This crap makes my ass itch to the highest degree. I want to speak on it, but it would take forever. So I will try to touch on my main idea about what I think about this and move the hell on..
I started growing my hair out in order to go natural around late 2004 when I was a senior in high school. I loved the way natural hair looked. I loved the raw, unique fierceness of it. And, at the same time, I grew tired of wearing weave and perming and coloring my hair in attempts to look a certain way that was never meant for me or Black people. I tried to adhere to a Eurocentric standard of beauty that was getting crazy and was completely unrealistic. True, when I wore my perms and weave (that I glued in myself and ended up ripping my damn air out), I made that shit look good. I'm not sure where I got the money for my weave from, but I always got the $8 plastic, Beverly Johnson crap that somehow managed to blend awesome with my own hair. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I had people FOOLED into thinking that hair was really mine, $8 or not.
But the downfall came when I took that shit out. I would feel different because I was different. My confidence was gone. My feeling of being beautiful was gone. I was a regular Black girl with thin, short, unhealthy permed hair. I was like everyone else. And the worst part was the boys stopped looking at me the same, if they looked at me at all. They ignored me..
It's amazing how much hair adds to a woman's "beauty", so to speak.
I was so afraid that if I met someone looking one way, all glamourous with my long weave, they would not like me if I looked differently afterwards. And to this day, I still have that fear.
I want to represent my true self when people see me. And my natural hair is that.
So I went natural with the intent to get closer to myself, to love myself, to have my own, true high self esteem sans enhancement.. Like weave.
So I learned the hard way about my hair, a few products, styles and things like that. I drew confidence from within and what God granted me with and I became a stronger woman because of that. It's an amazing way to grow and mature. At least it was for me. I didn't have a real support group, just a friend here or there who may have been natural. But that was IT. It was a personal thing.
I didn't have the internet or a smart phone(or a cell phone at all!), or even money for that matter. Hell, youtube wasn't even around yet. I sneeked and looked up natural hair when I was in my graphic design class in high school. I looked at pictures and other than that, I had nothing!
But NOW, hunty?
Now natural hair is a damn movement with blogs and youtube and facebook and twitter and hair types and product reviews and rules and shit to make my hair grow (they still on this white girl, long hair shit) and "protective styling" and "good" shit and "bad" shit to use for your hair. Women get into discussions and arguements about hair and buy any and everything that promises curl definition..
And WHAT the hell is going on with all this damn curl definition?? I never gave two shits about curl definition! And NOW it is all the rage. Girl, if your hair is kinky, WHY are you trying to get hair like a bi-racial person? When I was learning my hair, I didn't CARE about curls. I didn't have anyone to look at or COMPARE myself to, so I did not look into hair gels or getting my shit to curl like some freeze curls in the beauty salon and shit like that..
See, this is the damn problem. People get too tied up into others and forget about themselves.
Let SistaGurl do her, and you do YOU. I did ME. And I still am.
This is where all this drama and hair typing shit comes into play.
I never knew my "type" and I still don't pay attention to that crap.
WHY? How will it help me?
Sweety, when you come from the time of "The Dark Ages", before this movement crap, you don't know what you are missing.
I just think the purity of natural hair has been lost.
We need to return to that.
Now, I do look at hair blogs, but I do it out of entertainment. It's fun. It's a hobby of mine. And that's it.
And if I do look at someone's natural hair blog, I make sure they have hair that mimics mine so I will not have "hair envy".
Which is stupid as all damn hell.
What the hell is the point of going natural if I am going to be jealous of someone's damn hair? Doesn't that just defeat the whole damn point? Isn't being natural about loving yourself and working what you got? This shit reminds me of young girls in the ghetto wanting long, yellow hair like Disney princesses. That is hair envy. It's like some Bluest Eye, self-hating type crap for me. Like that stand-up Whoopy did about putting a towel on her head when she was younger.
Craziness.
But why use gel to change your texture, or even worry about your texture, or worry about getting long hair, or retainging length, and titling shit like "protective styling"?
Just wear your hair the way you want and do you!
Anyway, my rant is over. But this IS some mad bullshit, yo. And I think it needs to stop. Anytime too many people jump on a damn bandwagon, shit pops off.
I don't need any support and I enjoy doing my own thing. Always have
I wish others were the same, because the drama and "rules" of being natural looks like a damn voguing competition between drag queens. I understand some do need support, but support is different compared to THIS.
It's a damn shame.
~Ash
Monday, November 7, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
My Baby is Here!!
And by "My Baby", I mean my laptop.
Yay!
It is a 17.3 inch Gateway laptop that I paid $571 for and got from Amazon. It came over night.
Amazing, right?
But I put it on my credit card that I will have paid off in 6 payments (5 $100 payments and one $71 payment.. roughly).
I wanted to use it SO BAD last night, but the damn wi-fi network was not working for me so I will have to use it tonight...After studyhall:(
But at least I got it!
And I am being more careful/ "mature" with my expenses and bills as far as keeping better track of things and paying them off.
So I am happy. I cannot spend like crazy, like before, but I will benefit from this in the future.
Yay:)
Yay!
It is a 17.3 inch Gateway laptop that I paid $571 for and got from Amazon. It came over night.
Amazing, right?
But I put it on my credit card that I will have paid off in 6 payments (5 $100 payments and one $71 payment.. roughly).
I wanted to use it SO BAD last night, but the damn wi-fi network was not working for me so I will have to use it tonight...After studyhall:(
But at least I got it!
And I am being more careful/ "mature" with my expenses and bills as far as keeping better track of things and paying them off.
So I am happy. I cannot spend like crazy, like before, but I will benefit from this in the future.
Yay:)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
My Very First Laptop!
This past Saturday, a friend and I went to the NEX on the Naval Postgraduate School base; and while she shopped for uniform items, I saw something that made my heart stop..
Laptops. Tax free laptops.
No shipping costs either.
Y'all, I don't have a computer. I am actually typing this post from my Droid Thunderbolt phone, and the majority of my posts on this blog are from my sister's computer. It is a pain in the ass, for real. But the idea of FINALLY having my OWN laptop simply makes me giddy:-D
I am horrible with saving money, but I do need to get with the times, so a laptop is where it's at for me..
Not to mention I have my bachelor's in graphic design AND I DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER.
A damn shame, I know:(
But in order to get what I must have and what is so close, yet so far, I applied for a credit card through my credit union.
It will be here in about 7 days.
And the line of credit I have on that thing, compared to the lil $200 limit I had on my Macy's card at the age of 20, ain NO joke.
This could easily be the smartest or stupidest thing I have ever done. And hopefully getting this card proves I am a genius.
The 17 inch Toshiba I want is $799 and has a dvd player with a built in camera and other features, of course. I ran it by my sister, and she said everything about it sounded good, and I intend on adding more things to it as I go along, like a media/graphics card thingy and Adobe Suite, to name a few.
I see no reason why this laptop shouldn't last me 3 years, at least, you know?
And as for the credit card, I plan on using it for this laptop and buying my plane tickets home. Once I pay those things off, I will use it once a month for dinner or something, just to use it and not have it laying around, because you HAVE to use a credit card if you have one. And then I will immediately pay it off. Sounds good to you??
My sister says I should not buy anything I cannot play off in no more than two pay periods. And my long-distance-boo says I should use it for emergencies only. Sounds about right.
Lord, help me to be wise about this..
I figure I should have my first laptop ever in about a week and a half.
I am SO excited:)
-Ash
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
If Not Me.. Then Someone Else
I probably shouldn't post this. I shouldn't post about my deviant behaviors. But they do exist inside me. And this is an account of such thing.
I know a guy here. Who supposedly has a fiancee that he "loves", and an apparent healthy sex life as well.
And I fucked him.
A few times, actually.
He was 22 at the time, and had not had sex in over 6 months because his "baby" managed to get herself deported months before he left for boot camp and currently still cannot reenter the US. She is in Jamaica and he is supposed to marry her to get her back in the States and bring her out here to Cali while he trains.
If you say so, guy.
But I say all that to say this:
I don't feel the least bit of remorse for anything that he and I did. We are two consenting adults that used condoms and I my birth control.
I simply told him that I was horny and he asked if I needed help.
It took off from there.
So he can love his fiancee, or whatever the hell she is, all he fucking wants but that does not excuse the fact I was there to solve his lil "issue." And he solved mine.
Honestly, when I get horny, things get ugly. So I really wasn't giving out any fucks at the time he and I consummated our.. Whatever.
But if it was so easy with me, and this is the point of this post, then it could have easily been someone else. I believe it was pre-meditated.
It had to be!
I think we both knew what was up at the end of that night we were hanging out. Neither of us are stupid or naive.
I just did the inevitable. And if some fucking was going to be had, of course I wanted it to be had with ME.
Apparently the same went for him.
But I did not hold a gun to his head or get him drunk or drug him. And since he was not married, in the eyes of God and the Navy, we did not commit adultery.
We did, however, fornicate. Something that is the same sin he commits with his girlfriend.. Who is not his wife, after all.
I'm a single woman.
I had needs.
I was guided by my flesh.
And I used the freedom given to me to act a damn fool behind closed doors..
If it means anything, this young man has now worked my last nerve and I hardly talk to him..
All in the span of about a week:)
But if I feel that urge..
He lives in my building;)
~Ash
I know a guy here. Who supposedly has a fiancee that he "loves", and an apparent healthy sex life as well.
And I fucked him.
A few times, actually.
He was 22 at the time, and had not had sex in over 6 months because his "baby" managed to get herself deported months before he left for boot camp and currently still cannot reenter the US. She is in Jamaica and he is supposed to marry her to get her back in the States and bring her out here to Cali while he trains.
If you say so, guy.
But I say all that to say this:
I don't feel the least bit of remorse for anything that he and I did. We are two consenting adults that used condoms and I my birth control.
I simply told him that I was horny and he asked if I needed help.
It took off from there.
So he can love his fiancee, or whatever the hell she is, all he fucking wants but that does not excuse the fact I was there to solve his lil "issue." And he solved mine.
Honestly, when I get horny, things get ugly. So I really wasn't giving out any fucks at the time he and I consummated our.. Whatever.
But if it was so easy with me, and this is the point of this post, then it could have easily been someone else. I believe it was pre-meditated.
It had to be!
I think we both knew what was up at the end of that night we were hanging out. Neither of us are stupid or naive.
I just did the inevitable. And if some fucking was going to be had, of course I wanted it to be had with ME.
Apparently the same went for him.
But I did not hold a gun to his head or get him drunk or drug him. And since he was not married, in the eyes of God and the Navy, we did not commit adultery.
We did, however, fornicate. Something that is the same sin he commits with his girlfriend.. Who is not his wife, after all.
I'm a single woman.
I had needs.
I was guided by my flesh.
