of the time I don't know that reason until after the fact. This situation with Alec is no different. Why the hell is this happening?? Damnit, I got a good ass man on my hands too! I mean, we are both in the military and we both have our "emotional" moments, so what if "the M word" becomes a factor?? Will I actually do it after all the bitchin' and moanin' I have been doing about how much I hate it?!

Wait, wait, wait. I am getting ahead of myself here. I haven't even met the guy yet lol! But, oddly enough, that's how I got my 1st boyfriend when I was 16. We talked first and then got together all before knowing what the other looked like.. Well, he knew what I looked like but I didn't know about him. I went on instincts. And that worked out just fine. So I know Alec will be the same way..

But that boy has gotten to me. I wanna do everything from make love to pay bills together. Damn, I'm slick gone, yall! But not too much. I'm still ME. I still DO me. And if he is making me out to be a fool then God help us all because I aint havin' it!

Aight. I can't believe I just did this shit but I did. We'll see how this goes. Peace!

~*Pie*