Early December of last year, towards the end of my last semester in college, I finally chopped all my hair off. I'd been flirting with the idea for months, if not years, but never did. I would always continued to embrace my hair and let it grow. But then I got so busy and so damn tired of spending 30 to 45 minutes styling it every morning that I couldn't take it any more. So I Photoshoped my face on Solange's head with her new hair cut so I could be sure I would look fabulous with short hair. And in that Photoshoped picture I did:-D And I still do. I was right in thinking that if I looked good with my hair pulled back I would look equally good, if not better, with it shaved off. Thank God I have a symmetrical head as well lol.
Another reason for me cutting my hair was that I would have to rid myself of my natural curls anyway when I went to boot camp. There was no way around that. There was no way I could make cornrows last at least 9 weeks without any kind of hair product. Not in Chicago's harsh, windy winter and the chlorine that comes with swimming(it is Navy boot camp after all!). No. My head would have looked a mess and I wasn't about to let those barbers touch my hair in boot camp. They do not aim to please. Not at all.
But now that I have had a shaved head for about two months now I am getting a bit restless as I always do. Even as I type this, I have a plastic bag on my head, deep conditioning my half inch of hair because I colored it today.
Yep, I just couldn't leave it alone. So now its a funky copper color, a bit lighter than the mid-brown color I wanted. But oh well. I'm still going to rock it. And it looks nice, it just wasn't what I wanted and I've seen SO many Black women with this exact same hair color. *Le sigh.* Guess I'll have to work extra hard to stand out now:(
But I just don't know what I want to do with my hair! I know I want to grow it out to at least an inch so I can get invisible braids in a few weeks. But then what? I have about 6 months until I have to ship out to boot camp and I have no idea how long my hair will be by then. I may let it grow out(I'm still researching the "proper" way of growing out such short hair), but if it's too long, or "protrudes" too far out from my head, then the Navy will make me cut it. So a possibility will be me cutting my hair again before I leave. But having a shaved head in fall in Chicago is not where it's at for me. I'm a Southern Belle, yall! I gets cold easily:(
So, in the meantime, I am letting my short curls grow. I have no idea what I will do next(obviously), but I love to change things up. So we'll see! Toodles:)
~*Pie*
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Closer to My Dreams
I haven't written lately because I have been experiencing some financial issues, changes in lifestyle, and my job(s) status. And when I am down in any kind of way, I often don't feel the urge or want to blog or brag about myself. I feel like crap, to be honest. Here I am "grown" and having trouble with getting back on my feet and staying there. It's a damn shame that should not be.
But with so much on my mind and me plotting and planning my next moves and steps so I can simply survive, my dreams have been in over drive. So much occurs in them that I can't keep track of everything. But I was able to remember a few key elements that spoke volumes when interpreted.
I Googled "Rivers" and "Hair", preferably "Combing My Hair", the only things I remembered from my dreams. It sounds crazy now, but what I found pretty much hit my subconscious spot..
"River- A sign to go with the flow, if you are not sure what to do. Or perhaps an indication that you might have to leave something behind if you are going to cross to the other side, hence changing your attitude to an emotional situation."
I remember looking down at dark, but clear, flowing river water. The sun was shining on it bright and harsh, as if it was a cold winter morning. And with what I was going through, I had no choice but to "go with the flow." Obviously I couldn't fight the fact I lost my night job or fight the fact I was struggling with my rent. I just had to go with my reality and make plans from there. I had to leave behind the lifestyle I was used to living and even a few material things to adjust to this "dark," meager period in my life. And that's what I did. Its not easy, but I am making it and realizing what is truly important and actual necessities.
The second dream I remember somewhat vividly involved me holding a comb that was full of my hair. I had combed my hair and it was full of shedded strains. I didn't think anything of it because even though I have a shaved head, I am growing my hair out 1 inch so I can get some microbraids. But it was A LOT of hair in the comb. But, anyway, I'm thinking that me being so consumed and impatient with my hair growth was the reason for my vane dream. But it did stick out/ I remembered it for a reason. So I thought it wouldn't hurt to google dreams about combs and hair..
"Dreaming that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair, suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance..
Hair symbolizes thoughts. Refer to specific hair types, conditions, and colors for specific interpretations. When people dream of hair, it's usually the hair on their head. The obvious meaning is grooming and appearance, but on a deeper level, it signifies thought and the conscious mind... OK, hair comes out of your head. Hair grows out of your head so it symbolizes something important that comes out of or from our head. That thing is IDEAS. Ideas, thoughts and the thinking process. Hair most commonly symbolizes ideas - your ideas..
Comb: If you dream of a comb with all of its teeth it means that difficult business matters must be resolved soon..
Combing Your Own Hair: You must take immediate action to resolve a current problem."
Yep, that all sounded correct lol. Even though my dream may have involved my vanity to a certain extent, there was a deeper meaning. I had so much on my mind. So many thoughts running through my head.. I had major issues that needed to be resolved that dealt with how I was going to get my next meal, where I was going to get gas money from, and what was I going to do with my financial and job situations..