And I used the freedom given to me to act a damn fool behind closed doors..
If it means anything, this young man has now worked my last nerve and I hardly talk to him..
All in the span of about a week:)
But if I feel that urge..
He lives in my building;)
~Ash
Monday, October 10, 2011
Musings: My Nose Ring
A couple of weeks ago, on a sunny, long four day weekend, I walked to a nearby Walgreens to buy a six-pack and a bottle opener (Gotta have the necessities!).
At the check-out counter, an Indian woman was ringing up my items, not really paying attention to me; and I wasn't really paying attention to her either. But when she looked up at me, she did a bit of a double-take. She pointed at her own nose ring and said with a Punjabi accent, "You look pretty now!"
I was shocked at her comment, as I wasn't expecting that, but genuinely smiled and said "Thank you!"
My day was a lil brighter because of this stranger's kind words..
Years ago, when I started thinking about getting a nose ring as a college freshman, I looked up the significance of the nose ring in Indian culture, as I knew they were prominent with Indian women.
I read that not only were nose rings considered a thing of beauty, but they were placed in the left nostril as a means of good luck for easy child birth.
Now, I don't know about the child birth part, and I will not be finding out the truth behind this superstition any time soon, but it was nice to have something as simple as my nose ring recognized by a woman from the culture known for having them. And the culture I researched before getting it done. I wanted to make sure I was getting it placed on the correct side, with meaning, as opposed to just getting a hole punched into my face in any random place.
Anywho, this incident just crossed my mind as I sat here studying and I wanted to share it. I really don't have any words to further describe why this thing left a mental mark on me, but it did..
Get into different cultures. Being able to understand and identify with others who you thought were strangers beforehand is really quite satisfying and thought provoking.
We are all different, yet all the same, really.
~Ash
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The Promised Land
Can I just say that even though I am ALL KINDS of stressed out about these last five weeks of training, I am SO happy to finally be getting out of this place? Every time I think about the Prize that is Augusta, GA, I get excited and teary eyed and smile to myself. I feel like shoutin', y'all!
It seems like a far away reality that is bound to happen and I thank God that it will. These last five weeks will go by SO fast and all I can do in the meantime is study and get ready for all that God has promised me. This four day weekend coming up will be perfect for that:)
And then I can get the HELL out of here..
Man. I know when I get my final scores I will cry from Joy because failure is not an option and I have wanted this, and stressed this, and worked HARD for this. God let me know long ago that even though this shit is rough and I am not my happinest at all while here, I am MEANT to be here. I just gotta meet Him half way, have faith the size of a mustard seed, and He will do the rest.
Yeah!
~Ash
It seems like a far away reality that is bound to happen and I thank God that it will. These last five weeks will go by SO fast and all I can do in the meantime is study and get ready for all that God has promised me. This four day weekend coming up will be perfect for that:)
And then I can get the HELL out of here..
Man. I know when I get my final scores I will cry from Joy because failure is not an option and I have wanted this, and stressed this, and worked HARD for this. God let me know long ago that even though this shit is rough and I am not my happinest at all while here, I am MEANT to be here. I just gotta meet Him half way, have faith the size of a mustard seed, and He will do the rest.
Yeah!
~Ash
Monday, October 3, 2011
Relations and Lack There of
As you can probably tell, I am still single.
And have been for going on two years now. My last love was when I was 21. I'll be 25 in a few months.
Dating just isn't possible for me here in Monterey. The male populous consists of boy-children that I find horribly unattractive and immature. How a good number of people here manage to find a spouse is beyond me. I hardly see anyone worth giving my number to, let alone spending my life with.
But I know loneliness has a lot to do with everything.
I get lonely too.
But I have resolved that God does not want me to get attached because he knows how I get: a hopeless romantic wreck that pays attention to nothing else but her mate.
So I stay single and study. So far that's working for me, but my nights get lonely and my bed cold.
Honestly, the infidelity that runs ramped in the military from all levels is amazing and disgusting. It has put the fear of marriage in my heart..
Well, truthfully speaking, it was there beforehand lol. But the military just reaffirms it. I would love a lasting relationship, but I just don't see it.
When I first got here, I was desperate for a relationship. And then I settled for a butt buddy. And when that didn't even happen, I suppressed urges for human interaction with movies, food, alcohol, and friends.
But that only lasts for so long..
Okay, not saying that I haven't gotten laid since I have been here, but I am saying that sex only goes so far when you want more. It's a temporary thing, ya dig??
Anyway, the good thing about my next command is I will be out of training status, back down South, and a petty officer. Meaning I can date all the Black sergeants and other NCOs I want.. Within reason, of course:)
But I look forward to and seek companionship. The infidelity I will deal with should the occasion arise.. And I pray it does not.
But I do have someone from before kinda waiting on me down South. He represented a turning point in my life and I thought I loved him, but he fucked that up. So while I do still care about him, it is not the same. But I cannot help but look forward to seeing him again. It's motivation to get the hell out of here and to him.. Or anyone, really.
I've had my fill of Monterey and I just want to be happy again. Love is the missing piece.
-Ash
And have been for going on two years now. My last love was when I was 21. I'll be 25 in a few months.
Dating just isn't possible for me here in Monterey. The male populous consists of boy-children that I find horribly unattractive and immature. How a good number of people here manage to find a spouse is beyond me. I hardly see anyone worth giving my number to, let alone spending my life with.
But I know loneliness has a lot to do with everything.
I get lonely too.
But I have resolved that God does not want me to get attached because he knows how I get: a hopeless romantic wreck that pays attention to nothing else but her mate.
So I stay single and study. So far that's working for me, but my nights get lonely and my bed cold.
Honestly, the infidelity that runs ramped in the military from all levels is amazing and disgusting. It has put the fear of marriage in my heart..
Well, truthfully speaking, it was there beforehand lol. But the military just reaffirms it. I would love a lasting relationship, but I just don't see it.
When I first got here, I was desperate for a relationship. And then I settled for a butt buddy. And when that didn't even happen, I suppressed urges for human interaction with movies, food, alcohol, and friends.
But that only lasts for so long..
Okay, not saying that I haven't gotten laid since I have been here, but I am saying that sex only goes so far when you want more. It's a temporary thing, ya dig??
Anyway, the good thing about my next command is I will be out of training status, back down South, and a petty officer. Meaning I can date all the Black sergeants and other NCOs I want.. Within reason, of course:)
But I look forward to and seek companionship. The infidelity I will deal with should the occasion arise.. And I pray it does not.
But I do have someone from before kinda waiting on me down South. He represented a turning point in my life and I thought I loved him, but he fucked that up. So while I do still care about him, it is not the same. But I cannot help but look forward to seeing him again. It's motivation to get the hell out of here and to him.. Or anyone, really.
I've had my fill of Monterey and I just want to be happy again. Love is the missing piece.
-Ash
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Trying to Deal
Apparently, I am stressed.
And I didn't know this until I had to run from class the other day in order to burst into tears in the restroom as opposed to in class, in front of my comrades and sergeants.
I ended up talking with my Petty Officer about handling stress while class was going on and I wiped the tears from my red face.
I didn't even know I was under pressure. I didn't even know I was about to crack.
I have a high tolerance for pain, and apparently that pain is mental as well.
School, the Navy, PT, graduation in less than 7 weeks, and the big ass test I have to take BEFORE I graduate that will determine my future that I know I am not ready for, is all weighing down on me..
Times like now I wish I stayed an oblivious civilian.
But I thought I wanted this so bad.
Christ. What the hell was I thinking?
In less than a year, I have become fluent in Persian Farsi via being force fed the language, WHILE carrying out the duties of the Navy without the immediate and tangible support of my family and friends or an intimate relationship.
And besides that, I have been in the Navy for a little over a year. I left for boot camp August 17th of 2010. It is now September 2011.
I am tired. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Fed up..
And I haven't even entered my contracted four years yet because I am still in training.
I got over four years of this shit left, man.
What did I get myself into?
Why was a so certain I wanted this life?
The grass ain always greener, y'all.
Lord.
Pray for me, for I feel I am whoring myself out for a cause I am not certain about what the Navy has to offer just yet.
I tell myself that I will make my final decision about the Navy when I finish A School, but as of right now, this shit sucks.
I am unhappy. I am not myself. I am not a civilian. I am Seaman Taylor, property of the US Navy.
~Ash
I Promise I'm Coming Back..
Wow!
Where the hell have I been, right??
Sorry:(
Life and laziness kinda took off..
But I will return! I need a means of bitchin'. And this life requires Bitchin'!
I'm under a shit ton of stress right now, and I think this will help. Otherwise.. Well.. I don't know.
Pray for me, y'all!
I'll be back.
~Ash
Where the hell have I been, right??
Sorry:(
Life and laziness kinda took off..
But I will return! I need a means of bitchin'. And this life requires Bitchin'!
I'm under a shit ton of stress right now, and I think this will help. Otherwise.. Well.. I don't know.
Pray for me, y'all!
I'll be back.
~Ash
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Classing Up
Today started the first day of Persian-Farsi classes for myself and a good number of others in other branches across the base.
Really, it was just an indoctrination of sorts. We never stepped foot in a class. Nor do we know how our class will be broken up (we have 6 students per teacher per learning group).
But I will say that while others are nervous and worrying about how hard the class will be, I am pretty damn excited. I welcome the challenge. Hell, this is what I signed up for!
Maybe it's my ignorance, but I don't fear the unknown. And I don't know how hard or easy this course will be for me. So why bitch and moan about it? And even if it is hard, all I have to do is study, get a tutor, and submerge myself in the language(I love Persian radio!!).
But I did not freak out or stress out in bootcamp, and I'll be damned if I do it here! Stressing screws me up, so I ain doin it. I perform well under pressure and stay calm at all times.
I'm just cool like that, yo!
And can I get say that I am *extremely* annoyed by those who worry?? I literally cannot stand that shit. What good is worrying going to do? Is it going to get you to your goal any quicker, or will your fears cause you to fuck up faster?? Ugh. Just shut up with the worrying and nervous shit. I hate it.
Needless to say, I stay away from people who worry. I just can't do it. I have no patience for it whatsoever and I will NOT be having their nervous shit rub off on me. And in order for me NOT to go off on my shipmates or classmates who so freak out, I quietly excuse myself before I blow up at them.
Not everyone feels the same as I do or is as cool I am, so I try to respect that. But don't you dare bring me down!
But I think my advantage over lot of people will be the fact I am SO damn single. It sucks, but while everyone is out and about being distracted my their sig others or devoting time to someone else or crying over the breakups that are sure to come or getting married and divorced 6 months later, I will be focused on homework and studying.
Yes, I see myself being quite lonely, but very successful. Kinda like Oprah, if you will lol.
