Eyes On The Prize

Not to give too much away about myself, I will say that my living conditions are nowhere near the best. Yes, I have my own. Yes, I am independent. But I am living in an area of town, in a certain setting that I absolutely detest. I do not let my circumstances define me but I hate where I am. I am meant for better and I cannot wait til I get that for myself.

You see, I do not believe in pissing where I sleep. And I KNOW I am only living in this place for a season. It is a season that is much longer than I would have liked, but it is a season nonetheless. With that being said, I keep to myself to the extreme. I don't speak to anyone in anyway, I don't make eye contact, and I don't make friends. That is how I assure myself that I remain drama free because shit starts happening and hitting the fan when "friends" are made. But, because I am a single, attractive woman who doesn't talk to anyone, I have developed a certain air of mystery about myself. And I believe it is because of this mystery that the various shitty men who live around me are attracted to me..

And I wish and pray to God they would just leave me the fuck alone. How dare they think they have a chance with me? ME, of all people? How dare they attempt to "holler" at someone who lives in the same building as themselves? Don't they know how messy that is? Apparently they don't care. And how dare they continue to speak to me and hit on me knowing damn well I am trying my best and damnedest to repel them? This is not the time or place to "try, try, try again"! I want to be left the fuck alone. Yes, I do live in the same spot as them but I am better than them on paper and in person.
There.
I said it. I am better than them.

I have set goals that must be achieved. I am all business and I do not have any time to give to someone who is not only physically and mentally hideous, but ultimately would drag me down. To hell with them all.

And the frustrating thing is that I heard these men talking about me today outside of my door. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying but I do know it was in reference to me not socializing with them. But why would I want to sit on the damn stoop all day and night talking about nothing and doing nothing but drinking malt liquor and smoking God knows what? Why can't they just leave me alone! Why can't they just accept the fact that some people will not socialize no matter what and they are to be left alone? Must they be so immature and messy? Men and their damned egos..

Ugh. Just typing this gives me heartburn and a headache. I hate coming home because they are always there. I hate having to pass by them. I am getting anxiety attacks because of them when I am normally so cool, calm, and collected..

But like Momma told my sister, "People talked about Jesus." And how correct she was. Who am I to not be talked about? *Sigh.* So I try to not let this shit get to me, even though it is right outside of my door, my place of solitude, supposed peace and my home. I try to view every hardship as a stepping stone and learning lesson that can be put towards my Navy career. This crap is no different. But I will say that this living situation of mine is a huge factor in me wanting to go to boot camp as early as possible. I'm just tired of living in ghetto shit..

God, stay with me.

~Sailor Taylor