All that was running though my head and my dreams reflected that. Crazy...
This entry is long enough, but what I mean to say is that Dreams mean something. They mean a lot. I'm always looking for a sign or trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me and dreams are a sure fire way of figuring things out. My sister has crazy, foretelling dreams too. But she's just more in tune with readin people. Moreso than I am. But maybe Dreams runs in our family on our Mother's side..
And there were even dream interpreters in the Bible, so it's okay to wonder and seek guidance from our subconscious minds. Of course, my dreams don't foretell the future, but one day they might. And one day yours might:)
Pay attention to what your dreams are trying to tell you. Get a lil "closer to your dreams" for a better understanding:) Knowledge is power.
~*Pie*
But with so much on my mind and me plotting and planning my next moves and steps so I can simply survive, my dreams have been in over drive. So much occurs in them that I can't keep track of everything. But I was able to remember a few key elements that spoke volumes when interpreted.
I Googled "Rivers" and "Hair", preferably "Combing My Hair", the only things I remembered from my dreams. It sounds crazy now, but what I found pretty much hit my subconscious spot..
"River- A sign to go with the flow, if you are not sure what to do. Or perhaps an indication that you might have to leave something behind if you are going to cross to the other side, hence changing your attitude to an emotional situation."
I remember looking down at dark, but clear, flowing river water. The sun was shining on it bright and harsh, as if it was a cold winter morning. And with what I was going through, I had no choice but to "go with the flow." Obviously I couldn't fight the fact I lost my night job or fight the fact I was struggling with my rent. I just had to go with my reality and make plans from there. I had to leave behind the lifestyle I was used to living and even a few material things to adjust to this "dark," meager period in my life. And that's what I did. Its not easy, but I am making it and realizing what is truly important and actual necessities.
The second dream I remember somewhat vividly involved me holding a comb that was full of my hair. I had combed my hair and it was full of shedded strains. I didn't think anything of it because even though I have a shaved head, I am growing my hair out 1 inch so I can get some microbraids. But it was A LOT of hair in the comb. But, anyway, I'm thinking that me being so consumed and impatient with my hair growth was the reason for my vane dream. But it did stick out/ I remembered it for a reason. So I thought it wouldn't hurt to google dreams about combs and hair..
"Dreaming that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair, suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance..
Hair symbolizes thoughts. Refer to specific hair types, conditions, and colors for specific interpretations. When people dream of hair, it's usually the hair on their head. The obvious meaning is grooming and appearance, but on a deeper level, it signifies thought and the conscious mind... OK, hair comes out of your head. Hair grows out of your head so it symbolizes something important that comes out of or from our head. That thing is IDEAS. Ideas, thoughts and the thinking process. Hair most commonly symbolizes ideas - your ideas..
Comb: If you dream of a comb with all of its teeth it means that difficult business matters must be resolved soon..
Combing Your Own Hair: You must take immediate action to resolve a current problem."
Yep, that all sounded correct lol. Even though my dream may have involved my vanity to a certain extent, there was a deeper meaning. I had so much on my mind. So many thoughts running through my head.. I had major issues that needed to be resolved that dealt with how I was going to get my next meal, where I was going to get gas money from, and what was I going to do with my financial and job situations..
All that was running though my head and my dreams reflected that. Crazy...
This entry is long enough, but what I mean to say is that Dreams mean something. They mean a lot. I'm always looking for a sign or trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me and dreams are a sure fire way of figuring things out. My sister has crazy, foretelling dreams too. But she's just more in tune with readin people. Moreso than I am. But maybe Dreams runs in our family on our Mother's side..
And there were even dream interpreters in the Bible, so it's okay to wonder and seek guidance from our subconscious minds. Of course, my dreams don't foretell the future, but one day they might. And one day yours might:)
Pay attention to what your dreams are trying to tell you. Get a lil "closer to your dreams" for a better understanding:) Knowledge is power.
~*Pie*
Thursday, February 11, 2010
My Band Wagon
Those who I have burned bridges with in the past, who knew of my life plans, have managed to magically reappear to congratulate me. It's so weird how once people see me doing well, with my degree and now a member of the U.S. Navy, they want to jump on my band wagon..
Well, no, I take that back. It's not weird. It's to be expected. I'm bound for great things here and they see and know that. They know about my stubborn drive!
When I told my Baby Alec about certain someones, past loves and flames, showing back up in my life tryna get a piece of Me, he said "Tell 'em I said to fuck off. I got this!"
Ha! That's my Baby Boo! And that's what I did. Told 'em to get ta steppin'!
~*Pie*
Well, no, I take that back. It's not weird. It's to be expected. I'm bound for great things here and they see and know that. They know about my stubborn drive!
When I told my Baby Alec about certain someones, past loves and flames, showing back up in my life tryna get a piece of Me, he said "Tell 'em I said to fuck off. I got this!"
Ha! That's my Baby Boo! And that's what I did. Told 'em to get ta steppin'!