They tell us all the time that we are here to learn a language and to do well within our respected branches. Everything and everyone else is irrelevant, and I think I got that part down lol. I wanna be the one everyone runs to for help because I got my shit down (for some reason I feel I will be really smart and good in class!! Ignorance?? Maybe. But fuck it:))
Persian is my boyfriend now. I'm focusing on him so the REAL men out there won't tear us apart (not like they're knocking at my door anyway!).
This has got to be one of the few times that being single trumps being attached.
They can have that shit. I pretty much only wanted sex anyway>;)
But now not even that will distract me:(
And at least while everyone is out and about spending money and going off base, I will be here hittin the books..
Which will really work out because Cali is expensive! I HATE spending money and being broke. I got bills, damnit! Ugh. I need to save more. It's like before you know it all my lil money is gone:( It shouldn't be this way.
So at least class will help me out with distracting me in a good way. I won't have to spend any money:)
Okay! This is it for now. Gonna go listen to some Persian radio and surf the net.
Toodles!
-Sailor Taylor
Really, it was just an indoctrination of sorts. We never stepped foot in a class. Nor do we know how our class will be broken up (we have 6 students per teacher per learning group).
But I will say that while others are nervous and worrying about how hard the class will be, I am pretty damn excited. I welcome the challenge. Hell, this is what I signed up for!
Maybe it's my ignorance, but I don't fear the unknown. And I don't know how hard or easy this course will be for me. So why bitch and moan about it? And even if it is hard, all I have to do is study, get a tutor, and submerge myself in the language(I love Persian radio!!).
But I did not freak out or stress out in bootcamp, and I'll be damned if I do it here! Stressing screws me up, so I ain doin it. I perform well under pressure and stay calm at all times.
I'm just cool like that, yo!
And can I get say that I am *extremely* annoyed by those who worry?? I literally cannot stand that shit. What good is worrying going to do? Is it going to get you to your goal any quicker, or will your fears cause you to fuck up faster?? Ugh. Just shut up with the worrying and nervous shit. I hate it.
Needless to say, I stay away from people who worry. I just can't do it. I have no patience for it whatsoever and I will NOT be having their nervous shit rub off on me. And in order for me NOT to go off on my shipmates or classmates who so freak out, I quietly excuse myself before I blow up at them.
Not everyone feels the same as I do or is as cool I am, so I try to respect that. But don't you dare bring me down!
But I think my advantage over lot of people will be the fact I am SO damn single. It sucks, but while everyone is out and about being distracted my their sig others or devoting time to someone else or crying over the breakups that are sure to come or getting married and divorced 6 months later, I will be focused on homework and studying.
Yes, I see myself being quite lonely, but very successful. Kinda like Oprah, if you will lol.
They tell us all the time that we are here to learn a language and to do well within our respected branches. Everything and everyone else is irrelevant, and I think I got that part down lol. I wanna be the one everyone runs to for help because I got my shit down (for some reason I feel I will be really smart and good in class!! Ignorance?? Maybe. But fuck it:))
Persian is my boyfriend now. I'm focusing on him so the REAL men out there won't tear us apart (not like they're knocking at my door anyway!).
This has got to be one of the few times that being single trumps being attached.
They can have that shit. I pretty much only wanted sex anyway>;)
But now not even that will distract me:(
And at least while everyone is out and about spending money and going off base, I will be here hittin the books..
Which will really work out because Cali is expensive! I HATE spending money and being broke. I got bills, damnit! Ugh. I need to save more. It's like before you know it all my lil money is gone:( It shouldn't be this way.
So at least class will help me out with distracting me in a good way. I won't have to spend any money:)
Okay! This is it for now. Gonna go listen to some Persian radio and surf the net.
Toodles!
-Sailor Taylor
Monday, November 15, 2010
You Are Cordially Invited..
To read my damn blog!
Don't y'all feel special??
Due to the certain someone I mentioned in my last blog getting "upset" about her lil appearance, my shit is now private. Now, I love sharing my lil life with the world, but I'm not about to feel self conscious about what I write.
So I'll just have to invite who I want to read my words. And that blows, but it's what I have to do..
But really the entire situation is retarded because if ANYONE should be upset with what happened it should be ME. And I am.
Think about it: Here is this catty female who is from the same town as I, but the other side of the proverbial tracks. No one here at this base in our small group knows about Memphis or the neighborhoods within it. But she "randomly" starts talking about the "trashy" neighborhoods of Memphis and specifically and ONLY names my own, Orange Mound. But then she goes OUT of her way to say that I am from the aforementioned "trashy" neighborhood..
WHY do that? No one here knows anything about Memphis! No one here has a problem with me. At least I thought they didn't. And I didn't think I had issue with this superficial female. But I do now! Had a friend not told me, I never would have known the shit that came out of that heffa's mouth! I never would have seen her for the true piece of crap she is..
But, oh, shit does travel!
I mean, that was some fowl, low-down, dirty shit to pull. That hurt. She doesn't know me! She doesn't know my story or what the hell I been through or what I am capable of or my family or the sacrifices made..
All she knows is Class.
And, yes, I am from the Hood. But I am a thousand times more real that she will EVER be. Ever.
But, anyway, she apparently read my blog about her when it was public and got mad at me for calling her out.
Ha!
I have free speech on this matter and why be mad?? She did it!
Don't be ashamed now.
But since then she has been trying to get in my good graces. She just can't keep her damn mouth shut. That's what got her on my shit list on the first place.
But now she tries to compliment me and stand up for me at bars. Like I need her.
Ugh. Just... stop.
But, long story short, that is why my blog is now private. Nosey evil-doers lol.
Anywho, this blog will go on regardless. This is just a lil update:)
-Sailor Taylor
Don't y'all feel special??
Due to the certain someone I mentioned in my last blog getting "upset" about her lil appearance, my shit is now private. Now, I love sharing my lil life with the world, but I'm not about to feel self conscious about what I write.
So I'll just have to invite who I want to read my words. And that blows, but it's what I have to do..
But really the entire situation is retarded because if ANYONE should be upset with what happened it should be ME. And I am.
Think about it: Here is this catty female who is from the same town as I, but the other side of the proverbial tracks. No one here at this base in our small group knows about Memphis or the neighborhoods within it. But she "randomly" starts talking about the "trashy" neighborhoods of Memphis and specifically and ONLY names my own, Orange Mound. But then she goes OUT of her way to say that I am from the aforementioned "trashy" neighborhood..
WHY do that? No one here knows anything about Memphis! No one here has a problem with me. At least I thought they didn't. And I didn't think I had issue with this superficial female. But I do now! Had a friend not told me, I never would have known the shit that came out of that heffa's mouth! I never would have seen her for the true piece of crap she is..
But, oh, shit does travel!
I mean, that was some fowl, low-down, dirty shit to pull. That hurt. She doesn't know me! She doesn't know my story or what the hell I been through or what I am capable of or my family or the sacrifices made..
All she knows is Class.
And, yes, I am from the Hood. But I am a thousand times more real that she will EVER be. Ever.
But, anyway, she apparently read my blog about her when it was public and got mad at me for calling her out.
Ha!
I have free speech on this matter and why be mad?? She did it!
Don't be ashamed now.
But since then she has been trying to get in my good graces. She just can't keep her damn mouth shut. That's what got her on my shit list on the first place.
But now she tries to compliment me and stand up for me at bars. Like I need her.
Ugh. Just... stop.
But, long story short, that is why my blog is now private. Nosey evil-doers lol.
Anywho, this blog will go on regardless. This is just a lil update:)
-Sailor Taylor
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Am A United States Sailor..
Well, hello there, My Online Stalkers! Long time no hear from, right??
Sorry for the delay. I actually graduated bootcamp on October 8th, 2010 and left RTC for Monterey, CA on October 13th.
My, what a completely SHITTY time it was. I mean I absolutely HATED bootcamp. I was soooo depressed. I felt ugly, hated, unloved, alienated, and every other negative feeling there is. Hardly anyone would write me! Lazy asses. Letters are what keep us going in bootcamp!
Ugh. I don't like thinking about bootcamp at all. I feel like I whored myself out and was redeemed and am now in the process of healing myself from my hellish past. Yes, it was that BAD. And, really, my issue was the fuckheads I was in the division with. Bootcamp itself was not that horrible. But the people there can SUCK IT.
Ugh.. As I continue on with my blog posts and am able to come to terms with all that is Recruit Training Command, I will gladly share stories of my misadventures in bootcamp.. If I can stomach it.
BUT now here I am in sunny California!!
Not.
Child, Monterey is cold, honey! Apparently, I did not do my research full out. Apparently, my country ass thought Cali would be paved in gold and love, and it is NOT.
Some days it looks like London here because it gets so damn foggy and gloomy. But no. I am simply on the other side of the damn country, far away from my home and family and I miss them.
Lord, I never thought I would miss my family or shitty ass Memphis as much as I do now.
It's hard out here for a Black Woman! And a Southern one at that. Someone who is very sensitive to racial relations. The ignorance of some of these people amazes me. It's not quite racism because some of these fuckheads, I can tell, genuinely think they have to use stereotypes to relate to me. Like, why do you feel the need to bring up grape kool-aid, fried chicken, watermelon, fingersnaps, and neck rolls to relate to me?? Yes, child!
And I am so lonely here. African Americans are few and far between here. Who can I relate to? Who will take me seriously and who will I not have to worry about racial ignorance or comments around?
The Defense Language Institute at the Presidio of Monterey is an Army base and all the branches of the military are here because this is THE place to go to learn a foreign language (I can tell you this because it's readily available on the internet and the websitie for the DLI). The other branches have more African Americans in them than the Navy does, but people are so clicky here. It's hard including oneself into another pre-determined group. But sometimes I want to because I miss my People! I am coming from a town that is rough and about 90% Black to here: a place where alot of people think it is okay to reference kool-aid and watermelon to me.
Every time I see a Black person, I want to run to them with arms wide open saying "Another Black person! Let us be friends!!"
Lol. Sad, but true.
Sidenote: Do you know one of these females here called my neighborhood, and therefore me, trash?! Honey, let's not forget this trash has hood-breed survival skills her bougie ass will never have. And this trash has a four year college degree! Don't forget that!
Anywho! I see myself staying mad focused for the year that I am here learning Persian-Farsi, the language of Iran (yep!). Work seems to be the thing that will hold me over until I leave this place.
I'll be damned if I don't get straight A's up in this piece!
But, yeah, back to me being lonely..
I am! Hell, bootcamp was so hard on me mentally. I got to wishing and thinking that maybe I should have gotten an honorary/temporary boyfriend to hold me over until I graduated so I could dump him afterwards! LMAO! But I'm for real, yal. It was tough on me.
I need healing of all kinds in this mug!
