The Nightmare That Plague Me

**This is an old post that I thought I had lost. Turns out it was saved as a draft. Yay:) **


This morning, as I attempted to sleep in the wee hours, I experienced disturbing nightmares. I was truly exhausted; my sleep was deep. And because it was, I could not shake myself from what my subconscious mind was telling me was real. I felt this dream. I felt myself desperately wanting to wake up. The mental anguish was there, and yet, I stayed asleep.

I dreamed about losing my teeth. It was graphic, exaggerated, and nonetheless felt very real. My teeth crumbled, fell out, bleed, and frothed and foamed as the exposed marrow could be seen. And as frightening as losing one's teeth in a dream is, it is not new. It is quite average, actually. And seeing as how I am interested in dreams and their interpretations, I had to blog about this particularly gruesome experience. I hardly dream, or shall I say remember my dreams, so when I do, and when they are this vivid and disturbing, I know they are trying to tell me something and cannot, must not, be ignored. It is said that God speaks, but twice in a dream. He has something to tell me.
This is what I found online.

"The next time you dream about losing teeth, before trying to figure out what it means, ask yourself how the dream made you feel. Oftentimes, it is not the dream of the teeth falling out that creates the disturbance to the psyche but the feelings that accompany the dream. There is often a feeling of helplessness, of powerlessness--the teeth are coming out and there is nothing the dreamer can do to stop the process. Sometimes teeth fall out, sometimes they are simply missing, sometimes they crumble away. Whichever way they make their exit, the dreamer is left with not only a gap in her smile, but a hole in her heart when she awakens.

If feelings of loss of control, helplessness or powerlessness accompany your tooth loss dream, the dream is typically acting as a mirror of a situation in waking life. Dreams of tooth loss coupled with anxiety reflect a fear of change, fear of transition. Ask yourself if there is some transition that you are fearful of making.

Sometimes tooth loss dreams point to a fear of failure or embarrassment. In waking life, when people lose teeth, they often cover their mouths when talking or smiling. Is there something you want to do but are afraid of undertaking because you fear you'll look foolish if you fail? Or is there something going on in your waking life that you feel you must hide or 'cover up'?"

After all I have been through these past several days, I just blocked everything out. I didn't really bother with dealing with what had happened to me. I just went with it. And now my mind, my God, is trying to tell me that I need to sit down and process what has happened to me. Often times I just push bad things to the back of my head and don't focus on them. It's too painful. And now even when I sleep I am plagued by negativity.

Truthfully, I am afraid. I have a bold, new life ahead of me that I cannot really process because I don't know how to process it. I don't know what to expect when I get to boot camp. This is an entirely new life that I have only dreamed and watched movies about. I always wanted this, but was a bit afraid. And now I have it. It is rushing towards me and I am excited and secretly freaking out. And every time we as human beings are faced with the unknown, we are afraid of it. I am no different. And, even deeper down in me, I am afraid of failure. I will lose everything and have nothing to come home to if I fail. My Life has cleaned itself out, so I have to rebuild a new one with the Navy. But perhaps because my Life has cleaned itself out, this is God's way of telling me that I will be and already am victorious in my endeavours. I pray so! So I must pass these tests I have set before myself. I will face this head on. My future is dependent upon it.

Something else I found on the net said this:
"Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation?"

I can definitely attest to feeling powerless and not having control. I was powerless with every negative thing that has happened to me in the past few days. I couldn't do anything but just "go with it." Which is why I am having these nightmares now. Because I have not fully thought my life out. I have not completely thought about where I am and where I am going. I don't want to. Because this sucks. But, apparently, I must. And so I shall.

Later.

~Sailor Taylor

Closer to My Dreams

I haven't written lately because I have been experiencing some financial issues, changes in lifestyle, and my job(s) status. And when I am down in any kind of way, I often don't feel the urge or want to blog or brag about myself. I feel like crap, to be honest. Here I am "grown" and having trouble with getting back on my feet and staying there. It's a damn shame that should not be.

But with so much on my mind and me plotting and planning my next moves and steps so I can simply survive, my dreams have been in over drive. So much occurs in them that I can't keep track of everything. But I was able to remember a few key elements that spoke volumes when interpreted.

I Googled "Rivers" and "Hair", preferably "Combing My Hair", the only things I remembered from my dreams. It sounds crazy now, but what I found pretty much hit my subconscious spot..

"River- A sign to go with the flow, if you are not sure what to do. Or perhaps an indication that you might have to leave something behind if you are going to cross to the other side, hence changing your attitude to an emotional situation."
I remember looking down at dark, but clear, flowing river water. The sun was shining on it bright and harsh, as if it was a cold winter morning. And with what I was going through, I had no choice but to "go with the flow." Obviously I couldn't fight the fact I lost my night job or fight the fact I was struggling with my rent. I just had to go with my reality and make plans from there. I had to leave behind the lifestyle I was used to living and even a few material things to adjust to this "dark," meager period in my life. And that's what I did. Its not easy, but I am making it and realizing what is truly important and actual necessities.