~*Pie*
My Very First Delayed Entry Program Meeting:)
So, before I talk about today, let me start by saying that I went to my recruiter's office on Tuesday to pick up me DEP folder as opposed to our scheduled meeting on Monday because of the "snow storm" we had that day (lol at Memphis and our lack of knowing how to cope with winter weather). I entered the office as usual and learned that out meeting would be scheduled for today (Thursday) and that my DEP folder would be ready then. As I was leaving the office, Wooddard (one of the Petty Officers) asked me if my recruiter showed me how to enter and exit the office..
I was like "Huh?!?" I'm thinking "How am I SUPPOSED to enter and exit the office?!? I can't just walk my ass in??" But Wooddard assured me that I would find out Thursday in a voice that was all too calm. So calm that I was a bit horrified, lol. I don't like being in the wrong or ignorant about things or not the very best at everything (I'm slick competitive lol). So I went on Facebook on the women's Navy site, and asked about what Petty Officer Wooddard was talking about.
Apparently I was supposed to step just inside, turn and salute the US flag, turn and salute my recruiters and say "Future Sailor Taylor, requesting to come aboard." They then salute me back and grant me permission to "come aboard", which friggin' means come in the dame office lol. I then do the same thing, but backwards when I am leaving and say "Future Sailor Taylor, requesting permission to go ashore.." They salute me and then I go. And "ashore" means to go on land. It's a no brainer, I tell you.
So I ran this by my recruiter, who told me that now that I knew what I was supposed to do that and if I messed up then I would be make to "push the deck", which are push-ups, or whatever else they thought of..
I'm like FUCKIN' WHAAAAAT?! I'm supposed to know HOW and then get punished when these guys have literally shown me *nothing* and I had to find out on my own what I'm supposed to do?? Naw, man, naw! But then my recruiter said that they would show me ONCE and after that my ass would get it if I messed up. I was nervous as hell then. Having anxiety and everything lol.
So I came in today and Wooddard showed me what I was supposed to do. It wasn't hard, but out of my comfort zone. And I want to be good at everything in the Navy, so I was especially nervous. I always am nervous when I really care about something and want to be really good at it..
So I did that, filled out *even more* damn paper work for my DEP folder, was given important info to remember about the Navy, and then it was time for me to go. It wasn't really a meeting because of the President's Day holiday coming up, so I just filled out my papers..
But I knew I was going to fuck up the damn exit salute when I left. I just knew it. I did not have everything down pack.
So I messed up. And Wooddard made me do the slowest, most painful push-ups and "hold its" (where I hold the up and down position of a push up) imaginable. My arms were shaking. I couldn't even do 5 slowly when I can do at least 22 fast. He was fucking with me, of course. But that's how it will be in boot camp, but A LOT worse. *Tear* I didn't even wear the right bra for all that. I called myself tryna wear my cute pink, lacey push-up for a nice, round life. But my tits were poppin' out and some mo' shit! It looked like I had 3 titties lol!
Eventually he just let me go. I couldn't do what he was asking for. My ass and hips were too heavy and my lower back was killing me. I kept falling down. And my arms shook so! But now I know how I need to practice doing push-ups. I felt the burn. It was nice. But semi-humiliating. And I'm sure he was gazing at my delicious ass as I was executing the exercise. Ah, oh well. Let 'em look. I just want to be a great and successful Sailor Taylor:)
My next DEP meeting is next month. I have ass loads of stuff to study. My Navy career is riding on this and I'm excited:) More later.
~*Pie*
I was like "Huh?!?" I'm thinking "How am I SUPPOSED to enter and exit the office?!? I can't just walk my ass in??" But Wooddard assured me that I would find out Thursday in a voice that was all too calm. So calm that I was a bit horrified, lol. I don't like being in the wrong or ignorant about things or not the very best at everything (I'm slick competitive lol). So I went on Facebook on the women's Navy site, and asked about what Petty Officer Wooddard was talking about.
Apparently I was supposed to step just inside, turn and salute the US flag, turn and salute my recruiters and say "Future Sailor Taylor, requesting to come aboard." They then salute me back and grant me permission to "come aboard", which friggin' means come in the dame office lol. I then do the same thing, but backwards when I am leaving and say "Future Sailor Taylor, requesting permission to go ashore.." They salute me and then I go. And "ashore" means to go on land. It's a no brainer, I tell you.
So I ran this by my recruiter, who told me that now that I knew what I was supposed to do that and if I messed up then I would be make to "push the deck", which are push-ups, or whatever else they thought of..
I'm like FUCKIN' WHAAAAAT?! I'm supposed to know HOW and then get punished when these guys have literally shown me *nothing* and I had to find out on my own what I'm supposed to do?? Naw, man, naw! But then my recruiter said that they would show me ONCE and after that my ass would get it if I messed up. I was nervous as hell then. Having anxiety and everything lol.
So I came in today and Wooddard showed me what I was supposed to do. It wasn't hard, but out of my comfort zone. And I want to be good at everything in the Navy, so I was especially nervous. I always am nervous when I really care about something and want to be really good at it..
So I did that, filled out *even more* damn paper work for my DEP folder, was given important info to remember about the Navy, and then it was time for me to go. It wasn't really a meeting because of the President's Day holiday coming up, so I just filled out my papers..
