What is This Thing That I Fear?

Why do I have this irrational fear of marriage? Is it because I am more conscious than most, see the world for what it is and know that marriage is not what I want? Is it because I think of marriage as the modern day Peculiar Institution? In my home, in the South, marrying young and having children while in one's early 20s are a way of life. The majority of my graduating class already have children and a few are married as well. But I see all of that as a Death Sentence.

Or do I secretly want a glimpse into this Institution? Am I really that curious to know about it? When I was younger, innocent, having experienced nothing and growing up without a father, all I wanted was Love. I wanted that epic love that I saw in the movies and read about in books. I wanted a "man" to love me like that. I learned the hard way Love just doesn't work like that. Neither does Life.

So after a few heart aches, each one more devastating than the last and ending with my fiasco with Ladarrius, I turned into the harden, cold woman I am today. But that is just a protective shell for the "Real" Me. The Softer Me. I know deep down I cannot always fully ignore her because of moments like this. But the question is when (because I know there is a "when") I will allow her to flourish?

Now here I am at 23 years old, almost an old maid by the South's standards, with a great Soldier by my side. All he wants is for us to be there for one another through thick and thin and have patience(it's a virtue I'm working on!). And with us both being in the military, times WILL get rough. But for as long as I have been talking to Alec, I never thought he would turn into what he is now. It seems like forever until he will be home and hearing from him makes me smile, laugh and tear up. I want to hop on a plane to see him and make sure I stop to pick up some lingerie on the way lol! I don't know if I am going through the motions of being in the military or just caught up in the romanticism of being with a soldier(I'm smart enough and have done this enough to not suffer from those things, I know), but I love it. And one day I want to be IN love with him. And I know he's already on track to falling for me..

So who knows? Even though Alec and I are hundreds of miles away, have conflicting zodiacs(lol) and will one day be half a world apart when he goes to Afghanistan and I to California, maybe this guy is The Guy. The One for me. But only time will tell. I have trust issues and Alec better not break my heart, but I want to give him a try. I'm getting a little older now and I owe it to myself, and then to him, to give US a try. I'm crazy about this guy:)

*Warm fuzzy feelings* lol

~*Pie*