And do you know where is NO place for me to get my hair braided?! I have to go to the NEXT town over to find a decent hair braider! And I had to order the braiding hair from online because they don't carry the kind I need here! Thank God for Craigsllist and the internet. That's all I gotta say on that shit.
Okay, my random ass ramblings are over with for now. Sorry for the long ass delay. But can you tell this was therapudic for me?? It was.
More later!
Love,
Sailor Taylor
Sorry for the delay. I actually graduated bootcamp on October 8th, 2010 and left RTC for Monterey, CA on October 13th.
My, what a completely SHITTY time it was. I mean I absolutely HATED bootcamp. I was soooo depressed. I felt ugly, hated, unloved, alienated, and every other negative feeling there is. Hardly anyone would write me! Lazy asses. Letters are what keep us going in bootcamp!
Ugh. I don't like thinking about bootcamp at all. I feel like I whored myself out and was redeemed and am now in the process of healing myself from my hellish past. Yes, it was that BAD. And, really, my issue was the fuckheads I was in the division with. Bootcamp itself was not that horrible. But the people there can SUCK IT.
Ugh.. As I continue on with my blog posts and am able to come to terms with all that is Recruit Training Command, I will gladly share stories of my misadventures in bootcamp.. If I can stomach it.
BUT now here I am in sunny California!!
Not.
Child, Monterey is cold, honey! Apparently, I did not do my research full out. Apparently, my country ass thought Cali would be paved in gold and love, and it is NOT.
Some days it looks like London here because it gets so damn foggy and gloomy. But no. I am simply on the other side of the damn country, far away from my home and family and I miss them.
Lord, I never thought I would miss my family or shitty ass Memphis as much as I do now.
It's hard out here for a Black Woman! And a Southern one at that. Someone who is very sensitive to racial relations. The ignorance of some of these people amazes me. It's not quite racism because some of these fuckheads, I can tell, genuinely think they have to use stereotypes to relate to me. Like, why do you feel the need to bring up grape kool-aid, fried chicken, watermelon, fingersnaps, and neck rolls to relate to me?? Yes, child!
And I am so lonely here. African Americans are few and far between here. Who can I relate to? Who will take me seriously and who will I not have to worry about racial ignorance or comments around?
The Defense Language Institute at the Presidio of Monterey is an Army base and all the branches of the military are here because this is THE place to go to learn a foreign language (I can tell you this because it's readily available on the internet and the websitie for the DLI). The other branches have more African Americans in them than the Navy does, but people are so clicky here. It's hard including oneself into another pre-determined group. But sometimes I want to because I miss my People! I am coming from a town that is rough and about 90% Black to here: a place where alot of people think it is okay to reference kool-aid and watermelon to me.
Every time I see a Black person, I want to run to them with arms wide open saying "Another Black person! Let us be friends!!"
Lol. Sad, but true.
Sidenote: Do you know one of these females here called my neighborhood, and therefore me, trash?! Honey, let's not forget this trash has hood-breed survival skills her bougie ass will never have. And this trash has a four year college degree! Don't forget that!
Anywho! I see myself staying mad focused for the year that I am here learning Persian-Farsi, the language of Iran (yep!). Work seems to be the thing that will hold me over until I leave this place.
I'll be damned if I don't get straight A's up in this piece!
But, yeah, back to me being lonely..
I am! Hell, bootcamp was so hard on me mentally. I got to wishing and thinking that maybe I should have gotten an honorary/temporary boyfriend to hold me over until I graduated so I could dump him afterwards! LMAO! But I'm for real, yal. It was tough on me.
I need healing of all kinds in this mug!
And do you know where is NO place for me to get my hair braided?! I have to go to the NEXT town over to find a decent hair braider! And I had to order the braiding hair from online because they don't carry the kind I need here! Thank God for Craigsllist and the internet. That's all I gotta say on that shit.
Okay, my random ass ramblings are over with for now. Sorry for the long ass delay. But can you tell this was therapudic for me?? It was.
More later!
Love,
Sailor Taylor
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Bootcamp Bound!
Okay so this was my status from Facebook not too long ago and this does a good job of summing things up:
"Well, my body fat *just* made it at 32%. I still think that woman measured me too low. But oh well! I biometrically signed my final contract with my fingerprint, was discharged from the DEP program and officially sworn into the United States Navy. Headed to the airport now! There are 5 of us going to RTC:) Hooyah!"
Yep! Lol.
We got to the airport at about 12:30pm and don't leave until 6:25pm so we are just hanging out now. It's me and 4 others and one of the shipper's family. They all have bags and I feel quite empty handed because all I have is my purse. The clothes I wore to the hotel I threw out because my family wasn't around to see me get sworn in (or for me to give my clothes to) or go to the airport. And I wasn't about to pay to get that stuff shipped back home, and pay by the pound, on my dime. Hell no lol.
But on the bus ride to the airport I made my final calls to my sister, Dad, and left a message for my Mom and Grandmom. Dad seemed to be really excited for me and proud. And, oddly enough, that made me proud. This time when he said I love you, I said it back. He is an ass and he is my Dad and I love him. It's what God would have me to do. I told him I will write him and I will.
My recruiter showed up at the last minute as I was boarding the bus to leave MEPS to shake my hand and see me off. I told him I would write him. He was excited I was excited to have actually passed the weight test. But I'm sure he was happy I passed the weight test because that meant he wouldn't get into trouble. Eh. Whatever lol. Can't blame the man for wanting to stay out of the Captain's Mass (or is it Mast??) on my behalf.
And now I am excited. I am apprehensive and wondering what I got myself into but driven and determined. The only thing that was freaking me out was my weight. And now that I have gotten that out of the way, I feel like I am actually doing this. This is real for me now. It's sad to say that is how much this weight thing was affecting me: that going to bootcamp almost did not feel real.
And, really, that damn woman still measured me down too low on my hips and at my damn thighs almost, but I made it. Even though my paper work said I gained two pounds since I was initially sworn in, I still made it. Now I feel better and confident that RTC will follow the same suit and have me at the same lower body fat with one percent to spare as well...
On another note, I got up at 4:15am, showered, and did my hair and make-up. Yes, I want to be "pretty" when I get to bootcamp:) I didn't get much sleep at all because I "slept" with that damn stomach wrap on, but I cut it off at 3am to actually get some sleep. And I did. Only to wake up an hour and 15 minutes later. Eh. Oh well. But at least my waist did measure at 29 inches instead of 30:)
I got along much better with the other shippers today as well. I guess because we are all excited and ready as we will ever be. There were A LOT of us too. Like 20 of us, the most shippers I have ever seen at MEPS. And a good number of them were going to the Air Force.
Oh and get this. The Air Force shippers had to bring toiletries and 3 changes of clothes because they don't get their uniforms until Sunday. HA! How idiotic is THAT???..
But enough of that! I just wanted to give you all a mini update on me and mine and what I am experiencing at this very moment. I am happy. I am nervous. I am officially in the United States Navy. And I have already passed and graduated from bootcamp. Yes, I just spoke things that be not as though they were. I spoke my future into being. Beat THAT, negativity! Lol..
Well, I have had my Starbucks and have a meal check that I will be using at the Chicago O'Hare airport with the other Navy shippers once we touch down tonight before we get to RTC. It's an hour drive to the actual bootcamp sight. We have long hours ahead of us. I hear we won't sleep for the first 48 hours. Oh yay:)
That's all for now! Pray for me. Send me Positive thoughts. And for those who sent me their addresses, you will be hearing from me in the coming weeks!
I'll see you all in 2 months and 1 week.
Hooyah!
~Sailor Taylor
"Well, my body fat *just* made it at 32%. I still think that woman measured me too low. But oh well! I biometrically signed my final contract with my fingerprint, was discharged from the DEP program and officially sworn into the United States Navy. Headed to the airport now! There are 5 of us going to RTC:) Hooyah!"
Yep! Lol.
We got to the airport at about 12:30pm and don't leave until 6:25pm so we are just hanging out now. It's me and 4 others and one of the shipper's family. They all have bags and I feel quite empty handed because all I have is my purse. The clothes I wore to the hotel I threw out because my family wasn't around to see me get sworn in (or for me to give my clothes to) or go to the airport. And I wasn't about to pay to get that stuff shipped back home, and pay by the pound, on my dime. Hell no lol.
But on the bus ride to the airport I made my final calls to my sister, Dad, and left a message for my Mom and Grandmom. Dad seemed to be really excited for me and proud. And, oddly enough, that made me proud. This time when he said I love you, I said it back. He is an ass and he is my Dad and I love him. It's what God would have me to do. I told him I will write him and I will.
My recruiter showed up at the last minute as I was boarding the bus to leave MEPS to shake my hand and see me off. I told him I would write him. He was excited I was excited to have actually passed the weight test. But I'm sure he was happy I passed the weight test because that meant he wouldn't get into trouble. Eh. Whatever lol. Can't blame the man for wanting to stay out of the Captain's Mass (or is it Mast??) on my behalf.
And now I am excited. I am apprehensive and wondering what I got myself into but driven and determined. The only thing that was freaking me out was my weight. And now that I have gotten that out of the way, I feel like I am actually doing this. This is real for me now. It's sad to say that is how much this weight thing was affecting me: that going to bootcamp almost did not feel real.
And, really, that damn woman still measured me down too low on my hips and at my damn thighs almost, but I made it. Even though my paper work said I gained two pounds since I was initially sworn in, I still made it. Now I feel better and confident that RTC will follow the same suit and have me at the same lower body fat with one percent to spare as well...
On another note, I got up at 4:15am, showered, and did my hair and make-up. Yes, I want to be "pretty" when I get to bootcamp:) I didn't get much sleep at all because I "slept" with that damn stomach wrap on, but I cut it off at 3am to actually get some sleep. And I did. Only to wake up an hour and 15 minutes later. Eh. Oh well. But at least my waist did measure at 29 inches instead of 30:)
I got along much better with the other shippers today as well. I guess because we are all excited and ready as we will ever be. There were A LOT of us too. Like 20 of us, the most shippers I have ever seen at MEPS. And a good number of them were going to the Air Force.
Oh and get this. The Air Force shippers had to bring toiletries and 3 changes of clothes because they don't get their uniforms until Sunday. HA! How idiotic is THAT???..
But enough of that! I just wanted to give you all a mini update on me and mine and what I am experiencing at this very moment. I am happy. I am nervous. I am officially in the United States Navy. And I have already passed and graduated from bootcamp. Yes, I just spoke things that be not as though they were. I spoke my future into being. Beat THAT, negativity! Lol..
Well, I have had my Starbucks and have a meal check that I will be using at the Chicago O'Hare airport with the other Navy shippers once we touch down tonight before we get to RTC. It's an hour drive to the actual bootcamp sight. We have long hours ahead of us. I hear we won't sleep for the first 48 hours. Oh yay:)
That's all for now! Pray for me. Send me Positive thoughts. And for those who sent me their addresses, you will be hearing from me in the coming weeks!