But I knew I was going to fuck up the damn exit salute when I left. I just knew it. I did not have everything down pack.
So I messed up. And Wooddard made me do the slowest, most painful push-ups and "hold its" (where I hold the up and down position of a push up) imaginable. My arms were shaking. I couldn't even do 5 slowly when I can do at least 22 fast. He was fucking with me, of course. But that's how it will be in boot camp, but A LOT worse. *Tear* I didn't even wear the right bra for all that. I called myself tryna wear my cute pink, lacey push-up for a nice, round life. But my tits were poppin' out and some mo' shit! It looked like I had 3 titties lol!
Eventually he just let me go. I couldn't do what he was asking for. My ass and hips were too heavy and my lower back was killing me. I kept falling down. And my arms shook so! But now I know how I need to practice doing push-ups. I felt the burn. It was nice. But semi-humiliating. And I'm sure he was gazing at my delicious ass as I was executing the exercise. Ah, oh well. Let 'em look. I just want to be a great and successful Sailor Taylor:)
My next DEP meeting is next month. I have ass loads of stuff to study. My Navy career is riding on this and I'm excited:) More later.
~*Pie*
Monday, February 8, 2010
What is This Thing That I Fear?
Why do I have this irrational fear of marriage? Is it because I am more conscious than most, see the world for what it is and know that marriage is not what I want? Is it because I think of marriage as the modern day Peculiar Institution? In my home, in the South, marrying young and having children while in one's early 20s are a way of life. The majority of my graduating class already have children and a few are married as well. But I see all of that as a Death Sentence.
Or do I secretly want a glimpse into this Institution? Am I really that curious to know about it? When I was younger, innocent, having experienced nothing and growing up without a father, all I wanted was Love. I wanted that epic love that I saw in the movies and read about in books. I wanted a "man" to love me like that. I learned the hard way Love just doesn't work like that. Neither does Life.
So after a few heart aches, each one more devastating than the last and ending with my fiasco with Ladarrius, I turned into the harden, cold woman I am today. But that is just a protective shell for the "Real" Me. The Softer Me. I know deep down I cannot always fully ignore her because of moments like this. But the question is when (because I know there is a "when") I will allow her to flourish?
Now here I am at 23 years old, almost an old maid by the South's standards, with a great Soldier by my side. All he wants is for us to be there for one another through thick and thin and have patience(it's a virtue I'm working on!). And with us both being in the military, times WILL get rough. But for as long as I have been talking to Alec, I never thought he would turn into what he is now. It seems like forever until he will be home and hearing from him makes me smile, laugh and tear up. I want to hop on a plane to see him and make sure I stop to pick up some lingerie on the way lol! I don't know if I am going through the motions of being in the military or just caught up in the romanticism of being with a soldier(I'm smart enough and have done this enough to not suffer from those things, I know), but I love it. And one day I want to be IN love with him. And I know he's already on track to falling for me..
So who knows? Even though Alec and I are hundreds of miles away, have conflicting zodiacs(lol) and will one day be half a world apart when he goes to Afghanistan and I to California, maybe this guy is The Guy. The One for me. But only time will tell. I have trust issues and Alec better not break my heart, but I want to give him a try. I'm getting a little older now and I owe it to myself, and then to him, to give US a try. I'm crazy about this guy:)
*Warm fuzzy feelings* lol
~*Pie*
Or do I secretly want a glimpse into this Institution? Am I really that curious to know about it? When I was younger, innocent, having experienced nothing and growing up without a father, all I wanted was Love. I wanted that epic love that I saw in the movies and read about in books. I wanted a "man" to love me like that. I learned the hard way Love just doesn't work like that. Neither does Life.
So after a few heart aches, each one more devastating than the last and ending with my fiasco with Ladarrius, I turned into the harden, cold woman I am today. But that is just a protective shell for the "Real" Me. The Softer Me. I know deep down I cannot always fully ignore her because of moments like this. But the question is when (because I know there is a "when") I will allow her to flourish?
Now here I am at 23 years old, almost an old maid by the South's standards, with a great Soldier by my side. All he wants is for us to be there for one another through thick and thin and have patience(it's a virtue I'm working on!). And with us both being in the military, times WILL get rough. But for as long as I have been talking to Alec, I never thought he would turn into what he is now. It seems like forever until he will be home and hearing from him makes me smile, laugh and tear up. I want to hop on a plane to see him and make sure I stop to pick up some lingerie on the way lol! I don't know if I am going through the motions of being in the military or just caught up in the romanticism of being with a soldier(I'm smart enough and have done this enough to not suffer from those things, I know), but I love it. And one day I want to be IN love with him. And I know he's already on track to falling for me..
So who knows? Even though Alec and I are hundreds of miles away, have conflicting zodiacs(lol) and will one day be half a world apart when he goes to Afghanistan and I to California, maybe this guy is The Guy. The One for me. But only time will tell. I have trust issues and Alec better not break my heart, but I want to give him a try. I'm getting a little older now and I owe it to myself, and then to him, to give US a try. I'm crazy about this guy:)
*Warm fuzzy feelings* lol
~*Pie*
Friday, February 5, 2010
Lord Help Me, Please Tell Me What I Have Gotten Into!
