And So The Loneliness Sets In

I have exactly 3 months today until I ship out to boot camp (August 17th, a Tuesday) and here I am craving the one thing I just cannot have: Companionship.

I tried for so long to stay busy and fight off the feelings that festered deep inside me and yet, nonetheless, they still arose. I want someone. Someone to Love.

Yes, that dreaded "L" word.

Like Whitney said, "I wanna feel The Heat." But I cannot. For from where would this "Heat" come? What good would come of such a thing? I am still young and I imagine so would he, whomever this "he" would be. And a long distance relationship simply would not work. Not unless God called for it to be, and I don't think He would. He knows what is best, even if my heart does not.

But I want someone! I want what I have not had since before my ex left Memphis for the Navy and forever changed..
And that was three years ago, which may as well have been a lifetime ago. Or never occurred at all. It feels as thought it was but a short lived dream.

I've had minuscule, insignificant "relationships" since then but none like what he and I had. And I want that again. But better. I do not want that heartache again. I want Truth, which is what I fancied I had with him but in fact did not..

You know, there IS someone I have had my temporary sights set on even though we do clash at times(he's a know-it-all Virgo), but I don't want to hurt him by leaving him 3 months from now. Even he said he wanted to ask me out until I opened my mouth about joining the Navy. He said he doesn't do long distance relationships and I don't blame him. I imagine he cannot do much more after his own failed relationship. And we wouldn't stand the test of time, anyway...

*Sigh.*

I try to look for a guy to fill this void and all I find are losers, weirdos, and stalkers with rejection issues. No one worth my time or Me.
So, here I am, alone, feeling cold and with a trembling heart that just can't be sated.


Lord, help me. Show me the meaning of being lonely. Show me why you have allowed me to feel this way. Show me what to do because these feelings are certainly counterproductive.

Help me, please.

~Sailor Taylor