I'll see you all in 2 months and 1 week.
Hooyah!
~Sailor Taylor
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Radisson
Okay, so I started typing this earlier and it got erased:( So this will be a much shorter version. Sorry:(
I am at the Radisson hotel the night before I go to MEPS. I'm in the room solo. I don't think I have a roommate and I am fine with that. This is just me being antisocial lol.
But I got here last because my sister brought me as opposed to my recruiter; and after I ate a dinner of lean pork loin, corn, and "red" kool-aid alone (because, once again, I got here last and was the last to eat. Oh well), I tried to fellowship with my fellow shippers. But they are all about 17 or 18 and gave me hella cold shoulder. They did not make me feel welcomed at all. So I retreated to my room ASAP.
And the room is actually nice. They have Sleep Number beds:) But the tv is hella old and has basic cable with the exception of a random HBO channel. But it is all free:) And you can't beat free!
I'm also pretty uncomfortable because my recruiter did show up to wrap me in Preparation H, Saran Wrap, and duck tape:( He did it tight, but it's only about as tight as I wrap it, actually. So it's not too bad, but I can't get comfortable:( And this crap is rolling up on me and itches yet again. Ugh! But this is all for a good cause. I MUST go to bootcamp! And I will. Tomorrow:)
So far my waist does seem to be about half an inch smaller and that is awesome:) Now if I can get this down to a full inch we are all set!
When I stepped foot out the car and said my goodbyes, I was so nervous. My heart was jumping, my stomach was fluttering. That's part of the reason why I didn't eat much for dinner. But whatever. I will miss my sister and my family and my 5 year old nephew almost made me start balling right then and there. He's so sweet. I love them so:)
But, um, I guess this is all for now. Our curfew is at 10pm when we have to be in our rooms. And who knows? Maybe I will have a roommate by then? Ugh. I hope not lol. And then I have to get up at like 4something and get dressed, eat, and then head to MEPS. It will be a long and tiring day. But I welcome it.
More later...Maybe:)
~Sailor Taylor
I am at the Radisson hotel the night before I go to MEPS. I'm in the room solo. I don't think I have a roommate and I am fine with that. This is just me being antisocial lol.
But I got here last because my sister brought me as opposed to my recruiter; and after I ate a dinner of lean pork loin, corn, and "red" kool-aid alone (because, once again, I got here last and was the last to eat. Oh well), I tried to fellowship with my fellow shippers. But they are all about 17 or 18 and gave me hella cold shoulder. They did not make me feel welcomed at all. So I retreated to my room ASAP.
And the room is actually nice. They have Sleep Number beds:) But the tv is hella old and has basic cable with the exception of a random HBO channel. But it is all free:) And you can't beat free!
I'm also pretty uncomfortable because my recruiter did show up to wrap me in Preparation H, Saran Wrap, and duck tape:( He did it tight, but it's only about as tight as I wrap it, actually. So it's not too bad, but I can't get comfortable:( And this crap is rolling up on me and itches yet again. Ugh! But this is all for a good cause. I MUST go to bootcamp! And I will. Tomorrow:)
So far my waist does seem to be about half an inch smaller and that is awesome:) Now if I can get this down to a full inch we are all set!
When I stepped foot out the car and said my goodbyes, I was so nervous. My heart was jumping, my stomach was fluttering. That's part of the reason why I didn't eat much for dinner. But whatever. I will miss my sister and my family and my 5 year old nephew almost made me start balling right then and there. He's so sweet. I love them so:)
But, um, I guess this is all for now. Our curfew is at 10pm when we have to be in our rooms. And who knows? Maybe I will have a roommate by then? Ugh. I hope not lol. And then I have to get up at like 4something and get dressed, eat, and then head to MEPS. It will be a long and tiring day. But I welcome it.
More later...Maybe:)
~Sailor Taylor
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Dinner
Yesterday evening at 5pm (or shall I say 17:00? lol) I had my going away dinner. I was a bit apprehensive about having it because I didn't think anyone would show, but a few people did:) It was myself, my sister, two female college friends from my graphic design days, a male college friend, my cousin, my aunt, and a friend of mine who is a former Marine.. He's so FINE! Okay, had to get that out my system, lol..
But it was a good time. Once everyone got over the "I don't know anyone here" jitters, they all meshed very well. And, really, I don't hang out with people who are not open-minded or cool enough to get along with everybody. And if you can get along with me and end up being my friend, you can get along with anybody. Because I can be one tough cookie to befriend! Lol. I'm working on that:)
And, food wise, I did good at the dinner for the most part. I had a lean pork chop (still sticking to my Atkins regime) about 2 and a half hours before we left for the restaurant. So when we actually got there I was still pretty full and watched everyone else order and eat.
Really, my cycle always curbs my appetite. I don't know why, but during that time I hardly get hungry. I end up making myself eat because I know I should, not because I necessarily feel the need to..
Anyway! Back to the dinner:
While everyone ate and drank, I only drank. And boy did we drink! We ended up having 4 pitchers of lime margaritas on the rocks. And my two male friends took care of the charges for them:) I wasn't even expecting that. Hell, I wasn't even thinking about how they would be paid for! I didn't even know we got 4! I was so out of it drinking and trying to talk to everyone (and the conversations that took place were the best! My peeps are hilarious lol). All I know is that every time I looked, there was a full pitcher in front of me lol. And I got good and drunk. Whew! But thankfully I did not have a hangover this morning.
And I did end up eating this fried cinnamon and sugar cheesecake burrito thingy. It was called a chimmi cheese I think and they are always wonderful:) I Normally don't have them when I go to this restaurant, but that night I treated myself. So I ended up having dessert and liquor. And I got paid for by my friends. Yay:) But I did chip in on the tip. I have no idea what my friends left the waiter, but I gave him a $20. It was the least I could do.
My aunt, who has always been so supportive of me joining the military, left out first with my cousin. But before she left, she handed me a card with $20 in it. She's always so good with giving the appropriate card at the appropriate time, lol. The card itself read "..It's been a long climb.. And you deserve a mountain of praise!! Congrats!" And inside she wrote "Ashley, Congratulations on your inception into the military. Take God with you every step of the way and you will do well. Love ya much! Auntie Debra and Grant (my cousin)"
I love them so:)
Soon (after about 2 hours), it was time for us all to leave. I hugged everyone twice and we slowly went to our cars. I almost cried. This is what I will miss about Memphis. Good times, good fellowship, and the few true friends I do have. *Sigh*
Now I am waiting on my food to digest so I may go running since I was too busy putting my things into storage yesterday to do so. I cheated and for breakfast I had strawberries, sausage, and my sister's homemade French toast. It was AMAZINGLY good. But it was carbs:( But I figure this is my last home cooked breakfast, so why not? Normally, I wouldn't eat her cooking because it's not what's best for me and my diet, but this time I obliged myself:)
Oh, and get this. When I woke up this morning, my stomach was smaller and flatter than normal. It was a full inch tighter. After all that eating and drinking I did last night, my stomach wants to shrink?? Irony! Lol. Maybe it was the alcohol that dehydrated me? Who know! Who cares! Just as long as I keep this trend up when I go to MEPS and RTC. That would be love:)
So... That's about it for this entry. I'll have a little more to tell a little later on. And then I will disappear for about 9 weeks:)
~Sailor Taylor
P.S. My recruiter said he would come over my house tomorrow evening before I go to the hotel and wrap me up in Saran wrap and duck tape himself because he said I wasn't wrapping myself tight enough...
Um...
I hope this is just another lie he is telling me. Because that man is buff as hell and strong and I do not want him wrapping me. He may force my liver up into my throat:(
I mean, I will have to see him because he's going to bring me the packet I need to go to MEPS and then boot camp, but hopefully he will be in such a hurry to get to his night job that he won't do it.. Hopefully. *Fingers crossed!*
But it was a good time. Once everyone got over the "I don't know anyone here" jitters, they all meshed very well. And, really, I don't hang out with people who are not open-minded or cool enough to get along with everybody. And if you can get along with me and end up being my friend, you can get along with anybody. Because I can be one tough cookie to befriend! Lol. I'm working on that:)
And, food wise, I did good at the dinner for the most part. I had a lean pork chop (still sticking to my Atkins regime) about 2 and a half hours before we left for the restaurant. So when we actually got there I was still pretty full and watched everyone else order and eat.
Really, my cycle always curbs my appetite. I don't know why, but during that time I hardly get hungry. I end up making myself eat because I know I should, not because I necessarily feel the need to..
Anyway! Back to the dinner:
While everyone ate and drank, I only drank. And boy did we drink! We ended up having 4 pitchers of lime margaritas on the rocks. And my two male friends took care of the charges for them:) I wasn't even expecting that. Hell, I wasn't even thinking about how they would be paid for! I didn't even know we got 4! I was so out of it drinking and trying to talk to everyone (and the conversations that took place were the best! My peeps are hilarious lol). All I know is that every time I looked, there was a full pitcher in front of me lol. And I got good and drunk. Whew! But thankfully I did not have a hangover this morning.
And I did end up eating this fried cinnamon and sugar cheesecake burrito thingy. It was called a chimmi cheese I think and they are always wonderful:) I Normally don't have them when I go to this restaurant, but that night I treated myself. So I ended up having dessert and liquor. And I got paid for by my friends. Yay:) But I did chip in on the tip. I have no idea what my friends left the waiter, but I gave him a $20. It was the least I could do.
My aunt, who has always been so supportive of me joining the military, left out first with my cousin. But before she left, she handed me a card with $20 in it. She's always so good with giving the appropriate card at the appropriate time, lol. The card itself read "..It's been a long climb.. And you deserve a mountain of praise!! Congrats!" And inside she wrote "Ashley, Congratulations on your inception into the military. Take God with you every step of the way and you will do well. Love ya much! Auntie Debra and Grant (my cousin)"
I love them so:)
Soon (after about 2 hours), it was time for us all to leave. I hugged everyone twice and we slowly went to our cars. I almost cried. This is what I will miss about Memphis. Good times, good fellowship, and the few true friends I do have. *Sigh*
Now I am waiting on my food to digest so I may go running since I was too busy putting my things into storage yesterday to do so. I cheated and for breakfast I had strawberries, sausage, and my sister's homemade French toast. It was AMAZINGLY good. But it was carbs:( But I figure this is my last home cooked breakfast, so why not? Normally, I wouldn't eat her cooking because it's not what's best for me and my diet, but this time I obliged myself:)
Oh, and get this. When I woke up this morning, my stomach was smaller and flatter than normal. It was a full inch tighter. After all that eating and drinking I did last night, my stomach wants to shrink?? Irony! Lol. Maybe it was the alcohol that dehydrated me? Who know! Who cares! Just as long as I keep this trend up when I go to MEPS and RTC. That would be love:)
So... That's about it for this entry. I'll have a little more to tell a little later on. And then I will disappear for about 9 weeks:)
~Sailor Taylor
P.S. My recruiter said he would come over my house tomorrow evening before I go to the hotel and wrap me up in Saran wrap and duck tape himself because he said I wasn't wrapping myself tight enough...