Months ago I revamped my profile on Plenty of Fish (yes, I do the whole online dating thing) because I was ready to get back into the dating game. I chatted with a few guys, most were Shit, and one became my boyfriend. And that boyfriend and I quickly fell off. That child just had too much damn drama!
But through all that, one guy stayed in contact with me: Alec. He's 24, 6 feet, DARK skinned(that's my weakness yall), has a thick football player's build(205lbs! My other weakness!), is an E-4 in the Army, from Mississippi, enlisted in Memphis, and now lives in New York a base that is very close to Canada. He's a helicopter gunner, loves his job, and is the Go-To Guy when his superiors need to get the job done..
We started talking on POF, traded numbers and then took it to Yahoo IM. It took us MONTHS to even hear each other's voices. Some people just are more comfortable with typing their words rather than speaking them. I guess that was us. But I liked his positive attitude and encouraging, kind words:) He is a sweetie, and I think he's really genuine in that because most Soldiers eventually get messy with playing whatever games they are playing. Alec isn't like that. Or at least he doesn't seem to be like that.
Anyway, Alec came home for the holidays, as most service people do, but I was going through a few issues of my own and wasn't really trying to give him time of day anyway. So I didn't get to see him and we didn't speak until he was on his way back to NY. I didn't think anything of it.
And then, somehow, we got to talking again like real hard core. I have no idea how this happened. But we seriously clicked. He started calling me Baby, I started calling him Baby. We got to actually talking on the phone, sending each other pictures, and hearing from one another everyday. He confessed how he was feeling me and wanted to get to know me better and I did the same...
Yall see where I'm going with this, don't you? He said he wanted to be with me and do whatever he had to do to be with me. I kinda brushed it off, me being the untrusting skeptic that I am. What soldier doesn't want a PYT girl waiting on him back home? What soldier doesn't say that? Or something to that effect? That's what was going through my head.
But deep down I do have a soft, feminine side and this guy had reached it. I would think about him and smile at the though of his voice and everything about him. I fell for the idea of Alec.
So today he told me how well he did at the range and I said something to the effect of how well "my man" could shoot. He said "..so it's safe to call you my woman?" I reluctantly and fearfully said "yes." So now I have a boyfriend in New York, in the Army, who I have NEVER met before and is due for a year long deployment to Afghanistan this year.
Lord help me, please tell me what I have gotten into(thanks, Vivian Green)?! I LOVE sex. It's a recreational outlet for me. And, yet, here I am in a long distance relationship with a man who will not be home until this summer. And once he leaves he will be headed for war in the Middle East for the 2nd time while I will be headed to boot camp in Great Lakes, IL. Looks like my pussy is on lock down! Shit:(
You know, there's a reason for everything and most of the time I don't know that reason until after the fact. This situation with Alec is no different. Why the hell is this happening?? Damnit, I got a good ass man on my hands too! I mean, we are both in the military and we both have our "emotional" moments, so what if "the M word" becomes a factor?? Will I actually do it after all the bitchin' and moanin' I have been doing about how much I hate it?!
Wait, wait, wait. I am getting ahead of myself here. I haven't even met the guy yet lol! But, oddly enough, that's how I got my 1st boyfriend when I was 16. We talked first and then got together all before knowing what the other looked like.. Well, he knew what I looked like but I didn't know about him. I went on instincts. And that worked out just fine. So I know Alec will be the same way..
But that boy has gotten to me. I wanna do everything from make love to pay bills together. Damn, I'm slick gone, yall! But not too much. I'm still ME. I still DO me. And if he is making me out to be a fool then God help us all because I aint havin' it!
Aight. I can't believe I just did this shit but I did. We'll see how this goes. Peace!
~*Pie*
But through all that, one guy stayed in contact with me: Alec. He's 24, 6 feet, DARK skinned(that's my weakness yall), has a thick football player's build(205lbs! My other weakness!), is an E-4 in the Army, from Mississippi, enlisted in Memphis, and now lives in New York a base that is very close to Canada. He's a helicopter gunner, loves his job, and is the Go-To Guy when his superiors need to get the job done..
We started talking on POF, traded numbers and then took it to Yahoo IM. It took us MONTHS to even hear each other's voices. Some people just are more comfortable with typing their words rather than speaking them. I guess that was us. But I liked his positive attitude and encouraging, kind words:) He is a sweetie, and I think he's really genuine in that because most Soldiers eventually get messy with playing whatever games they are playing. Alec isn't like that. Or at least he doesn't seem to be like that.
Anyway, Alec came home for the holidays, as most service people do, but I was going through a few issues of my own and wasn't really trying to give him time of day anyway. So I didn't get to see him and we didn't speak until he was on his way back to NY. I didn't think anything of it.
