The Bullshit of This Natural Hair "Movement"

This crap makes my ass itch to the highest degree. I want to speak on it, but it would take forever. So I will try to touch on my main idea about what I think about this and move the hell on..

I started growing my hair out in order to go natural around late 2004 when I was a senior in high school. I loved the way natural hair looked. I loved the raw, unique fierceness of it. And, at the same time, I grew tired of wearing weave and perming and coloring my hair in attempts to look a certain way that was never meant for me or Black people. I tried to adhere to a Eurocentric standard of beauty that was getting crazy and was completely unrealistic. True, when I wore my perms and weave (that I glued in myself and ended up ripping my damn air out), I made that shit look good. I'm not sure where I got the money for my weave from, but I always got the $8 plastic, Beverly Johnson crap that somehow managed to blend awesome with my own hair. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I had people FOOLED into thinking that hair was really mine, $8 or not.

But the downfall came when I took that shit out. I would feel different because I was different. My confidence was gone. My feeling of being beautiful was gone. I was a regular Black girl with thin, short, unhealthy permed hair. I was like everyone else. And the worst part was the boys stopped looking at me the same, if they looked at me at all. They ignored me..
It's amazing how much hair adds to a woman's "beauty", so to speak.
I was so afraid that if I met someone looking one way, all glamourous with my long weave, they would not like me if I looked differently afterwards. And to this day, I still have that fear.

I want to represent my true self when people see me. And my natural hair is that.

So I went natural with the intent to get closer to myself, to love myself, to have my own, true high self esteem sans enhancement.. Like weave.

So I learned the hard way about my hair, a few products, styles and things like that. I drew confidence from within and what God granted me with and I became a stronger woman because of that. It's an amazing way to grow and mature. At least it was for me. I didn't have a real support group, just a friend here or there who may have been natural. But that was IT. It was a personal thing.
I didn't have the internet or a smart phone(or a cell phone at all!), or even money for that matter. Hell, youtube wasn't even around yet. I sneeked and looked up natural hair when I was in my graphic design class in high school. I looked at pictures and other than that, I had nothing!

But NOW, hunty?

Now natural hair is a damn movement with blogs and youtube and facebook and twitter and hair types and product reviews and rules and shit to make my hair grow (they still on this white girl, long hair shit) and "protective styling" and "good" shit and "bad" shit to use for your hair. Women get into discussions and arguements about hair and buy any and everything that promises curl definition..

And WHAT the hell is going on with all this damn curl definition?? I never gave two shits about curl definition! And NOW it is all the rage. Girl, if your hair is kinky, WHY are you trying to get hair like a bi-racial person? When I was learning my hair, I didn't CARE about curls. I didn't have anyone to look at or COMPARE myself to, so I did not look into hair gels or getting my shit to curl like some freeze curls in the beauty salon and shit like that..

See, this is the damn problem. People get too tied up into others and forget about themselves.
Let SistaGurl do her, and you do YOU. I did ME. And I still am.
This is where all this drama and hair typing shit comes into play.

I never knew my "type" and I still don't pay attention to that crap.

WHY? How will it help me?

Sweety, when you come from the time of "The Dark Ages", before this movement crap, you don't know what you are missing.

I just think the purity of natural hair has been lost.
We need to return to that.

Now, I do look at hair blogs, but I do it out of entertainment. It's fun. It's a hobby of mine. And that's it.
And if I do look at someone's natural hair blog, I make sure they have hair that mimics mine so I will not have "hair envy".
Which is stupid as all damn hell.
What the hell is the point of going natural if I am going to be jealous of someone's damn hair? Doesn't that just defeat the whole damn point? Isn't being natural about loving yourself and working what you got? This shit reminds me of young girls in the ghetto wanting long, yellow hair like Disney princesses. That is hair envy. It's like some Bluest Eye, self-hating type crap for me. Like that stand-up Whoopy did about putting a towel on her head when she was younger.
Craziness.

But why use gel to change your texture, or even worry about your texture, or worry about getting long hair, or retainging length, and titling shit like "protective styling"?

Just wear your hair the way you want and do you!


Anyway, my rant is over. But this IS some mad bullshit, yo. And I think it needs to stop. Anytime too many people jump on a damn bandwagon, shit pops off.
I don't need any support and I enjoy doing my own thing. Always have
I wish others were the same, because the drama and "rules" of being natural looks like a damn voguing competition between drag queens. I understand some do need support, but support is different compared to THIS.

It's a damn shame.

~Ash

My Baby is Here!!

And by "My Baby", I mean my laptop.
Yay!

It is a 17.3 inch Gateway laptop that I paid $571 for and got from Amazon. It came over night.
Amazing, right?

But I put it on my credit card that I will have paid off in 6 payments (5 $100 payments and one $71 payment.. roughly).

I wanted to use it SO BAD last night, but the damn wi-fi network was not working for me so I will have to use it tonight...After studyhall:(

But at least I got it!

And I am being more careful/ "mature" with my expenses and bills as far as keeping better track of things and paying them off.