Um...
I hope this is just another lie he is telling me. Because that man is buff as hell and strong and I do not want him wrapping me. He may force my liver up into my throat:(
I mean, I will have to see him because he's going to bring me the packet I need to go to MEPS and then boot camp, but hopefully he will be in such a hurry to get to his night job that he won't do it.. Hopefully. *Fingers crossed!*
Friday, August 13, 2010
My Dad
I want to keep this short. I'm not for opening up old wounds, but I wanted to blog about this..
My Mom and Dad are both from Memphis (well, Momma kinda isn't lol) and met in the Memphis Navy Reserves after years of being on active duty. Dad joined the Navy in August 1969 (the same month I am leaving for boot camp. Ironic, right?) and Mom joined around the same time as well. And I don't blame them. After experiencing the assassination of Martin Luther King and integration from segregation, I would want to get the hell out of Memphis too.
But, back to my story, and this part is what freaks out a lot of people..
My Mom and Dad were married to other people when they conceived me. Momma was married to a fellow Sailor and my Dad was, and still is, married to a civilian. They got together and had me during their affair. Mom eventually got divorced from my step-dad when I was 3 and Dad, as I said, is still married to his wife.
My life was turbulent, to say the least. I knew Dad had an entirely separate family and I knew I had 3 older sisters. But I was kept a secret. It wasn't until my Freshman and Sophomore years of college that I was finally able to track down my sisters via Facebook and tell them who I am.
All hell broke loose. I had shattered their happy-go-lucky, picture perfect life. My sisters laid into me. They spoke ill of me and my Mother. And I have YET to forgive them for that. NO ONE speaks ill of my Mother. I don't give a damn who you are. My Mother is off limits.
Years ago, our Dad cheated and had me. Get over it. I have. For the most part, anyway.
But there's nothing like being "The Other Child," having to live in secrecy away from one half of your family because you are the dirty little secret. There's nothing like not being able to go out in public with your Mom and Dad for fear that someone will see your married Dad out with his Other Family. There's nothing like knowing you have a family out there that does not know about you. There's nothing like knowing where your sisters live and where they go to school but you still can't touch them. And there's nothing like having to call your Dad by his first name for the first 7 years of your life because "Daddy," even in private, was unacceptable.
There's so much more bullshit I was subjected to that I could write about. But I won't. I've already said enough..
But, long story short, my relationship with my Dad is nonexistent. I stopped talking to him after my sisters and I got into it once I told them who I am and he took their side. He basically said I had "corrupted" and upset HIS family by telling them of my existence. He said I shouldn't have told them. He yelled at me. It was as if it wasn't my right to know who I am and where I come from. I was devastated and heartbroken. After decades of dreaming of finally meeting my sisters and telling them that I exist, they do not welcome me with arms wide open, but damn me and my Mother.
So I stopped talking to him, gave up on them, and disowned that part of me just as they had disowned me. I was my Mother's child and no one else's. Period. And I would have loved to keep it that way. But when I joined the Navy my recruiter told me I had to get BOTH of my parents' information. I wanted to declare my father dead, but he said that would not look good on my behalf once the Navy did my background check and found out my father was actually living. Shit.
So I got into contact with a cousin on my Dad's side who actually likes me (The cousins are cool with me, ironically. It's the sisters who hate me). She was supportive of my Navy endeavors and gave me his contact information so I could get in contact with him and finish filling out my initial paperwork to enlist.
So I reluctantly called him. He knew who I was, of course. And he actually gave me his information. I was surprised at that. And I was surprised at myself for actually wanting his approval with what I was doing with my life. This was back in December, but I had just graduated college and was now joining the Navy. Not only was I college educated BEFORE my older sisters, I was also joining the military like he and Momma did.
Our conversation was strained and just short of two strangers speaking strictly on business terms.
That was back in December and I haven't spoken to him since. And I had no intentions of speaking to him again. Not before I went to bootcamp, not after, not ever quite possibly.
But today, out the blue, Dad called me.
I'd had him on my mind some days ago, but I'd thought nothing of it. I've also been having dreams about people from my past that I no longer talk to, but I thought that was just my "spidey senses" telling me that they would randomly pop back up into my life again before I leave. Or I thought that was my mind's way of helping me let go of my past to move on to my future. I don't know what is was, but I dismissed it..
And then here comes my Dad. Calling me. Talking all jolly as if nothing had happened between us. He called me his "baby" and asked me to send a picture to his phone and he would send me a picture of the ship he was on: The USS Enterprise.
We talked about me going to bootcamp (he made a mean ass comment about my weight. But whatever. I'm brushing off all bullshit), the Navy, my Mom, and other things. I was dumbfounded. I think he even told me he loved me. I was too dazed to realize.
When we hung up the phone, I cried. Not too much. Just a little. I was so shaken up. His calling me was too much. I had to call my sister on my Mother's side, the one I grew up with (we have different fathers) to talk about this. I was about to explode.
After all these years, all this hurt and him disowning me, RIGHT before I leave for a new Life, my estranged Dad calls me. My past came back to haunt me. It was an emotional experience. And words still fail me now..
It was like he knew I was about to leave. It was like something told him to call me after 8 months of not speaking. And he was so happy and proud. And I have no idea why. I cannot figure out my dad at all, but this was just odd.. It was as if nothing happened.
Maybe he feels guilty? I don't know. But we made plans to call each other before I go. Not SEE each other, but call..
I can do that, I guess.
Wow..
Now, if you excuse me, I am done crying and reliving my not so distant past. I'm going to the movies on this last Friday night at home:)
~Sailor Taylor
My Mom and Dad are both from Memphis (well, Momma kinda isn't lol) and met in the Memphis Navy Reserves after years of being on active duty. Dad joined the Navy in August 1969 (the same month I am leaving for boot camp. Ironic, right?) and Mom joined around the same time as well. And I don't blame them. After experiencing the assassination of Martin Luther King and integration from segregation, I would want to get the hell out of Memphis too.
But, back to my story, and this part is what freaks out a lot of people..
My Mom and Dad were married to other people when they conceived me. Momma was married to a fellow Sailor and my Dad was, and still is, married to a civilian. They got together and had me during their affair. Mom eventually got divorced from my step-dad when I was 3 and Dad, as I said, is still married to his wife.
My life was turbulent, to say the least. I knew Dad had an entirely separate family and I knew I had 3 older sisters. But I was kept a secret. It wasn't until my Freshman and Sophomore years of college that I was finally able to track down my sisters via Facebook and tell them who I am.
All hell broke loose. I had shattered their happy-go-lucky, picture perfect life. My sisters laid into me. They spoke ill of me and my Mother. And I have YET to forgive them for that. NO ONE speaks ill of my Mother. I don't give a damn who you are. My Mother is off limits.
Years ago, our Dad cheated and had me. Get over it. I have. For the most part, anyway.
But there's nothing like being "The Other Child," having to live in secrecy away from one half of your family because you are the dirty little secret. There's nothing like not being able to go out in public with your Mom and Dad for fear that someone will see your married Dad out with his Other Family. There's nothing like knowing you have a family out there that does not know about you. There's nothing like knowing where your sisters live and where they go to school but you still can't touch them. And there's nothing like having to call your Dad by his first name for the first 7 years of your life because "Daddy," even in private, was unacceptable.
There's so much more bullshit I was subjected to that I could write about. But I won't. I've already said enough..
But, long story short, my relationship with my Dad is nonexistent. I stopped talking to him after my sisters and I got into it once I told them who I am and he took their side. He basically said I had "corrupted" and upset HIS family by telling them of my existence. He said I shouldn't have told them. He yelled at me. It was as if it wasn't my right to know who I am and where I come from. I was devastated and heartbroken. After decades of dreaming of finally meeting my sisters and telling them that I exist, they do not welcome me with arms wide open, but damn me and my Mother.
So I stopped talking to him, gave up on them, and disowned that part of me just as they had disowned me. I was my Mother's child and no one else's. Period. And I would have loved to keep it that way. But when I joined the Navy my recruiter told me I had to get BOTH of my parents' information. I wanted to declare my father dead, but he said that would not look good on my behalf once the Navy did my background check and found out my father was actually living. Shit.
So I got into contact with a cousin on my Dad's side who actually likes me (The cousins are cool with me, ironically. It's the sisters who hate me). She was supportive of my Navy endeavors and gave me his contact information so I could get in contact with him and finish filling out my initial paperwork to enlist.
So I reluctantly called him. He knew who I was, of course. And he actually gave me his information. I was surprised at that. And I was surprised at myself for actually wanting his approval with what I was doing with my life. This was back in December, but I had just graduated college and was now joining the Navy. Not only was I college educated BEFORE my older sisters, I was also joining the military like he and Momma did.
Our conversation was strained and just short of two strangers speaking strictly on business terms.
That was back in December and I haven't spoken to him since. And I had no intentions of speaking to him again. Not before I went to bootcamp, not after, not ever quite possibly.
But today, out the blue, Dad called me.
I'd had him on my mind some days ago, but I'd thought nothing of it. I've also been having dreams about people from my past that I no longer talk to, but I thought that was just my "spidey senses" telling me that they would randomly pop back up into my life again before I leave. Or I thought that was my mind's way of helping me let go of my past to move on to my future. I don't know what is was, but I dismissed it..
And then here comes my Dad. Calling me. Talking all jolly as if nothing had happened between us. He called me his "baby" and asked me to send a picture to his phone and he would send me a picture of the ship he was on: The USS Enterprise.
We talked about me going to bootcamp (he made a mean ass comment about my weight. But whatever. I'm brushing off all bullshit), the Navy, my Mom, and other things. I was dumbfounded. I think he even told me he loved me. I was too dazed to realize.
When we hung up the phone, I cried. Not too much. Just a little. I was so shaken up. His calling me was too much. I had to call my sister on my Mother's side, the one I grew up with (we have different fathers) to talk about this. I was about to explode.
After all these years, all this hurt and him disowning me, RIGHT before I leave for a new Life, my estranged Dad calls me. My past came back to haunt me. It was an emotional experience. And words still fail me now..
It was like he knew I was about to leave. It was like something told him to call me after 8 months of not speaking. And he was so happy and proud. And I have no idea why. I cannot figure out my dad at all, but this was just odd.. It was as if nothing happened.