And then, somehow, we got to talking again like real hard core. I have no idea how this happened. But we seriously clicked. He started calling me Baby, I started calling him Baby. We got to actually talking on the phone, sending each other pictures, and hearing from one another everyday. He confessed how he was feeling me and wanted to get to know me better and I did the same...
Yall see where I'm going with this, don't you? He said he wanted to be with me and do whatever he had to do to be with me. I kinda brushed it off, me being the untrusting skeptic that I am. What soldier doesn't want a PYT girl waiting on him back home? What soldier doesn't say that? Or something to that effect? That's what was going through my head.
But deep down I do have a soft, feminine side and this guy had reached it. I would think about him and smile at the though of his voice and everything about him. I fell for the idea of Alec.
So today he told me how well he did at the range and I said something to the effect of how well "my man" could shoot. He said "..so it's safe to call you my woman?" I reluctantly and fearfully said "yes." So now I have a boyfriend in New York, in the Army, who I have NEVER met before and is due for a year long deployment to Afghanistan this year.
Lord help me, please tell me what I have gotten into(thanks, Vivian Green)?! I LOVE sex. It's a recreational outlet for me. And, yet, here I am in a long distance relationship with a man who will not be home until this summer. And once he leaves he will be headed for war in the Middle East for the 2nd time while I will be headed to boot camp in Great Lakes, IL. Looks like my pussy is on lock down! Shit:(
You know, there's a reason for everything and most of the time I don't know that reason until after the fact. This situation with Alec is no different. Why the hell is this happening?? Damnit, I got a good ass man on my hands too! I mean, we are both in the military and we both have our "emotional" moments, so what if "the M word" becomes a factor?? Will I actually do it after all the bitchin' and moanin' I have been doing about how much I hate it?!
Wait, wait, wait. I am getting ahead of myself here. I haven't even met the guy yet lol! But, oddly enough, that's how I got my 1st boyfriend when I was 16. We talked first and then got together all before knowing what the other looked like.. Well, he knew what I looked like but I didn't know about him. I went on instincts. And that worked out just fine. So I know Alec will be the same way..
But that boy has gotten to me. I wanna do everything from make love to pay bills together. Damn, I'm slick gone, yall! But not too much. I'm still ME. I still DO me. And if he is making me out to be a fool then God help us all because I aint havin' it!
Aight. I can't believe I just did this shit but I did. We'll see how this goes. Peace!
~*Pie*
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"You Don't Have to Prove Nothing to Nobody"
..That's what a friend of mine told me when I mentioned I felt the need to "stick it" to my ex Ladarrius because I was getting that sick feeling in my stomach that he was going to try to pop back into my life again.
You see, Ladarrius has this thing of reappearing no matter what. We get into it and he disappears for a while. Or we get into it, he starts talking to a lil heffa in whatever town he's stationed in, and he disappears. And then when he gets bored or he and whatever lil tramps he was talking to didn't work out or he's done all the shopping and going to amusement parks he can do, he rears his ugly head again no matter what city or town he's in. Blowin' up my cell and shit..
And I had the feeling that it was around the time for him to start doing blowin' me up again. Or maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive because I just joined the Navy, passed all the tests they presented me with and got a bad ass job all by myself. Without him OR his support.
He told me I would never amount to anything, wouldn't be able to pass the Navy's physical fitness tests, and that I didn't even need to try because I just wasn't good enough and didn't have what it took to be a Sailor..
Who the hell says that to someone you supposedly "love"? Who at one point in time you thought was "The One"? That shit hurt my soul and kept a fire burning in my heart to succeed. How dare someone put ME and MY DREAMS down like that?! And someone that I used to love and at the time still had love for??
The thing with Ladarrius is that the boy has issues. I mean OBVIOUSLY. He's very competitive and really has low self esteem because he HAS to talk himself up and put me, as well as others, down. Aint that some shit?? The last thing we as a People need is another fucked up Black man, but here he is! And his name is Ladarrius.
So my friend told me that I should NEVER feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I really appreciated the truth he told me. But I still couldn't shake that feeling that he would show back up into my life. I felt anxious and nervous and didn't like that one bit.
So I dug around, found his number (because yall KNOW I deleted that shit), and texted him that I joined the Navy, was doing well, and was due to ship out in a few months..
I ain hear shit from him. And I know his number works and I know he got my damn message. Lil bastard didn't have shit to say about that. Lil bastard didn't want to see ME, of people, actually doing as well as him and on my way to being better than him..
But oh well. Because as soon as I sent that message and realized he wasn't going to reply, I felt worlds better. I said my peace, even though I know it shouldn't have mattered. But it did. And I felt better afterwards. And that's all that fuckin matters, how *I* feel. Fuck Ladarrius.
And now, Life goes on:) Angry rant over. Had to get that out.
~*Pie*
You see, Ladarrius has this thing of reappearing no matter what. We get into it and he disappears for a while. Or we get into it, he starts talking to a lil heffa in whatever town he's stationed in, and he disappears. And then when he gets bored or he and whatever lil tramps he was talking to didn't work out or he's done all the shopping and going to amusement parks he can do, he rears his ugly head again no matter what city or town he's in. Blowin' up my cell and shit..