So I am happy. I cannot spend like crazy, like before, but I will benefit from this in the future.

Yay:)

My Very First Laptop!

This past Saturday, a friend and I went to the NEX on the Naval Postgraduate School base; and while she shopped for uniform items, I saw something that made my heart stop..

Laptops. Tax free laptops.
No shipping costs either.

Y'all, I don't have a computer. I am actually typing this post from my Droid Thunderbolt phone, and the majority of my posts on this blog are from my sister's computer. It is a pain in the ass, for real. But the idea of FINALLY having my OWN laptop simply makes me giddy:-D

I am horrible with saving money, but I do need to get with the times, so a laptop is where it's at for me..

Not to mention I have my bachelor's in graphic design AND I DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER.
A damn shame, I know:(

But in order to get what I must have and what is so close, yet so far, I applied for a credit card through my credit union.
It will be here in about 7 days.
And the line of credit I have on that thing, compared to the lil $200 limit I had on my Macy's card at the age of 20, ain NO joke.
This could easily be the smartest or stupidest thing I have ever done. And hopefully getting this card proves I am a genius.

The 17 inch Toshiba I want is $799 and has a dvd player with a built in camera and other features, of course. I ran it by my sister, and she said everything about it sounded good, and I intend on adding more things to it as I go along, like a media/graphics card thingy and Adobe Suite, to name a few.
I see no reason why this laptop shouldn't last me 3 years, at least, you know?

And as for the credit card, I plan on using it for this laptop and buying my plane tickets home. Once I pay those things off, I will use it once a month for dinner or something, just to use it and not have it laying around, because you HAVE to use a credit card if you have one. And then I will immediately pay it off. Sounds good to you??

My sister says I should not buy anything I cannot play off in no more than two pay periods. And my long-distance-boo says I should use it for emergencies only. Sounds about right.

Lord, help me to be wise about this..

I figure I should have my first laptop ever in about a week and a half.
I am SO excited:)

-Ash

If Not Me.. Then Someone Else

I probably shouldn't post this. I shouldn't post about my deviant behaviors. But they do exist inside me. And this is an account of such thing.

I know a guy here. Who supposedly has a fiancee that he "loves", and an apparent healthy sex life as well.

And I fucked him.
A few times, actually.

He was 22 at the time, and had not had sex in over 6 months because his "baby" managed to get herself deported months before he left for boot camp and currently still cannot reenter the US. She is in Jamaica and he is supposed to marry her to get her back in the States and bring her out here to Cali while he trains.

If you say so, guy.

But I say all that to say this:
I don't feel the least bit of remorse for anything that he and I did. We are two consenting adults that used condoms and I my birth control.

I simply told him that I was horny and he asked if I needed help.
It took off from there.

So he can love his fiancee, or whatever the hell she is, all he fucking wants but that does not excuse the fact I was there to solve his lil "issue." And he solved mine.
Honestly, when I get horny, things get ugly. So I really wasn't giving out any fucks at the time he and I consummated our.. Whatever.

But if it was so easy with me, and this is the point of this post, then it could have easily been someone else. I believe it was pre-meditated.
It had to be!
I think we both knew what was up at the end of that night we were hanging out. Neither of us are stupid or naive.
I just did the inevitable. And if some fucking was going to be had, of course I wanted it to be had with ME.
Apparently the same went for him.
But I did not hold a gun to his head or get him drunk or drug him. And since he was not married, in the eyes of God and the Navy, we did not commit adultery.
We did, however, fornicate. Something that is the same sin he commits with his girlfriend.. Who is not his wife, after all.

I'm a single woman.
I had needs.
I was guided by my flesh.
And I used the freedom given to me to act a damn fool behind closed doors..

If it means anything, this young man has now worked my last nerve and I hardly talk to him..
All in the span of about a week:)

But if I feel that urge..
He lives in my building;)

~Ash

Musings: My Nose Ring

A couple of weeks ago, on a sunny, long four day weekend, I walked to a nearby Walgreens to buy a six-pack and a bottle opener (Gotta have the necessities!).
At the check-out counter, an Indian woman was ringing up my items, not really paying attention to me; and I wasn't really paying attention to her either. But when she looked up at me, she did a bit of a double-take. She pointed at her own nose ring and said with a Punjabi accent, "You look pretty now!"
I was shocked at her comment, as I wasn't expecting that, but genuinely smiled and said "Thank you!"
My day was a lil brighter because of this stranger's kind words..

Years ago, when I started thinking about getting a nose ring as a college freshman, I looked up the significance of the nose ring in Indian culture, as I knew they were prominent with Indian women.
I read that not only were nose rings considered a thing of beauty, but they were placed in the left nostril as a means of good luck for easy child birth.

Now, I don't know about the child birth part, and I will not be finding out the truth behind this superstition any time soon, but it was nice to have something as simple as my nose ring recognized by a woman from the culture known for having them. And the culture I researched before getting it done. I wanted to make sure I was getting it placed on the correct side, with meaning, as opposed to just getting a hole punched into my face in any random place.