The second dream I remember somewhat vividly involved me holding a comb that was full of my hair. I had combed my hair and it was full of shedded strains. I didn't think anything of it because even though I have a shaved head, I am growing my hair out 1 inch so I can get some microbraids. But it was A LOT of hair in the comb. But, anyway, I'm thinking that me being so consumed and impatient with my hair growth was the reason for my vane dream. But it did stick out/ I remembered it for a reason. So I thought it wouldn't hurt to google dreams about combs and hair..
"Dreaming that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair, suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance..

Hair symbolizes thoughts. Refer to specific hair types, conditions, and colors for specific interpretations. When people dream of hair, it's usually the hair on their head. The obvious meaning is grooming and appearance, but on a deeper level, it signifies thought and the conscious mind... OK, hair comes out of your head. Hair grows out of your head so it symbolizes something important that comes out of or from our head. That thing is IDEAS. Ideas, thoughts and the thinking process. Hair most commonly symbolizes ideas - your ideas..

Comb: If you dream of a comb with all of its teeth it means that difficult business matters must be resolved soon..  

Combing Your Own Hair:  You must take immediate action to resolve a current problem."

Yep, that all sounded correct lol. Even though my dream may have involved my vanity to a certain extent, there was a deeper meaning. I had so much on my mind. So many thoughts running through my head.. I had major issues that needed to be resolved that dealt with how I was going to get my next meal, where I was going to get gas money from, and what was I going to do with my financial and job situations..

All that was running though my head and my dreams reflected that. Crazy...

This entry is long enough, but what I mean to say is that Dreams mean something. They mean a lot. I'm always looking for a sign or trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me and dreams are a sure fire way of figuring things out. My sister has crazy, foretelling dreams too. But she's just more in tune with readin people. Moreso than I am. But maybe Dreams runs in our family on our Mother's side..
And there were even dream interpreters in the Bible, so it's okay to wonder and seek guidance from our subconscious minds. Of course, my dreams don't foretell the future, but one day they might. And one day yours might:)

Pay attention to what your dreams are trying to tell you. Get a lil "closer to your dreams" for a better understanding:) Knowledge is power.

~*Pie*

Musings on Marriage

If I am SuperGirl, well on my way to becoming SuperWoman, then marriage and children are surely my Kryptonite.

Some women only want to fall in love, marry, have children and live happily ever after. And then there are some who are more career-minded, but somehow still want what their feminine, maternal instincts beckon.

I want none of that. My flesh crawls and curtles at the very notion of anything that is traditionally dictated by my gender. I simply want to be a successful Sailor. And, with God's Blessing upon my life, I have sowed the first seeds for that to occur. And that is what I wake up to every morning and cuddle with every night.

The notion that I could fall in love, get married, lose my ambitions and become a lowly wife, submitting to a man, "the man of the house", scares the living shit out of me. I don't want that! Not now. Not for another 8 years or so.

I think it is perfectly fine to not have a "family" until I am in my 30s. I just don't like the on going trend of getting married and poppin' out kids by the age of 21. Who does that anyway??

Wait, you know who does that? Military couples. And that has got to be the most unwise thing I have ever witnessed. Yes, I know service people get lonely and want someone to come back home to. That is all fine, dandy and human. But to actually go out and marry someone you barely know?? Or, hell, know very well! Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes you want to fuck. Plain and simple. The divorce rate is, what, 50%?? And people want to add to that, ignorantly thinking "oh, we'll be different!" God, bless your poor souls. I thought the same way once.

And then, as I was browsing blogs, I found one from a young military wife that stated "they say this is, after all, the hardest job to have." The "hardest job" being that of a civilian who is married to a military service person, or a military wife, plain and fuckin simple.

But I mean really? REALLY?? Really now? You have it so damn hard because you CHOSE to marry someone who will not be there over half of the time? All you do is sit there and be lonely and bitch and moan and then hit up Craigslist for someone to "hold you over" while your spouse, the one with the REAL hard job, goes out there and risks it all. All YOU did was fall in love and wait, not fight for this country.

Okay, sorry to ramble like that. Whew! Lol. But my point is that marriage, children, family, all of that, is just not appealing to me. Not in the least bit. Not at all. I run from it like vampires run from the sun. Just no. Hell no. I don't know what causes me to have such an irrational, unbridled hatred for such an institution as marriage, but that is how I feel. Maybe it's the fact I know what my expected "role" will be as a woman. Maybe it's because I don't want to settle and be chained down. And maybe it's because I am mature enough to know I don't want to be a wife and would therefore make a horrible mother and spouse.

But I see how people's lives have been drastically altered because they "fell in love." And if love does that, then I don't want it. And as of now, God has not presented me with love outside of Ladarrius, which was a necessary evil to get my life in the Navy direction. God knows that love would distract me and take me off my path. I'm meant for Greatness. And what would the point of meeting "The One" right now if I am not ready, anyway? I would fuck up a good thing.

So, no I don't want any of that. And I don't want my spouse to cheat on me while I'm away, which happens PLENTY of times with military couples. Nothing about marriage is attractive to me. It's almost hard to articulate how I feel but I guess I have done a good enough job for now:) Hopefully yall get my meaning??

~*Pie*