And I had the feeling that it was around the time for him to start doing blowin' me up again. Or maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive because I just joined the Navy, passed all the tests they presented me with and got a bad ass job all by myself. Without him OR his support.
He told me I would never amount to anything, wouldn't be able to pass the Navy's physical fitness tests, and that I didn't even need to try because I just wasn't good enough and didn't have what it took to be a Sailor..
Who the hell says that to someone you supposedly "love"? Who at one point in time you thought was "The One"? That shit hurt my soul and kept a fire burning in my heart to succeed. How dare someone put ME and MY DREAMS down like that?! And someone that I used to love and at the time still had love for??
The thing with Ladarrius is that the boy has issues. I mean OBVIOUSLY. He's very competitive and really has low self esteem because he HAS to talk himself up and put me, as well as others, down. Aint that some shit?? The last thing we as a People need is another fucked up Black man, but here he is! And his name is Ladarrius.
So my friend told me that I should NEVER feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I really appreciated the truth he told me. But I still couldn't shake that feeling that he would show back up into my life. I felt anxious and nervous and didn't like that one bit.
So I dug around, found his number (because yall KNOW I deleted that shit), and texted him that I joined the Navy, was doing well, and was due to ship out in a few months..
I ain hear shit from him. And I know his number works and I know he got my damn message. Lil bastard didn't have shit to say about that. Lil bastard didn't want to see ME, of people, actually doing as well as him and on my way to being better than him..
But oh well. Because as soon as I sent that message and realized he wasn't going to reply, I felt worlds better. I said my peace, even though I know it shouldn't have mattered. But it did. And I felt better afterwards. And that's all that fuckin matters, how *I* feel. Fuck Ladarrius.
And now, Life goes on:) Angry rant over. Had to get that out.
~*Pie*
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
WENCH!!
I heard about a new book called "Wench" by Dolen Perkins-Valdez from a friend on Facebook. It's about the peculiar relationship between slave masters and their slave mistresses. The majority of the action takes place in Ohio, in free territory, at a resort where Southern barons vacationed with their choice female slaves. Slaves who were sometimes also the mothers of their illegitimate children.
Yall, I LOVE historical fiction! Especially fiction based in times of slavery that deal with Black women and how they interacted with white men. It's so interesting and I view it as an initial look into today's interracial dating scene..
Which I don't trust. I don't trust any white person's reasons for dating a Black person. Especially not down south. I cannot speak for other regions, but I know here it's for alternative motives and cruel intentions MOST of the time. They just want to "see what it's like." And some Black people do it for the same reasons, but that's for another blog completely. Oh, imma be talkin' about some interracial datin', yall!
But I just don't get down with it unless he is fine as HELL, "dark" (you know, white people's verson of being dark) and not from the Durrty Souff, feel me?
Anyway, I'm getting off subject..
I finally got "Wench", a book I have been salavating over and wanting for some time. I am always happy to find a book that gets me truly excited about reading it, and this is one of them. I'm sure I'll be back with a recap on this book and many more...
And for almost $30, this shit betta be PLATINUM!! Lol!
~*Pie*
Yall, I LOVE historical fiction! Especially fiction based in times of slavery that deal with Black women and how they interacted with white men. It's so interesting and I view it as an initial look into today's interracial dating scene..
Which I don't trust. I don't trust any white person's reasons for dating a Black person. Especially not down south. I cannot speak for other regions, but I know here it's for alternative motives and cruel intentions MOST of the time. They just want to "see what it's like." And some Black people do it for the same reasons, but that's for another blog completely. Oh, imma be talkin' about some interracial datin', yall!
But I just don't get down with it unless he is fine as HELL, "dark" (you know, white people's verson of being dark) and not from the Durrty Souff, feel me?
Anyway, I'm getting off subject..
I finally got "Wench", a book I have been salavating over and wanting for some time. I am always happy to find a book that gets me truly excited about reading it, and this is one of them. I'm sure I'll be back with a recap on this book and many more...
And for almost $30, this shit betta be PLATINUM!! Lol!
~*Pie*
Monday, February 1, 2010
Musings on Marriage
If I am SuperGirl, well on my way to becoming SuperWoman, then marriage and children are surely my Kryptonite.
Some women only want to fall in love, marry, have children and live happily ever after. And then there are some who are more career-minded, but somehow still want what their feminine, maternal instincts beckon.
I want none of that. My flesh crawls and curtles at the very notion of anything that is traditionally dictated by my gender. I simply want to be a successful Sailor. And, with God's Blessing upon my life, I have sowed the first seeds for that to occur. And that is what I wake up to every morning and cuddle with every night.
The notion that I could fall in love, get married, lose my ambitions and become a lowly wife, submitting to a man, "the man of the house", scares the living shit out of me. I don't want that! Not now. Not for another 8 years or so.
I think it is perfectly fine to not have a "family" until I am in my 30s. I just don't like the on going trend of getting married and poppin' out kids by the age of 21. Who does that anyway??
