I Cheated

Yep, I did it. I cheated. Several times. It was premeditated too. And Alec knows..

I knew that as soon as I open my mouth and start bragging about how much I love Alec and how wonderful he is, the proverbial shit would hit the fan. And boy did it. And guess whose fault it is? Mine, ladies and gentlemen, the fault is all mine..

Due to my past fucked up military relationships, I was certain Alec was screwing around on me. It only made sense to me. I mean, that's what military personnel do, right? They get involved way too soon and then they cheat. It's like a clockwork orange, it is. But I could find no dirt on Alec. None. And here at home I was getting lonely. Lonely and horny... I love sex. It can't be helped. And I half way didn't even believe Alec was telling the truth about how he felt about me anyway. And I felt that he just wanted some lil damsel in distress for him to "save", but I need no saving. I AM my own woman..

Everything happens for a reason. But I have no idea what my reason for Alec is. Why did I meet him? Why did we have to fall for each other like we did? Either way, it happened and I figured and rationalized that I had to give him, and "us" a go... Knowing damn well that I love my freedom. I love to go out and somewhat run the streets and flirt and see what is out there and have SEX. And when I am in a long distance relationship I cannot do any of that. I can only sit at home and bitch and moan about how shitty the military is and how I miss my man... Basically, I would be a co-dependent military housewife and that is NOT me. Hell no; never will be.

It was eating me up inside and I had to tell Alec.
He got angry. He cried(that's what he told me!). He got pissed. He took his anger out on me by treating me horribly. I don't blame him, but I wouldn't stand by and take that so we broke up..for about all of 2 days. It was so different having him around but not like how I was used to. It hurt. So we got back together..

But the sad thing is that Alec tried to tell me that the streets had nothing to offer me and that I should come on back home to him. That is was either him or the streets.. So I chose him.. Kinda.. Just don't ask;(

But I realized what the difference between Alec and I is. He is so traditional Southern and acts so old. I am young, vibrant, and full of life. He's ready to settle down and start a family. I'm not. I don't even want kids. I don't even like them. But in all honesty Alec has lived life and seen the world. I haven't. The only world I have seen is on a Girl Scouts trip and when I went to go visit my ex in the Navy. My life has yet to be lived.. I'm sorry. Why did this have to happen? I told him we were opposites. I tried to be coy because really I didn't have the heart to do so. I want to have ALL my cake and eat it too!..But don't he dare do that.. It's a double standard, I know..
But Alec just told me that opposites attract.. Little did he know what he was getting into..

I feel like such a man. Or a boy, rather. I don't even feel like I am at my prime yet. I feel all this energy collecting up in me, waiting to explode from me at a later date.. Like after boot camp is over;) I have never wilded out and my time is now and it's coming up.. But I know Alec won't be there for all that. But maybe Alec isn't the one? Maybe he's just a starter to show me what I need to have in my life once I am ready to slow it down.. Hm, only God knows.
But I know this behavior is not a product of my exes doing me wrong like Alec thinks. This is all me. I'm not a dog; I am an Aquarius. And we will see how this all pans out..

~*Sailor Taylor*