Why the Navy, Baby

Hello, World!
I know it has taken me a minute to actually start blogging on this thing,but here I am! I'm pretty damn excited about this, too. Writing is therapy. I have a blog on MySpace that not many comment on or read except for a certain female stalker of mine *Hi, 'Drea!*, so I am very happy to have found a site that is solely for blogging without the BS. Hopefully I won't get any ignorant comments or requests for sex here lol.

Now, in my profile I mentioned me joining the military and that's what this first blog is about. I am in the process of enlisting in the Navy. It's something I seriously look forward and dream about. It keeps me going. And I am SO restless to go! But I know I will be here in Memphis for about a year due to the fact the military is flooded with candidates because of this economy. So in the mean time I am productive and proactive, doing things that benefit me now and in the future. And the fact that the military is flooded is really something. In a country as liberal, hard headed and radical as ours, the military is almost to capacity because times are so hard. That says a lot. And it kinda scares me. I want my turn to go! I want to find my place among the ranks. And I will. In about a year:)

Well, while I'm rambling, let me actually explain what made me want to join the military. I'll try to keep this short and sweet, but knowing me it won't be lol.

About three years ago, I worked at a restaurant called Rafferty's and there I met a boy named Ladarrius. I was 20. He was 19 and in the Delayed Entry Program with the Navy. It wasn't supposed to go on for as long as it did. I wasn't supposed to fall in love like I did. But it did and I did. Looking back on things, I know this was all a part of God's Plan. But it took me months to realize the reason for everything I would have to go through.

You know, my parent's were sailors too. Damn good sailors at that. But I saw, heard, and experienced things that forever jaded me and molded my perception of military people. Now, I LOVE me some men in uniform, but I knew better than to stay with Ladarrius. Plus other members of my family were sailors too so I REALLY knew not to mess with this guy. They told me to go ahead and leave him before he left for boot camp. Or left me period. They just knew nothing good would come of him. They told me some horrible and disheartening things. But I tried to remain optimistic and
believe that I had the one guy in the armed services that was different. Ha!

But I did the Navy girlfriend/ future wifey deal for a while. I was faithful. I was a great girlfriend, doing my research on how to be a better woman for
him and how to make "us" work. I even took a trip to see him graduate from RTC with his parents. That freaked me out a lot. I saw the people who raised him up close and personal with their fighting, verbally abusive and bickering behavior. I was scared for myself and sad for him. He came up in a household with those people? My poor baby, I thought. What of our relationship? I know that would negatively affect us.

On a side note, I'd always flirted with the idea of joining the military
because of my parents. I'd heard their stories, saw the pictures, gone to the Millington base and experienced a tiny bit of reservist brat life. But Momma wanted me to go to college because joining the military was an out for her when there wasn't one. School wasn't an option for her. But I had an out. And she didn't support me having to experience the life she had. And I love her for wanting to protect me. So I stayed in school.

But the plan for Ladarrius and I was for me to hurry up and graduate college and join him in Charleston, SC. And I stayed true to that plan. My life now
revolved around getting to him like a dumb ass. And then, long hurtful story short, we didn't work out. Big surprise right? Yeah, whatever.

I was rendered lost, dazed, confused, upset, hurt....I was physically sick. I couldn't function. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know how to act. I had lost the love of my life, my happiness and, subconsciously, my golden ticket out of Memphis. What was I to do then? All my plans were dependent upon him. And that's where my mistake lay. I had changed so much for him. I tried to be what he liked, knowing damn well he would still love light skinned, "good" haired mixed girls. The exact opposite of me. At a time when I should have been learning more about Myself as a young woman, I was too busy planning a future on unstable ground. And that is something many young military wives do. They start lives with someone they barely
know when they don't know themselves and stunt their growth as complete human beings.

Anyway, I finally stopped throwing up and realized I had to start living life without Ladarrius. I had to decide what I was going to do with myself. I truly did not know. But I did know I wanted to run away. I HAD to get away. And I knew I did not want to sit at a desk all my life working a 9 to 5, doing the mundane. I had wings to spread.

Then I knew what I was going to do! I was going to join the Peace Corps! That would get me away. But when I looked into it, it didn't seem like the best fit for me. Where would I get money to live off of and what would I do after those 2 years were up? Would I even be selected for the Peace Corps? They don't take just anybody!

But I secretly dreamed about sailor life while I was with Ladarrius. But my "place" was to support him, get my degree, do the corporate thing, and hold down the home front while he was on his damn submarine doing God knows what with who. All without marriage. Deep down I didn't like that shit. Not one bit. I knew it was suspect.
\
But that was when I was with Ladarrius. I learned didn't need him to get out of Memphis. I didn't need him to realize my own future. I didn't need him
as a crutch, going from depending on Momma to depending on him. I was all alone now and the world was my oyster.

So I decided to join the Navy my damn self! And I was going to be bigger and better than Ladarrius would ever be. I was going to be an officer. That bitch would have to call me ma'am and salute me! Stickin' it to him was my driving force. How could he do this to ME? After everything I sacrificed? My time, money, body, mental and physical well being.. I even failed a class because of him! I will forever have an F on my college transcript! Oh, I was going to show him.. I had that bitch!..

But here I am today. No longer bitter. No longer using my hatred/ love for Ladarrius to keep me going. No longer loving or hating him period. I'm just tired and done with him. This is all me now. And I feel so strong, powerful, feminine, and wise for the hardships I went through with Ladarrius. Where he told me I couldn't, I now know I can. And he knew I could which is why he told me I could not. He saw in me what didn't and that scared him. I am free, emancipated to be a whole woman no longer fragmented and unable to stand alone. I stand alone!

But, yeah, so that turned out to be longer than I anticipated but that's my story lol. The officer thing won't work out right now. So I'm going enlisted, and I will have more on that later. But my dream of being an officer is not over. It's just a little further back in my plans, is all. I will be an officer. One way or another.

But my story is a met a boy, that boy broke my heart, and in that pain I matured and grew into the woman I am today:) And, ironically, I thank God for that boy and my own strength to rise up from the ashes. I am forever resilient.


~*Pie*