Maybe he feels guilty? I don't know. But we made plans to call each other before I go. Not SEE each other, but call..
I can do that, I guess.
Wow..
Now, if you excuse me, I am done crying and reliving my not so distant past. I'm going to the movies on this last Friday night at home:)
~Sailor Taylor
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Butterflies and Such
I have, realistically speaking, about 3 and a half days until I head to the hotel. And I am finally starting to feel a tiny sensation of butterflies.
Before I wasn't. Before, these last few days were just like any other.
It wasn't until I FINALLY decided to plan a going away dinner, send out text messages, and post a Facebook event that I started to feel a little giddy.
This is finally happening:)
I really didn't want to have a going away "function" because I was scared that would somehow jinx everything I have worked for. I'm superstitious like that. That's just how I am. When I am in a relationship, I don't like telling too many people because I am afraid something "bad" will happen. And if I ever get married, I am not having a huge wedding because I wouldn't want everyone all up in my business and happiness.
Y'all get what I'm sayin'? I have a serious Beyonce complex about keeping my happiness private in order to preserve it. This blog may seem like I put everything on front street, but I don't..
So me having a gathering was a big step for me. It still is. It's like I am finally accepting the fact that I am leaving. This is happening. Nothing is keeping me from going to bootcamp. Not my weight, not anything. This is real.
And now I am stressing about who will and will not show up. It's such a popularity contest and I never won those. I almost don't want to have this thing, but my aunt wanted me to. And I owe my limited amount of fam here in town a good-bye. And for those who don't show up, knowing my contract is for up to 8 years due to linguistics school, they can kiss my ass. That is a good indication of who are and are not my "real" friends. I am having a good time these last few days no matter what.. Sans excessive drinking and eating. That just makes you fat lol.
Oh, and get this.
My period started today.
Yep! So my ass is going to be bleeding and cramping my first few days at bootcamp. How fun.
I knew it was coming. I knew I would be pushing it, but I was hoping and PRAYING that it would hold off. I was hoping and praying that the stress of bootcamp would cause my cycle to stop those 9 weeks I will be at RTC. But nope!
Also, I bloat. BAD. So I will be cutting my salt and popping water pills like Skittles. The LAST thing I need is for my damned period to make me appear fat when I am not and affect my measurements and weight. Oh God! I hate this:(
Oh, and because my cycle started, that means I won't be getting laid right before I ship out. OH LAWD, WHY LAWD?!? I haven't had sex since my ex came home on Liberty from the Navy for the 4th of July holiday (I finally cut him off too. So we aren't talking anymore. It was a serious moment of weakness). So it has been over a month for me. And it won't be until at least another 9 weeks that I can possibly have sex again. And then who will I have it with? I won't know anybody! And I have to really KNOW a person to bang them.
*Le Sigh*
God doesn't want me fucking. Obviously. Ha!
Okay, I'm done..
Um, let's see.. What else?..
Okay, so I am thinking bootcamp will more than likely kick my ass. Mentally, I am about 2 thirds of the way prepared. I know the Sailor's Creed and I know the 11 General Orders of a Sentry in any order. I do need a better acquaintance of the Navy's history and I don't know the ranks and recognitions. I need to know that. Or at least have a good enough idea of them. I'm not feeling some over zealous officer making me do push-ups because I don't know just who the hell they are.
And I just may call everyone "sir" and "ma'am" initially because I am Southern and Momma raised me right. That's how we greet people down here. It's just good manners! That will be a hard habit to break..
But back to boot camp kicking my ass!
I am not where I need to be physically. I'm just not. I'm not horrible, but I will be made "stronger" while I am there. Lord, help me =/ I'm not where I used to be when I first enlisted and now I am working to get back to that point, and I will reach that point. But I don't want it to be at the expense of me getting held back in bootcamp because I wasn't physically up to par. I gotta push it once I get there to get out on my scheduled time and then head to linguistics school. These physical fitness and swimming tests freak me out. I just have to breath and DO IT. Period...
Hmm... I'm using this as an update blog. I'm just trying to make sure have covered all my bases..
Okay, so I started Neutrogena Skin iD. My sister gave me one of her extra kits since we have similar oily skin types. So far, it has dried my skin out to where it is now peeling, but my acne is almost gone! Lol. I was DESPERATE to try any and everything. My face is seriously looking bad, but this stuff is getting rid of the pimples. Now if I could only get rid of these acne marks:( I don't want to wear those horrible glasses in bootcamp and have bad acne and a scarred face. Ugh:(
Aaaaannnnnnd, lastly, even though I have 3.5 days left, I have started the Atkins diet. If I can somehow cut 5 lbs while on my cycle, right before I hit MEPS, I will be ecstatic. I workout everyday anyway, but that added push would always be appreciated. And after doing research on it, it sounds like a great idea for the short term and I totally get why cutting carbs aids in serious weight loss. I'm not sure about in the long run, but I should have been doing this weeks ago.
Oh well! There's no time like the present and I do love meat:)
So, in closing, I am excited about everything. I am still fighting my way through any bullshit and adversity I may face, whether it be water weight, acne, butterflies, or fitness troubles. But I got this. I am going to bootcamp on August 17th. I will not be afraid. I will fear not. I will be positive.
This is it.
Thank you, God.
~Sailor Taylor
Before I wasn't. Before, these last few days were just like any other.
It wasn't until I FINALLY decided to plan a going away dinner, send out text messages, and post a Facebook event that I started to feel a little giddy.
This is finally happening:)
I really didn't want to have a going away "function" because I was scared that would somehow jinx everything I have worked for. I'm superstitious like that. That's just how I am. When I am in a relationship, I don't like telling too many people because I am afraid something "bad" will happen. And if I ever get married, I am not having a huge wedding because I wouldn't want everyone all up in my business and happiness.
Y'all get what I'm sayin'? I have a serious Beyonce complex about keeping my happiness private in order to preserve it. This blog may seem like I put everything on front street, but I don't..
So me having a gathering was a big step for me. It still is. It's like I am finally accepting the fact that I am leaving. This is happening. Nothing is keeping me from going to bootcamp. Not my weight, not anything. This is real.
And now I am stressing about who will and will not show up. It's such a popularity contest and I never won those. I almost don't want to have this thing, but my aunt wanted me to. And I owe my limited amount of fam here in town a good-bye. And for those who don't show up, knowing my contract is for up to 8 years due to linguistics school, they can kiss my ass. That is a good indication of who are and are not my "real" friends. I am having a good time these last few days no matter what.. Sans excessive drinking and eating. That just makes you fat lol.
Oh, and get this.
My period started today.
Yep! So my ass is going to be bleeding and cramping my first few days at bootcamp. How fun.
I knew it was coming. I knew I would be pushing it, but I was hoping and PRAYING that it would hold off. I was hoping and praying that the stress of bootcamp would cause my cycle to stop those 9 weeks I will be at RTC. But nope!
Also, I bloat. BAD. So I will be cutting my salt and popping water pills like Skittles. The LAST thing I need is for my damned period to make me appear fat when I am not and affect my measurements and weight. Oh God! I hate this:(
Oh, and because my cycle started, that means I won't be getting laid right before I ship out. OH LAWD, WHY LAWD?!? I haven't had sex since my ex came home on Liberty from the Navy for the 4th of July holiday (I finally cut him off too. So we aren't talking anymore. It was a serious moment of weakness). So it has been over a month for me. And it won't be until at least another 9 weeks that I can possibly have sex again. And then who will I have it with? I won't know anybody! And I have to really KNOW a person to bang them.
*Le Sigh*
God doesn't want me fucking. Obviously. Ha!
Okay, I'm done..
Um, let's see.. What else?..
Okay, so I am thinking bootcamp will more than likely kick my ass. Mentally, I am about 2 thirds of the way prepared. I know the Sailor's Creed and I know the 11 General Orders of a Sentry in any order. I do need a better acquaintance of the Navy's history and I don't know the ranks and recognitions. I need to know that. Or at least have a good enough idea of them. I'm not feeling some over zealous officer making me do push-ups because I don't know just who the hell they are.
And I just may call everyone "sir" and "ma'am" initially because I am Southern and Momma raised me right. That's how we greet people down here. It's just good manners! That will be a hard habit to break..
But back to boot camp kicking my ass!
I am not where I need to be physically. I'm just not. I'm not horrible, but I will be made "stronger" while I am there. Lord, help me =/ I'm not where I used to be when I first enlisted and now I am working to get back to that point, and I will reach that point. But I don't want it to be at the expense of me getting held back in bootcamp because I wasn't physically up to par. I gotta push it once I get there to get out on my scheduled time and then head to linguistics school. These physical fitness and swimming tests freak me out. I just have to breath and DO IT. Period...
Hmm... I'm using this as an update blog. I'm just trying to make sure have covered all my bases..
Okay, so I started Neutrogena Skin iD. My sister gave me one of her extra kits since we have similar oily skin types. So far, it has dried my skin out to where it is now peeling, but my acne is almost gone! Lol. I was DESPERATE to try any and everything. My face is seriously looking bad, but this stuff is getting rid of the pimples. Now if I could only get rid of these acne marks:( I don't want to wear those horrible glasses in bootcamp and have bad acne and a scarred face. Ugh:(
Aaaaannnnnnd, lastly, even though I have 3.5 days left, I have started the Atkins diet. If I can somehow cut 5 lbs while on my cycle, right before I hit MEPS, I will be ecstatic. I workout everyday anyway, but that added push would always be appreciated. And after doing research on it, it sounds like a great idea for the short term and I totally get why cutting carbs aids in serious weight loss. I'm not sure about in the long run, but I should have been doing this weeks ago.
Oh well! There's no time like the present and I do love meat:)
So, in closing, I am excited about everything. I am still fighting my way through any bullshit and adversity I may face, whether it be water weight, acne, butterflies, or fitness troubles. But I got this. I am going to bootcamp on August 17th. I will not be afraid. I will fear not. I will be positive.
This is it.
Thank you, God.
~Sailor Taylor
Monday, August 9, 2010
What I Will Miss The Most..
..While I am in boot camp and beyond.
In some type of order:
-My Family
-My Mom
-Hanging out with my sister
-Seeing my 5 year old nephew and 2 year old niece grow up
-My Real Friends
-My cell phone:(
-Shenanigans!
-The Memphis heat
-Beer and alcohol
-Sex!
-The Beale Street blues
-The familiarity of Memphis, my home
-Fresh brewed sweet iced tea
-Fried fish
-Fried chicken
-Biscuits and white gravy (Mmm!)
-Happy Mexican (a popular restaurant)
-My Car
-Manicures
-Personal space
-Solitude
-My Piercings
-My contacts (I do NOT want to wear those BCGs!)