Anywho, this incident just crossed my mind as I sat here studying and I wanted to share it. I really don't have any words to further describe why this thing left a mental mark on me, but it did..

Get into different cultures. Being able to understand and identify with others who you thought were strangers beforehand is really quite satisfying and thought provoking.

We are all different, yet all the same, really.

~Ash

The Promised Land

Can I just say that even though I am ALL KINDS of stressed out about these last five weeks of training, I am SO happy to finally be getting out of this place? Every time I think about the Prize that is Augusta, GA, I get excited and teary eyed and smile to myself. I feel like shoutin', y'all!

It seems like a far away reality that is bound to happen and I thank God that it will. These last five weeks will go by SO fast and all I can do in the meantime is study and get ready for all that God has promised me. This four day weekend coming up will be perfect for that:)

And then I can get the HELL out of here..

Man. I know when I get my final scores I will cry from Joy because failure is not an option and I have wanted this, and stressed this, and worked HARD for this. God let me know long ago that even though this shit is rough and I am not my happinest at all while here, I am MEANT to be here. I just gotta meet Him half way, have faith the size of a mustard seed, and He will do the rest.

Yeah!

~Ash

Relations and Lack There of

As you can probably tell, I am still single.
And have been for going on two years now. My last love was when I was 21. I'll be 25 in a few months.

Dating just isn't possible for me here in Monterey. The male populous consists of boy-children that I find horribly unattractive and immature. How a good number of people here manage to find a spouse is beyond me. I hardly see anyone worth giving my number to, let alone spending my life with.
But I know loneliness has a lot to do with everything.
I get lonely too.

But I have resolved that God does not want me to get attached because he knows how I get: a hopeless romantic wreck that pays attention to nothing else but her mate.
So I stay single and study. So far that's working for me, but my nights get lonely and my bed cold.

Honestly, the infidelity that runs ramped in the military from all levels is amazing and disgusting. It has put the fear of marriage in my heart..
Well, truthfully speaking, it was there beforehand lol. But the military just reaffirms it. I would love a lasting relationship, but I just don't see it.

When I first got here, I was desperate for a relationship. And then I settled for a butt buddy. And when that didn't even happen, I suppressed urges for human interaction with movies, food, alcohol, and friends.
But that only lasts for so long..
Okay, not saying that I haven't gotten laid since I have been here, but I am saying that sex only goes so far when you want more. It's a temporary thing, ya dig??

Anyway, the good thing about my next command is I will be out of training status, back down South, and a petty officer. Meaning I can date all the Black sergeants and other NCOs I want.. Within reason, of course:)

But I look forward to and seek companionship. The infidelity I will deal with should the occasion arise.. And I pray it does not.

But I do have someone from before kinda waiting on me down South. He represented a turning point in my life and I thought I loved him, but he fucked that up. So while I do still care about him, it is not the same. But I cannot help but look forward to seeing him again. It's motivation to get the hell out of here and to him.. Or anyone, really.

I've had my fill of Monterey and I just want to be happy again. Love is the missing piece.

-Ash

Trying to Deal

Apparently, I am stressed.
And I didn't know this until I had to run from class the other day in order to burst into tears in the restroom as opposed to in class, in front of my comrades and sergeants.

I ended up talking with my Petty Officer about handling stress while class was going on and I wiped the tears from my red face.

I didn't even know I was under pressure. I didn't even know I was about to crack.
I have a high tolerance for pain, and apparently that pain is mental as well.

School, the Navy, PT, graduation in less than 7 weeks, and the big ass test I have to take BEFORE I graduate that will determine my future that I know I am not ready for, is all weighing down on me..

Times like now I wish I stayed an oblivious civilian.
But I thought I wanted this so bad.
Christ. What the hell was I thinking?

In less than a year, I have become fluent in Persian Farsi via being force fed the language, WHILE carrying out the duties of the Navy without the immediate and tangible support of my family and friends or an intimate relationship.
And besides that, I have been in the Navy for a little over a year. I left for boot camp August 17th of 2010. It is now September 2011.

I am tired. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Fed up..
And I haven't even entered my contracted four years yet because I am still in training.
I got over four years of this shit left, man.

What did I get myself into?
Why was a so certain I wanted this life?
The grass ain always greener, y'all.

Lord.
Pray for me, for I feel I am whoring myself out for a cause I am not certain about what the Navy has to offer just yet.

I tell myself that I will make my final decision about the Navy when I finish A School, but as of right now, this shit sucks.
I am unhappy. I am not myself. I am not a civilian. I am Seaman Taylor, property of the US Navy.

~Ash

I Promise I'm Coming Back..

Wow!
Where the hell have I been, right??

Sorry:(

Life and laziness kinda took off..

But I will return! I need a means of bitchin'. And this life requires Bitchin'!

I'm under a shit ton of stress right now, and I think this will help. Otherwise.. Well.. I don't know.

Pray for me, y'all!

I'll be back.

~Ash