Wait, you know who does that? Military couples. And that has got to be the most unwise thing I have ever witnessed. Yes, I know service people get lonely and want someone to come back home to. That is all fine, dandy and human. But to actually go out and marry someone you barely know?? Or, hell, know very well! Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes you want to fuck. Plain and simple. The divorce rate is, what, 50%?? And people want to add to that, ignorantly thinking "oh, we'll be different!" God, bless your poor souls. I thought the same way once.
And then, as I was browsing blogs, I found one from a young military wife that stated "they say this is, after all, the hardest job to have." The "hardest job" being that of a civilian who is married to a military service person, or a military wife, plain and fuckin simple.
But I mean really? REALLY?? Really now? You have it so damn hard because you CHOSE to marry someone who will not be there over half of the time? All you do is sit there and be lonely and bitch and moan and then hit up Craigslist for someone to "hold you over" while your spouse, the one with the REAL hard job, goes out there and risks it all. All YOU did was fall in love and wait, not fight for this country.
Okay, sorry to ramble like that. Whew! Lol. But my point is that marriage, children, family, all of that, is just not appealing to me. Not in the least bit. Not at all. I run from it like vampires run from the sun. Just no. Hell no. I don't know what causes me to have such an irrational, unbridled hatred for such an institution as marriage, but that is how I feel. Maybe it's the fact I know what my expected "role" will be as a woman. Maybe it's because I don't want to settle and be chained down. And maybe it's because I am mature enough to know I don't want to be a wife and would therefore make a horrible mother and spouse.
But I see how people's lives have been drastically altered because they "fell in love." And if love does that, then I don't want it. And as of now, God has not presented me with love outside of Ladarrius, which was a necessary evil to get my life in the Navy direction. God knows that love would distract me and take me off my path. I'm meant for Greatness. And what would the point of meeting "The One" right now if I am not ready, anyway? I would fuck up a good thing.
So, no I don't want any of that. And I don't want my spouse to cheat on me while I'm away, which happens PLENTY of times with military couples. Nothing about marriage is attractive to me. It's almost hard to articulate how I feel but I guess I have done a good enough job for now:) Hopefully yall get my meaning??
~*Pie*
Some women only want to fall in love, marry, have children and live happily ever after. And then there are some who are more career-minded, but somehow still want what their feminine, maternal instincts beckon.
I want none of that. My flesh crawls and curtles at the very notion of anything that is traditionally dictated by my gender. I simply want to be a successful Sailor. And, with God's Blessing upon my life, I have sowed the first seeds for that to occur. And that is what I wake up to every morning and cuddle with every night.
The notion that I could fall in love, get married, lose my ambitions and become a lowly wife, submitting to a man, "the man of the house", scares the living shit out of me. I don't want that! Not now. Not for another 8 years or so.
I think it is perfectly fine to not have a "family" until I am in my 30s. I just don't like the on going trend of getting married and poppin' out kids by the age of 21. Who does that anyway??
Wait, you know who does that? Military couples. And that has got to be the most unwise thing I have ever witnessed. Yes, I know service people get lonely and want someone to come back home to. That is all fine, dandy and human. But to actually go out and marry someone you barely know?? Or, hell, know very well! Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes you want to fuck. Plain and simple. The divorce rate is, what, 50%?? And people want to add to that, ignorantly thinking "oh, we'll be different!" God, bless your poor souls. I thought the same way once.
And then, as I was browsing blogs, I found one from a young military wife that stated "they say this is, after all, the hardest job to have." The "hardest job" being that of a civilian who is married to a military service person, or a military wife, plain and fuckin simple.
But I mean really? REALLY?? Really now? You have it so damn hard because you CHOSE to marry someone who will not be there over half of the time? All you do is sit there and be lonely and bitch and moan and then hit up Craigslist for someone to "hold you over" while your spouse, the one with the REAL hard job, goes out there and risks it all. All YOU did was fall in love and wait, not fight for this country.
Okay, sorry to ramble like that. Whew! Lol. But my point is that marriage, children, family, all of that, is just not appealing to me. Not in the least bit. Not at all. I run from it like vampires run from the sun. Just no. Hell no. I don't know what causes me to have such an irrational, unbridled hatred for such an institution as marriage, but that is how I feel. Maybe it's the fact I know what my expected "role" will be as a woman. Maybe it's because I don't want to settle and be chained down. And maybe it's because I am mature enough to know I don't want to be a wife and would therefore make a horrible mother and spouse.
But I see how people's lives have been drastically altered because they "fell in love." And if love does that, then I don't want it. And as of now, God has not presented me with love outside of Ladarrius, which was a necessary evil to get my life in the Navy direction. God knows that love would distract me and take me off my path. I'm meant for Greatness. And what would the point of meeting "The One" right now if I am not ready, anyway? I would fuck up a good thing.
So, no I don't want any of that. And I don't want my spouse to cheat on me while I'm away, which happens PLENTY of times with military couples. Nothing about marriage is attractive to me. It's almost hard to articulate how I feel but I guess I have done a good enough job for now:) Hopefully yall get my meaning??
~*Pie*
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