-Club Backstreet
-Dancing with drag queens and gay men
-Dating
-Hookah bars
-Late nights
-Facebook
-Blogging!
-Africa in April (a popular Memphis festival)
-Southern and country accents, hospitality, and mannerisms...
..And everything and everyone else that has made my life here in Memphis comfortable. There's just too much to list and my memory fails me at the moment.
But I'll be back. One day.
~Sailor Taylor
In some type of order:
-My Family
-My Mom
-Hanging out with my sister
-Seeing my 5 year old nephew and 2 year old niece grow up
-My Real Friends
-My cell phone:(
-Shenanigans!
-The Memphis heat
-Beer and alcohol
-Sex!
-The Beale Street blues
-The familiarity of Memphis, my home
-Fresh brewed sweet iced tea
-Fried fish
-Fried chicken
-Biscuits and white gravy (Mmm!)
-Happy Mexican (a popular restaurant)
-My Car
-Manicures
-Personal space
-Solitude
-My Piercings
-My contacts (I do NOT want to wear those BCGs!)
-Club Backstreet
-Dancing with drag queens and gay men
-Dating
-Hookah bars
-Late nights
-Blogging!
-Africa in April (a popular Memphis festival)
-Southern and country accents, hospitality, and mannerisms...
..And everything and everyone else that has made my life here in Memphis comfortable. There's just too much to list and my memory fails me at the moment.
But I'll be back. One day.
~Sailor Taylor
Sunday, August 8, 2010
7
I have been a bit stressed and not feeling like writing, but I know I should for those who follow me. So here goes..
Today is August 8th, a Sunday. I leave August 17th, a Tuesday. I stop counting the days before I leave that Sunday, the 15th, the day before the Monday I go to the hotel. So according to my calculations, I have 7 days left.
7 days before my life forever changes.
And I am stressed as fuck.
I have this weird thing where I don't quite process traumatic things. I just keep going. I don't allow myself time to grieve or think about what just happened because I am afraid doing so will dishearten me. So I immediately go to Plan B.
And I guess you can say that is what I have done yet again.
You see, my "final" courtesy weigh-in went horribly. I gained ONE POUND and the woman who taped me had me at an EXTRA FIVE PERCENT BODY FAT!! How does ONE POUND EQUAL to 5 PERCENT body fat, I will never know. But it looks like in the span of about 2 weeks, I went from 30% body fat, which is great because I had a 6% cushion, to 35%, and only having a 1% cushion. Which really is no cushion at all.
Why I didn't get kicked out the Navy right then and there, I don't know. I should have disputed those damn measurements. That doesn't make any damn sense! All I can say is God keeps having my back, but why can't He have my STOMACH?? In no way am I complaining. I do realize, and always have, that I will have to fight for this career in the Navy, but I just want my weight "issue" to be over!
I still workout everyday, but I have turned into a compulsive eater as well. I don't eat as often as I should, I have about one big meal a day, and still eat after 6pm. Laxatives don't really work. They cause me to bloat and put on water weight.
I do stomach wraps and workout in layers to sweat and get my "core" temperature up, but nothing seems to work for me. I can look at my body and see the weight I have put on and I don't know what to do.
I have 8 days until I go back to MEPS and they do another mini physical in which they will weigh and measure me again. If I don't meet the requirements there, I WILL NOT go to boot camp..
I would just die. What else would I do? What else can I do? I would be a wreck.
So I can't let that happen.
I'm trying.. But.. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid. I am so close and yet so far. I thought I would be rid of this shit by now. But I am not.
Ugh!
Today I am working out and running twice, once alone and then with my friend. That's all I can do. Just keep it up. And watch what I eat.
I keep calculating different measurements for myself, "just in case." I need to know what could possibly happen. And I need to never have that shitty woman measure me again. I am afraid, but I truly don't feel as though I will not go to boot camp. No matter what, I will not surpass 35%. Technically, I didn't get to 35% this last time. The damn woman measured too low on my hips (story of my life!). But this next time, this last time, will be different. I WILL pass the body fat measurements at MEPS and I WILL go to boot camp and I WILL pass every single body fat, physical, and mental test they have! I am NOT coming home without a uniform!
Woooo saaaa..
I am having an anxiety attack over here. Pray for me. God, be with me. I want this. I do. I just need a bit of help.
~Sailor Taylor
Today is August 8th, a Sunday. I leave August 17th, a Tuesday. I stop counting the days before I leave that Sunday, the 15th, the day before the Monday I go to the hotel. So according to my calculations, I have 7 days left.
7 days before my life forever changes.
And I am stressed as fuck.
I have this weird thing where I don't quite process traumatic things. I just keep going. I don't allow myself time to grieve or think about what just happened because I am afraid doing so will dishearten me. So I immediately go to Plan B.
And I guess you can say that is what I have done yet again.
You see, my "final" courtesy weigh-in went horribly. I gained ONE POUND and the woman who taped me had me at an EXTRA FIVE PERCENT BODY FAT!! How does ONE POUND EQUAL to 5 PERCENT body fat, I will never know. But it looks like in the span of about 2 weeks, I went from 30% body fat, which is great because I had a 6% cushion, to 35%, and only having a 1% cushion. Which really is no cushion at all.
Why I didn't get kicked out the Navy right then and there, I don't know. I should have disputed those damn measurements. That doesn't make any damn sense! All I can say is God keeps having my back, but why can't He have my STOMACH?? In no way am I complaining. I do realize, and always have, that I will have to fight for this career in the Navy, but I just want my weight "issue" to be over!
I still workout everyday, but I have turned into a compulsive eater as well. I don't eat as often as I should, I have about one big meal a day, and still eat after 6pm. Laxatives don't really work. They cause me to bloat and put on water weight.
I do stomach wraps and workout in layers to sweat and get my "core" temperature up, but nothing seems to work for me. I can look at my body and see the weight I have put on and I don't know what to do.
I have 8 days until I go back to MEPS and they do another mini physical in which they will weigh and measure me again. If I don't meet the requirements there, I WILL NOT go to boot camp..
I would just die. What else would I do? What else can I do? I would be a wreck.
So I can't let that happen.
I'm trying.. But.. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid. I am so close and yet so far. I thought I would be rid of this shit by now. But I am not.
Ugh!
Today I am working out and running twice, once alone and then with my friend. That's all I can do. Just keep it up. And watch what I eat.
I keep calculating different measurements for myself, "just in case." I need to know what could possibly happen. And I need to never have that shitty woman measure me again. I am afraid, but I truly don't feel as though I will not go to boot camp. No matter what, I will not surpass 35%. Technically, I didn't get to 35% this last time. The damn woman measured too low on my hips (story of my life!). But this next time, this last time, will be different. I WILL pass the body fat measurements at MEPS and I WILL go to boot camp and I WILL pass every single body fat, physical, and mental test they have! I am NOT coming home without a uniform!
Woooo saaaa..
I am having an anxiety attack over here. Pray for me. God, be with me. I want this. I do. I just need a bit of help.
~Sailor Taylor
Monday, August 2, 2010
Let Me Just Say I Am Pissed..
I woke up this morning, not feeling like working out but reluctantly did so anyway. I slathered on more Preparation H and wrapped my stomach with my stomach band, but this time I put the band directly on my skin. Not on top of my tank. I then put on my usual sauna suit top and sweat shirt.
It was hella uncomfortable because the band was slipping and sliding all over my wet and slick skin. And the creamy white shit was everywhere. It was very messy. It wouldn't stay put and it was wrecking my nerves.
And, mind you, while I am working out I am not drinking any water. And I didn't drink any water when I woke up this morning either because I was scared I would bloat.
So I am essentially dehydrating myself again for this weigh-in because also took another fucking laxative.
Oh, and get this. The Prep H did not burn. My skin did not look or feel any different either. I think it was a waste.
Aaaaaaaand theeeeeen guess what happened? I didn't hear from my recruiter. I felt deep down like something was wrong. So I called him. And do you know what he told me?? He said he was doing training in OXFORD FUCKING MISSISSIPPI!!!
I ASKED this man DAYS ago if he would be able to take me to my final weigh-in (because otherwise I would make my own arrangements) and he said YES, he would be able to, knowing damn well he had training! He said he thought he would have been back in town by now.
WHAT?!?
And who the HELL has training at the start of a new month?! Your ass needs to be in that fucking office recruiting next months quota, damnit!
Uuuuuugh! I HATE having to depend on people. I HATE not having my damn car. And I hate, hate, HATE this.
I did ALL that uncomfortable pre-weigh-in shit for nothing. Fuck!
My recruiter said that he would get me tomorrow for my weigh-in. Well guess what?
I don't wanna do it. I don't. I am pissed, sulking, and defeated and I don't wanna do another damned uncomfortable weigh-in before I ship out in THIRTEEN DAYS.
I just don't.
So there!
And the weight I am now is the weight I will be when I ship out and there is nothing that can be done. I am within the requirements so what more do they want from me??
Ugh. Fuck this.
I'm going to go eat. I'm fucking starving.
Mel Gibson rant over.
Shit.
~Sailor Taylor
It was hella uncomfortable because the band was slipping and sliding all over my wet and slick skin. And the creamy white shit was everywhere. It was very messy. It wouldn't stay put and it was wrecking my nerves.
And, mind you, while I am working out I am not drinking any water. And I didn't drink any water when I woke up this morning either because I was scared I would bloat.
So I am essentially dehydrating myself again for this weigh-in because also took another fucking laxative.
Oh, and get this. The Prep H did not burn. My skin did not look or feel any different either. I think it was a waste.
Aaaaaaaand theeeeeen guess what happened? I didn't hear from my recruiter. I felt deep down like something was wrong. So I called him. And do you know what he told me?? He said he was doing training in OXFORD FUCKING MISSISSIPPI!!!
I ASKED this man DAYS ago if he would be able to take me to my final weigh-in (because otherwise I would make my own arrangements) and he said YES, he would be able to, knowing damn well he had training! He said he thought he would have been back in town by now.
WHAT?!?
And who the HELL has training at the start of a new month?! Your ass needs to be in that fucking office recruiting next months quota, damnit!
Uuuuuugh! I HATE having to depend on people. I HATE not having my damn car. And I hate, hate, HATE this.
I did ALL that uncomfortable pre-weigh-in shit for nothing. Fuck!
My recruiter said that he would get me tomorrow for my weigh-in. Well guess what?
I don't wanna do it. I don't. I am pissed, sulking, and defeated and I don't wanna do another damned uncomfortable weigh-in before I ship out in THIRTEEN DAYS.
I just don't.
So there!
And the weight I am now is the weight I will be when I ship out and there is nothing that can be done. I am within the requirements so what more do they want from me??
Ugh. Fuck this.
I'm going to go eat. I'm fucking starving.
Mel Gibson rant over.
Shit.
~Sailor Taylor
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